In law dilemma

[JaneSR]

Hello - we have not spoken to my husbands brother for 10 years (big family fall out when their dad died). Family caused us lots of issues over the years and were manipulative with wider family. Tried several times in early years to sort it out but always ended badly (including both police and a court case and my husband losing job because of their actions!). Not heard from them for a few years and have enjoyed the peace and no drama. Our son is 15 - their son is just about to be 16. They don’t know each other well but seem to be connected on social media. Their son is having big 16 birthday party in November. Our son has just announced he has been invited by the other boy and is going. Our son knows bits of the history but always protected him from it and them and they have tried to get to us via our son over the years. I really feel like I don’t want him to go due to all the anguish over the years and feel they are again being manipulative. They have not contacted my husband or I. Am I being unreasonable?

If you've protected your son from it then he is making a decision with only part of the information available to him. I don't think 'protecting' people works very often as it usually ends up making things more messy further on down the line.

What is the risk if he goes?

Our son knows enough to know they have not been very nice and have hurt my husband quite a lot over the years. I just don’t want my son around them due to the history, I don’t want them knowing anything about our life (they have caused trouble in the past with work and things) and I just feel they are manipulative. Equally they are cousins so should I stop that relationship based on the past. 😫

I think I also feel our son should have more loyalty to us but perhaps he is just not thinking wider issues.

Whoa now. If he went he wouldn't be being disloyal - you're not the Corleone family - he's 15 and wants to get to know his cousin.

YABU. Let the cousins continue to form a relationship. I highly doubt the older generation are manipulating this.

I understand how you feel but this is how family feuds perpetuate, what has happened really has nothing to do with your son or BILs son, if they’re both happy to have a relationship I think that’s up to them.
Possibly my thinking is a bit simplistic but I think it’s a bit sad that it continues on to the next generation.
Maybe have a chat with your son about what you’d be comfortable with him sharing about your lives but I think he should go if he wants to.

The beefs between the adults not the kids. Of course he should go. Its great theyve found each other

I'd echo all of this. DH's mum had a collosal falling out with her sister twenty years ago and cut all contact. DH and his siblings have been forbidden to have a relationship with his cousins, until a similar situation to yours OP. For what it's worth he went to the party and it was nice for him to get to know his cousin. Doesn't mean they're best friends or that he's disloyal to his mum. I really understand your desire to protect him and also the hurt you likely feel at the idea of him going, but it would be sad if two cousins are denied any relationship because of feuds that weren't between them and were literally none of their doing.

Thank you all - just needed someone to put rationale thought in my head as I can’t see past all the years of manipulation and heartache. Just maternal feelings I suspect that I don’t want my boy around people who have made our lives toxic xx