What to do when dh causes an argument

[Hghlandlow]

Dh asked my opinion on a trivial
matter of house decorating/. I said I didn’t think it would look right. Then came the ‘You were always going to say it wasn’t right no matter what I said!’ and ‘I’ve done all of the work (on the decorating decision) and you haven’t done anything’. It’s just not true. I stood up for myself and then it just comes down to him denying that he said what I said and that I’m just after an argument. It’s just so stupidly trivial but for me so upsetting. He just goes to bed and when I said I don’t like us going to bed on an argument he says ‘I’m wanting to start the argument again’. Married for 20 years. Have 3 kids, one with a severe Learning disability who I care for full time as he isn’t able to go to school. Supported DH through a mental health crisis twice. I honestly just want a happy life and for us to help each other out. What do I do with these feelings. I want resolution, I hate the resentment that this kind of thing causes. He’s already having therapy can’t see theres any room for couple therapy. Feeling sad

Is he trying to starr arguments so that you will call it quits and tell him to leave? That's a tactic many men use when they don't have the balls to admit they want out and the fact they want to leave with everyone feeling sorry for them. They can then have a clear conscion and tell everyone it wasn't their fault.
It sounds like you have a challenging home life and it would take a brave man to walk out on a disabled child and be judged by outsiders.
Does he like hurting you? Does he enjoy upsetting you before bed and seeing you anxious or unable to sleep? How does he sleep after an argument? Fine I bet, but then he can wake up after a solid 8 hours and justify being in a mood with you.

What are you getting from this man other than stress and worry? Mine was like this. I gave up and went silent, becoming smaller and smaller trying to keep the peace. Wish I'd stood up for myself years ago and encouraged him on his way.
Look at how you feel and how the kids and home function when he's not around, compared to when he's there being a whiney man-child having tantrums and try to work out what YOU want. Life is short.

If he asks your opinion on anything again, tell him you'll think about it and get back to him.
Or ask him if this is a trick question, if you want to be mischievous.
Don't get drawn into the drama he's trying to create .

He sounds impossible.

Get therapy for yourself. You need support by the lorry-load.

@Hghlandlow
I'm thinking he'd like to it seems at present leave his situation but is aware of how shitty it'd look with him being judged for leaving a wife with 3 children and
He's not happy because of this so henceforth the therapy
I honestly think you've got to ignore what he says and get on with it whilst giving him no ammunition whatsoever (hard I appreciate)
But maybe if the therapy works then
Who knows?
I know this isn't a great decisive answer
But it's what I felt reading your post

The problem here is him being unreasonable in the first place. I’d be telling him “OK. I won’t start the argument up again, but hear me when I say that I no longer want you to ask my opinion on anything if me disagreeing with you is going to lead to a childish response. If you can’t handle my disagreement like an adult, don’t ask.”

Nah, don’t tell him even that, just grey rock him while you consider what you want in life. Don’t give him any ammunition

It's hard to tell from your post whether you've reached the end of your tether or you're willing to try to improve this. It'd be understandable if you'd had enough - after 20 years of this bullshit you must be utterly bored and exhausted by it. You don't have to fix it - you can walk away.

Things can only improve if your DH acknowledges the issue and is genuinely on board with making a change. One thing I'd point out, to protect your sanity, is that you don't have to argue back and you don't need to defend yourself. If he says something stupid like 'you were always going to say it wasn't right...' either walk away or respond with something like 'sorry you feel that way' and don't get drawn into a stupid argument. You know it's pointless so don't keep banging your head against the same wall.

The only way to resolve the issue is to talk to your DH about it in a calm moment and to shut the conversation down as soon as it strays into pointless arguing. From what you say about your DH it sounds like this would be a tough process and possibly not very effective - what do you think?