Partner’s grumpiness

[Wiennetta]

How do others cope with a grumpy husband?

Mine works shifts in a high pressure job (airline captain). He enjoys the job overall but he can have long, intense days and the shift work takes its toll.

Tiredness builds up over summer which is the busiest period for him and by now he is really exhausted and burnt out. It’ll be much quieter over winter.

But the way he behaves when he’s tired is grumpy, snappy, being very negative and generally I feel stressed being around him a lot of the time.

On the one hand I get it, he’s exhausted and nobody behaves their best when they’re tired. On the other hand it’s having quite a negative impact on me! I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he just blames work and his narrative is that it’s just unavoidable. My opinion is that how he reacts is something he can control.

What do others think? What do you do if you have a partner with a similar job or similar reaction to stress?

I guess your next step is you tell him that if he continues to behave like this, you will fall out of love with him and you will leave, because you deserve better than this.

he needs to find a better way to handle his work stress.

We're all (well most of us) a bit snappy occasionally when stressed and tired. And unfortunately our other halves take the load. But you shouldn't spend your life walking on egg shells. To be honest it sounds as though he's in the wrong job if he really can't handle the pressure. You need to sit him down and tell him you can't go on being his fall guy or you'll need to reassess the future.

I'm slightly concerned to hear about exhausted airline pilots.

Is he aware of his grumpiness and does he apologise for it to you?

if it’s caused by stress have you both explored ways / techniques that can be used to alleviate it.
Would him talking to someone about it, help him?

Thanks this is definitely how I’m feeling. I don’t enjoy spending time with him when he’s like this!

I’ve said to him before that there are other jobs out there - but he does actually love his job. I think his job gets the best of him - he’s super ‘on it’ at work and then comes home and crashes out.

He’s aware of it but he rarely apologises as he says he ‘can’t help it’. I think he can - he can improve how he responds to stress. I’ve asked him before to recognise when he’s feeling like this and manage it better - eg just explain he’s exhausted and take himself off for an hour or whatever he needs.

I have one of these at-home. I sometimes feel work gets the best of him. But, in reality he is an introvert and masks this when at work. Then he is exhausted from the mental effort. We try to keep it a bit of a joke - because that's how we get through it. As he says the choice is he doesn't work and then can't provide and that will be different stress.

He can help it. He helps it at work. He just chooses not to with you. That’s the long and short of it.

I think airline captains expect to be treated like gods at work. Then they bring that home.

I’m another person rather alarmed to hear of an airline pilot that’s so exhausted and burnt out that he can’t keep his temper in check.

Bet he doesn't talk to his work colleagues/friends/extended family the way he talks to you.