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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do when dh causes an argument

2 replies

Hghlandlow · 19/10/2025 22:42

Dh asked my opinion on a trivial
matter of house decorating/. I said I didn’t think it would look right. Then came the ‘You were always going to say it wasn’t right no matter what I said!’ and ‘I’ve done all of the work (on the decorating decision) and you haven’t done anything’. It’s just not true. I stood up for myself and then it just comes down to him denying that he said what I said and that I’m just after an argument. It’s just so stupidly trivial but for me so upsetting. He just goes to bed and when I said I don’t like us going to bed on an argument he says ‘I’m wanting to start the argument again’. Married for 20 years. Have 3 kids, one with a severe Learning disability who I care for full time as he isn’t able to go to school. Supported DH through a mental health crisis twice. I honestly just want a happy life and for us to help each other out. What do I do with these feelings. I want resolution, I hate the resentment that this kind of thing causes. He’s already having therapy can’t see theres any room for couple therapy. Feeling sad

OP posts:
DominoBlue · 20/10/2025 00:32

Is he trying to starr arguments so that you will call it quits and tell him to leave? That's a tactic many men use when they don't have the balls to admit they want out and the fact they want to leave with everyone feeling sorry for them. They can then have a clear conscion and tell everyone it wasn't their fault.
It sounds like you have a challenging home life and it would take a brave man to walk out on a disabled child and be judged by outsiders.
Does he like hurting you? Does he enjoy upsetting you before bed and seeing you anxious or unable to sleep? How does he sleep after an argument? Fine I bet, but then he can wake up after a solid 8 hours and justify being in a mood with you.

What are you getting from this man other than stress and worry? Mine was like this. I gave up and went silent, becoming smaller and smaller trying to keep the peace. Wish I'd stood up for myself years ago and encouraged him on his way.
Look at how you feel and how the kids and home function when he's not around, compared to when he's there being a whiney man-child having tantrums and try to work out what YOU want. Life is short.

mathanxiety · 20/10/2025 02:41

If he asks your opinion on anything again, tell him you'll think about it and get back to him.
Or ask him if this is a trick question, if you want to be mischievous.
Don't get drawn into the drama he's trying to create .

He sounds impossible.

Get therapy for yourself. You need support by the lorry-load.

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