Stuck at rock bottom

[RareMentor]

Hello, so i may just need to vent, or i may need to make some very serious decisions. I have been married for 17 years, 2 children age 12 and 10. I work in a high position job which carries long hours, a lot of responsability and stress. I am on a good salary, things should be great right?
Well hubby decided a year and a half ago he was stessed at work, went off sick, exhaused a year of sick leave and then was finished at work 6 months ago. Does not claim anything so his income is £0.
Ok so stay at home dad yes? Errrm no...sleeps all day, does nothing except cook dinner which i have to moan at him for or the tea wont hit the table till 9 or 10 at night..no cleaning, no washing, no ironing, he heads to bed to watch tv while i get the kids bathed and to bed, i spend my weekend cleaning a health hazard of a dirty house, then back to long hours all day into the late evening at work all week...i have sold most my clothes and jewelrey to try and upkeep days out for the kids but i cant do it anymore, yes my wage is good, but our bills match, his wage was for holidays, days out and treats. Mine covers the bills, yet he will still go for a pint with his dad, while i cut my own hair to save a few pound, i am so angry and if i say anything he says i am "moaning and nagging again" makes me out to be the AHole, says he is depressed but i feel like i cant breath, i feel like a slave in my own house, my kids will not lift a finger and just drop rubbish on the floor, for me to walk behind them and pick up, if i try to tell them off he says "just pick it up to stop her moaning again'" and my kids laugh and say "yes she just moans moans moans" i feel totally beat down, disrespected and worthless. i will go shopping and then have to carry all the heavy bags in with him sat on his arse and if i ask him to help he just rolls his eyes and says leave it in the car ill do it later, but then the frozen stuff will melt so i do it and struggle, and he says "oh ffs what a martyr" i used to take the car the carwash to cry where no one could see and be out the house, but now i dont cry ..i dont actually feel anything anymore...its wierd, anyway with christmas coming i am trying to get a second weekend job just to make sure i can get my kids their presents but honestly dont know how i can find any extra time...i know i will be told on here to leave, but its not that easy..i do think he is ill and it has not always been like this, a year and a half ago he had a terrible time at work and he was diagnosed with depression and he just has done nothing to help himself, but expects me to pay for everything..he was saying to his mum"oh it would be great to go to mexico next year and maybe you could come, a nice family holiday" i was gobsmacked, i cant afford a night in blackpool never mind mexico, not with him not earning a penny! He will act like we are still comfortable with money to the outside world, but the reality is i am completely broke at month end, i dont get lunch at work to save money, i go out "to get lunch" but go for a walk or sit in my car and pretend as it is a bit embarrasing, yet he will use my bank card to go to mcdonalds with the kids, or take them somewhere nice while i am at work, or go tge football match with his dad, although i dont want my kids to not have fun, i dont get to go but i pay for it, and then have to try and find something to sell on vinted to cover the cost, and he is fine with this...no guilt ...nothing.
Just wondering if anyone has been through similar and come out the otherside...what can i do...i want my lovely husband back not this horrid, lazy man who treats me like the cleaning lady and money tree!
Thank you for any suggestion of help to stop this cycle and get my nice family back?

Has he had treatment for depression? If he hasn't seen a doctor he needs to pronto!
But he sounds horrible, really horrible. I never say leave but l would be asking him to leave , go to his parents etc . You cannot continue like this.
Depression makes you down but doesn't necessarily make you horrible and mean. I actually can't suggest one good thing to do to help him come out of this . So tell him you want a divorce.
Meantime leave a list for him every morning with jobs .

Hi Junebirthdaygirl, i have tried the list but nothing ever gets done and i end up having to just do it myself, had paint living room on list, left the paint, rollers etc out ...for 4 months...ended up taking a days annual leave and doing it myself while he stayed in bed till 3pm till he had to go pick up the kids from school (i do the morning drop off)
He is on antidepressents but i dont think he is tsking them, and had been diagnosed recently with underactive thyroid...which may explain being tired...but i feel like he is angry at losing his job, for being drpressed but somehow its my fault?

This is no way to live. You have to remove his access to money if he can’t spend sensibly. And your kids need to be doing jobs. Even if you start gradually with emptying the dishwasher etc, they need to be pulling their weight. And no way should you be getting a second job. He either goes to the GP and gets treatment, or he starts applying for jobs. Any job, at this point. If you can’t get through to him, can you share the reality with someone in his family?

I have been here and I wish I’d told people. My DH didn’t work for three years with “depression”. I was on my knees and close to a breakdown by the time he finally started working again. It has taken me years to recover. Don’t be me.

Thank you, i am going to call his doctor to see what support he can get.
No family, i was kicked out at 15 and have no family other than hubby and kids.

Ask yourself what it is exactly that you get out of this ' relationship ' .

This is absolutely nuts. He can’t work, fair enough (for now). But what is his excuse for sitting on his arse all day and not doing anything around the house? My dh and I grumble to each other about housework sometimes but we each play our part. I do the shopping, he brings it in and puts it away. I clean the house, he maintains the garden. It’s a team effort.

You are literally burning yourself out trying to do everything while he lazes about and insults you. What’s worse is that his terrible, entitled attitude now seems to be rubbing off on your kids.

Im very much of the opinion that a partner should enhance your life and make it easier/better in some way. Otherwise you’re better off alone.

Time to sit down and have a very frank discussion about how you’re feeling and what you need from him. He is your dh not another child and you simply cannot carry on like this without making yourself seriously unwell. If this doesn’t change anything then it shows his respect for you and the relationship is utterly non existent and it’s time to think about leaving. You are allowing your family to walk all over you and you need to take back control. Do not take on another job for presents for children who are lazy, rude and ungrateful…what message does that send? Honestly you are worth more than this.

Up until a year and a half ago...my best friend, partner and husband...now...nothing...just dont understand why

Something has to give and the way things are going it is likely to be you. Time to put your big girl pants on and make some serious changes, for all your sakes.

Your right...i need to have a serious make or break conversation

Yes, you do, sadly. You're at rock bottom but he isn't. You need to push him there to, essentially, give him a reason to improve. There's no guarantee he will - some depressed people just go "Poor me, my life just keeps getting worse" and nothing can shift that mentality.

Thyroid first: Yes, it makes you very weary, chilly, fat and depressed. It also kills you over time. Does he realise this is why levothyroxine's classed as an essential medication? Getting - and taking! - the right dose can bring the sun out for you, as well as saving you from organ failure.

If your GP has a social prescriber, it's worth bullying him to see them, as they should be able to take a 360° view of his predicament and talk him through it. It could also be worth seeing them on your own behalf, too.

I think it's worth explaining how much you miss the 'real him', as you've described here. Tell him you understand how hard everything feels to him, but that you can't afford this family life and it's painful for you (and the kids) to be dragging along the mood-killer he has become. Tell him you're prepared to work with him to get himself back, starting with taking and following medical advice, if you are willing to do this.

Set deadlines. Six weeks to get effective treatment under way, three months to see the man you loved coming back, and he's out on his own if it doesn't happen. Or if you've already had enough, tell him to leave by next weekend.

He is displaying contempt for you. I would wonder if his work stress involved an ow.

I think you should take a week off somewhere away from the house.

I would also say that having an interactive thyroid may make you tired, but it doesn't make you rude. Calling you a moaner and a martyr is just mean.

I’d be cutting off his access to money for starters. He wants to go for a pint with his dad? He needs to find a way to pay for it himself.

I’d also stop treats and days out., especially with their attitude. When the DC ask why the answer is “because daddy no longer has a job so we can’t afford it”.

What a horrible situation. Agree with another poster who said you’ve hit rock bottom and he needs to join you there. Time for those payments with your card at MacDonalds to start getting declined. The way that he speaks to you sounds really wrong, almost like contempt.

Oh my god. You need to get rid of him. He’s an absolute piss taker. You can’t go on like this.

Oh my lord. He is depressed but can still go out for a pint, take the kids to McDonald’s and go to football! Cut off the money to him. Don’t let him have your card. Sit down calmly and tell him he has to go back to work. Get support from his parents and tell them how things are at home. The kids can do without expensive gifts at Christmas. Just get them a small gift each and if they complain just tell them that’s all you can afford right now as daddy is not working. Dont be the villain when it’s not down to you. I think he is exactly the husband you had as being mean and nasty had to always have been in him. He has got away with all this for a year or so now so you could cope without him quite well.