Long distance relationship with a 3 week old baby. What would you do in my situation?

[Sunshineandrain1]

Ok so I had a relationship with a man in another country not far away. Let's say we were an hour long flight apart basically. And I was fine with the long distance relationship as I wasn't ready to give up my life yet for anyone. Then I got pregnant and now baby is 3 weeks old. As the man in question showed very little care during pregnancy, like not really asking how I was, and we had arguments where I told him because he showed so little care, I basically didn't even want him around as he just stressed me out. Then he blamed me for 'keeping his child from him', while I just tried to get through the pregnancy with the least amount of stress possible. I came to dislike him during this time. He seems slightly oblivious now as I have let him see our baby as I wanted to give him a chance at getting to know our baby and wanted to see how he acts to be able to make my final decision to keep him out of our life or let him have some.type of access as I want the best possible situation for our baby. He is however very lazy. He tried his best in some way, visited us for a week. He cooked and cleaned up after himself as I had requested as I told him I can't deal with the stress from all the mess. However come the nights I did all the work. Diapers, and I EBF so obviously that was on me. He chilled in the living room watching football till late at night and then next morning he complained he was tired. I tried to see if he'd pick up any baby related care, he was really grossed out by the baby poop and even though I gave him the opportunity, he didn't clean any diaper. He did cook every evening and did some other household tasks like take out the trash. He did help bathe our baby. I'd say he tried and due to his reaction to baby poop and his childish reaction like 'yuck gross', I rather do it myself anyway. Anyway he really icks me out now. I basically can't stand to be around him. He tries to make all sorts of dumb jokes, talks so much that it stresses me out, is totally unaware of noises he makes that wake up baby, like crackling of crisps packaging very loudly or putting music in the kitchen in my tiny apartment that you can hear everywhere or just talking loudly and talking all. The. Time. Or me trying to take a rest and him opening the door like 5 times to ask me something whispering and him being totally unaware that he is hugely disturbing me and the baby. Or just complaining about all his issues. And then making loud annoying noises, sneezing all the time, liking to sleep in way too much, just having a lazy attitude and smacking his mouth loudly on purpose and it made me wonder if he just on purpose tried to be absolutely horrible and trying to get me to dislike him. Anyways, I guess it's clear. I really can't stand him. Also the way he talks to our baby (I'm your dad and your mine, they call me super dad... or you are making all those faces, not me! (When baby made some cute funny baby faces) and more of this sort of stuff).
Now he asked me to live with him in another country together..mind you, he only visited a week and we are separate all the time, he will visit another week very soon and I'm contemplating letting it be the last week as I just can't deal with his immaturity. However I can't believe he is so oblivious and thinks I might consider living with him in another country if we are not even living together right now.

I just don't know what is best to do for our baby. I guess the man isn't totally bad, he is just immature and icks me out and I worry he might hurt our baby with his dumb comments in the future as he just says dumb inconsiderate stuff all the time. However I don't know if it's right to keep him from.our baby.
He is not on the birth certificate by the way. He hasn't asked. He did make a photo of the birth certificate but didn't ask for anything yet. He's probably glad I can't claim child support. Which honestly I do not care about.

What would you do in my situation? Keep him out? Let him access in the future when baby is older? Cut him off, block, change phone number? I've thought about this as I find him so annoying, I guess there are a few good things about him however we have never been in a loving very involved relationship that included living together I guess. I wanted ir at first. But after his lack of efforts in the relationship I lost my interest in living together. Also due to him complaining after just a week, we never saw more as a week or max. 2 weeks at a time, and he usually complained after that, that he needed his space/man cave/a quiet house. And I just thought I never understood his intentions with the relationship but he clearly did not want to live together. Also he always loved to sleep.in. another annoying habit. And still complaining about tiredness/depression/some illness. Poor him, always a victim, always a problem of some sort. Meanwhile he let his mom or sister help him.. and me too. And he complained about his mom too. Meanwhile she cooked regularly for him, and then he compared my.cooking to hers and tried to insinuate I should learn to cook better. Honestly I'm not a good cook, his mom is a really good cook to be honest, and I have no aspirations to become a very good cook. He also mentioned women to have to be submissive to the man and when I got angry in the past he told me I must be a sociopath because I yelled at him and then many times when I'd become angry trying to tell him the stuff he was telling me seemed manipulative, he would say something is wrong with me for pointing out things I didn't like or didn't agree with. Anyway I should have just not argued and walked away already at that point. I just couldn't believe some.of the things he said, like the woman must be submissive and obey like as if he was God.. I mean come on you must be joking you can't be serious.. who can take that seriously??? So I argued about his dumb comments. Somehow he still seems to think in the back of his mind that his mindset is fine and maybe because I still interact with him he seems to think I am OK with his view in a way? Men are weird sometimes...

Sorry for the long rant.. I want to do what is best for our baby but would rather have him out of my life or in such a distance that he would have to learn a lesson of being a better person, if he would even get the message. I just don't want our baby to be mad at me for keeping the Father away.... not sure what to do. I like my life without him in it. It's way more peaceful. I like his family in a way, and he has his nice moments, however its just that.. a moment, he cooks, gives some gifts like chocolates and acts kind but never for long and then he is back to being lazy, caring about buying himself snacks, caring about his own sleep, caring about his own entertainment and not considering others or just plain disinterested in doing stuff together. He never seemed to enjoy doing something with me. He always wanted to watch a movie with me and I do not care about watching movies. Somehow its the only thing he ever wanted to do with me. He dislikes talking, never really hugged or held hands. Things all quite important to me in a relationship.. so I lost interest totally. He says I'm his type and says he likes me. I do not believe him however. I just do not understand why he pretends or what his intentions are.

So.. what would you do in my place if you got the ick like this from a man but had a child with him, what would be best for the child?

No matter what you do . Dont move to his country. You dont sound like you will make a good couple at all.
Maybe just have it that he visits every other weekend . But as a co parent and not as a partner to you in any way .
And as your child gets older adjust visitation to suit you both .

The best thing for your baby is a peaceful home and consistency, not a useless father who drifts in and out of their life, who is immature and who doesn't contribute financially. I wouldn't have him to stay again and I would get on with your life without him in it. It doesn't sound like he'll make much effort to be involved in baby's life anyway.

wow. Don't move. When baby gets older he can have access someone other than in your home, but then again would he try to take the child back to his country then you're in a mess? What does he need to get a passport for baby for his country?

Has he not offered any child support? Have you asked?

I would not be moving anywhere. Let's start with that. You have your home, your network etc where you are you'd be mad to move country then potentially get stuck if he does get the paperwork right to claim the kid.

I'd tell.him you're not moving, I think he will take that badly and try to force it given his submissive woman stance... but then I suspect that will be the end of it. Hes been careful not to be on the legal hook to enable him to wander off if you dont do as you are told.

Whether you keep him and his family in your kids life... well let him lead. If he keeps coming back to visit then let him - as a co-parent not a relationship. If he doesn't, don't chase it.

How have grandparents/family reacted to the baby?

I would try and see him as a co-parent rather than as someone you are in any kind of relationship with.

Let him see the baby if he wants. He sounds like he's likely to lose interest but when your dc is older, they may want to have a relationship with their father and it will probably help your own relationship with your dc if you haven't prevented that.

Tell him that you are happy for him to come to your country to see his dc but that he will need to book a hotel or airbnb to stay in. Don't let him stay at your place.

It's very early days with your baby. Prioritise taking care of yourself and your baby and working out a routine that suits you both.

Definitely don't move, don't bother trying to be with him for baby either, you'll just drive yourself insane with how much you can't stand him. I'd just be open to him coming too see baby and provide that limited access as long as he is interested, but otherwise I wouldn't pay him much attention other than to facilitate access.

It is cruel to both to deny access. However, you don’t have to have him stay in your house

I’d let him visit again but communicate more clearly. Right now that would look like calling him and saying ‘last time you came you said poo is icky and didn’t want to change nappies and you would do things like wake me every 5 minutes for a random question, knowing I’m up feeding at nights. I won’t be leaving my support system and moving to another country to live with you, you’re not exactly very supportive.’

Do not move. If you establish a precedent of living in his country, he can use the courts to keep your child there until the child is 18. That doesn’t even guarantee you get to stay too as you immigration status is independent. While that scenario isn’t likely, don’t do anything that would make it possible.

dont make yourself vulnerable. You job is to maintain a stable home for your child. Don’t give up you job or you community ties.

it he wants to be a father he can move to live near you. You don’t have to cohabitate or be in a relationship. He isn’t the one who grew a human with his body and is no missing work because she needs to recover and continue to grow that human. He isn’t the one making the sacrifice of pregnancy. If there is risk to be taken, he should be the one who takes the risk. You have done enough.

Wow that's quite a situation. Neither of you sound very mature to be fair, I don't think it's fair to your child to keep them from their Dad because you find him annoying, but no way would I move countries for him either, just let him visit his child.

I have no idea what this man could actually offer you in the way of any positive support . Why you chose to have a child with this man is beyond my comprehension.

To be honest, you were massively irresponsible by being in a relationship with, and then having a child with, a man such as the one you describe in your post. You have done your child a huge disservice by setting them up like this from the get-go.

Now the child is here, you owe it to them to do everything possible to give them a childhood free from any further adverse events.

Allow this man access on your own territory - at least in your country - but don't allow him to mess you around with contact. Your child deserves to know who their father is, but they don't deserve to be abused or neglected by him in any way. If it looks as though he is becoming more of a negative for the child than a positive, pull back and make him take you to court. Keep records of all dates, behaviour, lack of financial support etc.

And it goes without saying, hide the child's passport, put a flag with the authorities that no one is to apply for another one on your child's behalf, and do not take the child to this man's country while they are young, no matter how many promises he makes.

And possibly get some counselling for yourself to figure out why you thought it was okay to be involved with someone like this for even a week. You owe it to your child to model high standards to them in the future.

There's no reason why you can't do all these things and give your child a happy and stable upbringing, filled with love and support. Just don't be diverted from this by false feelings of guilt and responsibility towards this poor excuse for a father.

Is he living in a country where ,if your child visits him ,he refuses send child home ,and UK won't do anything ..that would heavily influence my decision.
In fact I would never of had a child with a man from another country for this very reason,
Can you say he can't stay in your flat.that will put him off coming
I'd let it fizzle out id stop replying to messages and hope he looses interest

Definitely don't move
Trapped parents is much more of an issue than you'd think. And depending on the country I would check the rules before you visit.

I think you allow him to visit but not stay in your house. Start as you mean to go on. It would be really awkward if you have a partner and ex / baby's dad is coming to visit..

What would I do? I’d be trying to do the best for the child I’d made with someone I barely knew. (And I was pregnant 4 weeks into knowing Dh).

Dont block him because you don’t fancy him anymore. He is your child’s father. You don’t have to live with him or move countries for him or have sex with him but you are connected forever. He sounds as if he’s doing his best, even if that’s not great.