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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sick of being alone

28 replies

Lonemumallthetime · 19/10/2025 22:19

Yet another weekend of clubs where im the only woman in a sea of dads.

Just feeling upset today. I have friends, im solvent, but i wish I had someone in my life to share this stuff with. Im the only lone single parent in our year (smallish school). Lost count of people saying im amazing for doing it alone. But im so lonely. Is this now my life? Its been this way for 8 years. I feel like a massive loser in life, always with a smile but inside im sad.

Ex is in contact but has a short fuse so I dont use him for much because kids feel less relaxed.

OP posts:
Lonemumallthetime · 19/10/2025 22:26

I should add, the dads are friendly but it just makes me think everyone has that shared dynamic with each supporting each other. Whereas im just doing everything alone.

OP posts:
shuggles · 19/10/2025 22:29

What is the reason for being alone? From what I've seen on dating apps (for example), there are huge numbers of single men and they are always keen to meet.

Nmeag · 19/10/2025 22:43

I was a single mum until my son was 8. He's now 18. It was so lonely at times but I did meet my husband and I'm very happy in this relationship. But when I was single I felt like everyone was happily settled and I was the odd one out. 10 years on some of those relationships have ended (badly) or I have realised people were absolutely not as happy as I perceived. Remember better no man than the wrong man. Your never too late to meet someone (i met my husband online) and don't feel bad for feeling lonely.
However don't wait on a partner to make your life complete. And I'm sure your doing a fantastic job. Comparison is the thief of joy. xx

Lonemumallthetime · 19/10/2025 22:51

Nmeag · 19/10/2025 22:43

I was a single mum until my son was 8. He's now 18. It was so lonely at times but I did meet my husband and I'm very happy in this relationship. But when I was single I felt like everyone was happily settled and I was the odd one out. 10 years on some of those relationships have ended (badly) or I have realised people were absolutely not as happy as I perceived. Remember better no man than the wrong man. Your never too late to meet someone (i met my husband online) and don't feel bad for feeling lonely.
However don't wait on a partner to make your life complete. And I'm sure your doing a fantastic job. Comparison is the thief of joy. xx

@Nmeag yep, I know its worse being in a bad relationship. And I have my wits about me with crappy men. But it just feels like there is no one decent. Seeing all the parents (dads) being so great with their kids (naturally) and im just mumdad. I want all that.

OP posts:
middleagedandinarage · 19/10/2025 22:55

Don't be fooled by the seemingly perfect life of everyone else. Just because they're not single doesn't mean they're not lonely or unhappy! Honestly you would be surprised how many of those parents are wishing they had the courage/finances etc to be doing it on their own

Elixir86 · 19/10/2025 22:56

It's really hard and I feel for you. And it's OK that you don't want to do this alone. Some people love singleton life, the freedom, having time to themselves if their ex has the kids regularly etc.
I'll point out that I like some aspects but loneliness is by far the most excruciating thing. Everything you do ends with you returning to an empty home where there is this void. It's tough trying to pivot away from it.
If you don't want to be alone then the only choice you really have is to keep putting yourself out there and hope. Try and make sure you have other focus points with hobbies and friends, do things that make you smile and do your best not to dwell. But recognise that you have to find a way to be ok alone, you're probably more likely to find someone if you are not desperately chasing it and hanging everything on it.

@shuggles have you ever been on dating apps? I ask because yes there are hundreds and hundreds of men there. But 90% are keen to meet for one reason only and it won't help OP being alone. I'm 3 years single (2 years of online dating) and still very much on my own with not even a hint of a relationship in that time when I've probably matched/opened conversation with over 300 men.

shuggles · 19/10/2025 23:14

@Elixir86 have you ever been on dating apps? I ask because yes there are hundreds and hundreds of men there. But 90% are keen to meet for one reason only and it won't help OP being alone.

That's not true. By "one reason only" I am going to guess that you mean sex. But sex and relationship are not mutually exclusive. The men that want to meet women for sex will also generally want a relationship too.

GreyCarpet · 19/10/2025 23:30

Shuggles, you're either a man or a very naive woman! 😅

Elixir86 · 19/10/2025 23:31

@shuggles I don't think most of the men on dating apps who are wanting sex are also wanting a relationship. They are wanting sex, that's pretty much it.
It's easy, takes minimal effort, there is always someone else who will be available and you can ditch and run after with no ramifications.

Its definitely worth the OP starting/continuing to use them if able as it's a numbers game and opens up potential, but you have to have nerves of steal, some massively thick skin and be ok that you will make mistakes and be taken advantage of.

shuggles · 19/10/2025 23:39

@Elixir86 It's easy, takes minimal effort,

That's incorrect. Finding sex takes as much work as finding a relationship.

there is always someone else who will be available and you can ditch and run after with no ramifications.

False. A man finding one woman who likes him takes a lot of hard work and studying. If he blows it with one woman, well, he's going to be single for a long time before he finds another woman who likes him.

Elixir86 · 19/10/2025 23:49

@shuggles I think it's best to agree to disagree on it as I'm comfortable on how online dating works and the types of people you are likely to find as I am currently actively engaged in it.

blablablagobshite · 19/10/2025 23:51

Gosh I too have been single years and used dating sites. I was married 17 years and am attractive outgoing & friendly and wanted a relationship but It’s dismal. Totally burns you out. Totally agree with the above poster. I have had around 300/ chats too and 100 dates so many time wasters, cheaters & liars. Men have sussed out they can pretend to want a relationship amd are using dating sites as free brothel basically.

shuggles · 19/10/2025 23:55

@blablablagobshite Men have sussed out they can pretend to want a relationship amd are using dating sites as free brothel basically.

I think you watch too much TV. Any man who thinks dating apps can be used as a free brothel is going to be very disappointed.

ForTipsyFinch · 20/10/2025 00:06

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Elixir86 · 20/10/2025 08:07

@shuggles id be keen to understand your experience of online dating and what has led you to the opinion you have? Genuinely interested, as it is not an opinion that I have heard much at all so wondering if the way you participate in it holds some secret that we can all use.

You imply that those who are active in online dating and sharing our lived experience are in fact "watching too much TV", I assure you, this is no TV opinion.
I am very selective in who I date, having narrowed down those hundreds of chats to men who appear to display what I would consider characteristics and conversation that imply they want a relationship. I don't even meet the ones that aren't able to show this.
Of those I have met, if we make it to a sexual experience, then almost every single one of them has ghosted me straight after. I'm attractive and intelligent and attempt to learn from each experience.

Elixir86 · 20/10/2025 08:36

Back to the Ops original issue a reminder to take each and every day one at a time. I'm sure that's what you already do, and life not panning out the same as those "fairytale" endings we all grew up on is a bitter pill to swallow. There's no knowing what the future holds, but you have to do your best to always keep hoping, trying new things, filling your life with as much joy as you can.
Whether things happen or don't, at some point you look back and will want to feel like you made the best of what you had. Massive hugs though, as I feel a lot of what you do and it's gut wrenching at times.

EBearhug · 20/10/2025 08:43

You are comparing how you feel on the inside with how everyone else presents on the outside. I bet you talk about the weather, how well the kids are doing and things like that, rather than how lonely you are, so they only see you being positive, too.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/10/2025 09:09

I’m not sure if this is a personality thing or a reframing thing, but if it’s the latter…
I love being single, the peace, the lack of negativity, the freedom; so when I see married couples I’m just thinking ‘I’m so glad that’s not me.’ I’m sure some are very happy, and good for them. But the grass isn’t always greener. You can bet a good number of those mums are at home looking after the harder child, or breathing a sigh of relief that they have a few hours peace from the husband they don’t like. So, reframe it. The key to happiness is being happy with what you do have, not what you don’t.

Lonemumallthetime · 21/10/2025 04:07

@arethereanyleftatall I know, im very fortunate in many other ways. I have friends in similar scenarios but with children with SEN and where dads are hardly there, even more hard work. And believe me, I often have the wives telling me subtly that they dislike their husbands.

Its just sometimes tough when you are always that lone person showing up. I fake it till I make it but sometimes I just want something for me.

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 21/10/2025 07:23

Try gigs rather than clubs

DEAROP · 21/10/2025 07:33

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GentlemanJay · 21/10/2025 07:42

middleagedandinarage · 19/10/2025 22:55

Don't be fooled by the seemingly perfect life of everyone else. Just because they're not single doesn't mean they're not lonely or unhappy! Honestly you would be surprised how many of those parents are wishing they had the courage/finances etc to be doing it on their own

This.

GreyCarpet · 21/10/2025 08:08

EBearhug · 20/10/2025 08:43

You are comparing how you feel on the inside with how everyone else presents on the outside. I bet you talk about the weather, how well the kids are doing and things like that, rather than how lonely you are, so they only see you being positive, too.

This is a very valid point, OP.

I separated from my husband when my children were 13 and 6. I knew a couple of women who were parents from my daughters dance class. We didn't know each other well but occasionally met up for coffee/lunch. After I'd been separated for about 6 months, I went for coffee with one who told me that, when I'd told them I'd become separated, they felt sorry for me and were worried for me. But, 6 months later, they were both a bit envious of how happy I was, how I was talking about going out, having hobbies, weekends away and seeing friends. She laughed and said she might try it.

Yes, it was a flippant comment but the point is that relationships and marriage aren't always all they're cracked up to be. Yes, it is lonely and God, can it be lonely! I remember well the aching black mass of loneliness that I carried with me everywhere for a while. But no one else saw that. They just saw strength, freedom and opportunity. Just as I only saw their companionship, togetherness and having got it sortedness. I didn't see their loneliness or sadness either.

I also agree with the poster who said some of it is about 'reframing' to yourself.

Some of those other parents will admire and envy you for your strength and independence. Some will wonder what you've got that they haven't to not need someone. Some will feel pathetic for putting up with their crap relationship when they could have what you have. Some will hold you in mind when planning to leave at some point.

What actually helped me the most was joining a choir. Sounds daft but there were a lot of people 5-15+ years older than me (I was 37). They either had no childen or older children and were no longer spending weekends doing 'family stuff' and many of them had divorced themselves or were long time single - male and female. It was really liberating not being the only single parent in a room full of parent couples and just being in group of independent people who were just doing things for themselves with a range of life experiences and relationship experiences that had led them to where they were. I was just one more person with one more variation on a theme life story. We did holidays, youth hostelling, gigs, theatre trips, nights in the pub, house parties... Great times.

I'm not recommending you join a choir (although it was good fun) but advocating for getting out there and meeting people in different circumstances so that you don't always have that feeling of 'always being the lone person showing up'.

Eventually, being single feels less of a burden you carry and more of a superpower tbh.

I'm in a relationship now. I eventually met someone through one of my hobbies. But I always know I'd be ok if I became single again.

GreyCarpet · 21/10/2025 08:10

UpDownAllAround1 · 21/10/2025 07:23

Try gigs rather than clubs

I think she meant children's activity clubs rather than night clubs!

But I'm with you on gigs. I've met loads of people at gigs.

UpDownAllAround1 · 21/10/2025 09:21

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