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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hope for those who feel stuck in a relationship 🙏

12 replies

SWF · 19/10/2025 11:07

This is going to be long so grab a cuppa….

This year my divorce came through. We had been together a very long time 20+ years.

I had been with him since i was 16 and he was 18. We had in effect grown up together. Partying/clubbing every weekend, renting, buying a house, having kids, getting married. It was never smooth sailing and where i stepped back with the partying and alcohol to become a good parent, he never did. But whenever I tried to talk to him/friends about it, they'd say things like - well thats just how he is, thats life, youve got to live, dont become boring etc etc. so i carried on in the relationship but there was a gut feeling there. I started posting on Mumsnet under various names (ive changed names again to post this), it was eye opening. It helped me to understand i was in an abusive relationship and the way we were living was not normal or healthy for our kids. Him sat drinking daily, all weekend (approx 70-80 units a week), never even taking his boys out for a kick about down the park - it was all me, argumentative, slamming doors, unkind, no patience. I constantly felt like i was walking on egg shells and had to be around to keep the peace. Then we went to move onto our next house. We sold ours and at the time couldnt find anything we liked (luckily). So went into a short term rental. At this point i was looking round beautiful houses of £400k but a nagging gut feeling of - its gorgeous but he will just ruin it. So i decided to address the elephant in the room once and for all. Dont get me wrong, id tried countless times over the years but felt being married, owning the house together and the kids, he always said he would not allow us to split up. Made me feel like he would be super awkward and make a divorce difficult. I felt paralysed and a good few years of living in a limbo state. Plus this underlying feeling of what others would think if we split up etc. no one ever really knew what he was like as we were good at pretending in public. Times id have to ask him not to drink too much at family gatherings or he would go out on a bender all night and id be awake worrying about him as he wouldnt answer the phone/out of battery/lost etc. anyway, after it escalated being in the rental, his drinking, weekends away with mates drinking, unwilling to parent properly (aggressive) and not helping me to do the mental load (organising birthdays/christmas etc) or even housework, i just said thats enough now. He had plenty of time to change and opportunity. It was clear he didnt want to. I applied for a divorce online and 14 months later we had it finalised. He didn’t fight it. I went 50:50. We dont have much in savings, have our own pensions, both earn similar. Kids are with me 100% because of his unwillingness to be a parent/drinking/selfishness. He begrudges paying me CMS and thinks as i decided to split up, i should pay 🤣 Not long after he left, my landlord gave me the awful news he has decided to sell up by end of year. Luckily by then id started looking into seeing if i could buy a house. It would be a house right at the bottom of the market, one that needed endless renovations on a very tight budget and me with no skills, but i was determined. Times i was in tears over my situation- too much in savings for a council house/other rentals in my price range on one wage flying out the door already taken or had too many viewings to see/a house literally at derelict stage to buy and do up with no money. I just felt hopeless. I dont have family to count on with a spare room. I looked slightly further afield and found a shared ownership property. I just couldn’t believe my luck it was perfect and doesn’t need anything doing to it. Shared ownership, yes whilst not ideal, it will be a life saver for me and kids and i can buy it 100% if i wanted to. Hoping to be in there in the new year.

I just wanted to say to anyone male/female who feels stuck in a situation and wants out, the only person holding you back is you. Rip that plaster off. Its never a good time but go for it. My only regret is staying too long and giving him chance after chance

Funny thing is, since hes left, ive realised i was a single married parent for years. I made all the decisions and did the majority whilst he sat on his arse watching tv and drinking. Nothings changed for me except im so happy the burden has lifted and i have a lovely peaceful happy home now ✌️ ♥️ 🏡 🧑‍🧒‍🧒

OP posts:
INeedAnotherAlibi · 19/10/2025 11:16

My story was very similar! I’m 2 years post-divorce now. First year was really tough, especially financially. But I’ve managed to get myself promoted and pick up more hours. Met a lovely fella 11 months after I split from XH. DD currently with me full time because of how her Dad’s behaved. Less luxuries than before but more joy and laughter, which is priceless.

Original poster
SWF · 19/10/2025 11:23

INeedAnotherAlibi · 19/10/2025 11:16

My story was very similar! I’m 2 years post-divorce now. First year was really tough, especially financially. But I’ve managed to get myself promoted and pick up more hours. Met a lovely fella 11 months after I split from XH. DD currently with me full time because of how her Dad’s behaved. Less luxuries than before but more joy and laughter, which is priceless.

Thats brilliant, well done for getting out and breaking free! X

OP posts:
Rizzz · 19/10/2025 11:31

I'm pleased you're happy and sorted but I take issue with this...

I just wanted to say to anyone male/female who feels stuck in a situation and wants out, the only person holding you back is you.

You have your own pension, over £16k in savings and can afford shared ownership.

So it's a bit crass really to be telling people who don't have that privilege, that the only thing keeping them in an awful marriage is THEM.

Have a bit of compassion.

Original poster
SWF · 19/10/2025 11:36

Rizzz · 19/10/2025 11:31

I'm pleased you're happy and sorted but I take issue with this...

I just wanted to say to anyone male/female who feels stuck in a situation and wants out, the only person holding you back is you.

You have your own pension, over £16k in savings and can afford shared ownership.

So it's a bit crass really to be telling people who don't have that privilege, that the only thing keeping them in an awful marriage is THEM.

Have a bit of compassion.

Hey i didn't mean it like that. I do have compassion and have helped give advice to lots of others in this situation over the years. All it takes is a decision to change your whole life. I wouldn’t see myself as well off by any means. Im rebuilding from the bottom here. Ive never had any help in my whole life. No ones been there to buy my first car/leave me any inheritance. Ive had to rely on and rescue myself. If someone reading this doesn’t work currently, has no pension, is even on benefits, theres absolutely a way out.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 19/10/2025 11:37

I absolutely loved reading this! Well done OP and I'm so happy for you! Thank you for sharing this and giving hope to others in a similar situation 💐

Rizzz · 19/10/2025 11:44

SWF · 19/10/2025 11:36

Hey i didn't mean it like that. I do have compassion and have helped give advice to lots of others in this situation over the years. All it takes is a decision to change your whole life. I wouldn’t see myself as well off by any means. Im rebuilding from the bottom here. Ive never had any help in my whole life. No ones been there to buy my first car/leave me any inheritance. Ive had to rely on and rescue myself. If someone reading this doesn’t work currently, has no pension, is even on benefits, theres absolutely a way out.

Show quote history

I didn't say you were well off or that you inherited money etc.

But you were privileged enough to have over £16k in savings and your own pension etc, which makes it much easier to tell people in poverty that they are the only reason they're still in a shitty relationship.

I left a shitty marriage over 30 years ago with a 5 year old child and a 9 month old baby.

I didn't have a penny to my name but luckily my parents were happy for me and the kids to move in with them.

I recognised that privilege and wouldn't have dreamed of telling others they were the reason they were stuck.

I'm pleased for you but I don't agree with how you might make some women feel when they're reading this.

Original poster
SWF · 19/10/2025 11:57

Rizzz · 19/10/2025 11:44

I didn't say you were well off or that you inherited money etc.

But you were privileged enough to have over £16k in savings and your own pension etc, which makes it much easier to tell people in poverty that they are the only reason they're still in a shitty relationship.

I left a shitty marriage over 30 years ago with a 5 year old child and a 9 month old baby.

I didn't have a penny to my name but luckily my parents were happy for me and the kids to move in with them.

I recognised that privilege and wouldn't have dreamed of telling others they were the reason they were stuck.

I'm pleased for you but I don't agree with how you might make some women feel when they're reading this.

Show quote history

All the best. Im pleased you also managed to get out and move on 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
SWF · 19/10/2025 12:21

Endofyear · 19/10/2025 11:37

I absolutely loved reading this! Well done OP and I'm so happy for you! Thank you for sharing this and giving hope to others in a similar situation 💐

Thank you. Just hoping some others in this situation read it and find it helpful in leaving their own situations. There is a way out of any situation, you have to help yourself as no one is coming to rescue you x

OP posts:
Original poster
SWF · 19/10/2025 12:25

Just to add, I can only talk from my experience of growing up in absolute poverty to being where i am today, which is honestly only a slight better situation to back then. I still cant afford niceties and yes i did have £16k in saving which are now depleted. I posted this to raise others up not make them feel bad. Theres a way out of any situation. I was at my own rock bottom a few months ago. Ive pulled myself out of the shit with no help. Im sorry for feeling proud of myself. At that point of looking into buying a house, i didnt think i could afford it in all honesty. Im not on a brilliant wage, at the bottom again and a single parent. Im just saying shared ownership is an option, my mortgage is tiny but theres hope here. I feel really shit about this now and i didnt post to feel like this

OP posts:
Redrosesposies · 19/10/2025 12:36

SWF · 19/10/2025 12:25

Just to add, I can only talk from my experience of growing up in absolute poverty to being where i am today, which is honestly only a slight better situation to back then. I still cant afford niceties and yes i did have £16k in saving which are now depleted. I posted this to raise others up not make them feel bad. Theres a way out of any situation. I was at my own rock bottom a few months ago. Ive pulled myself out of the shit with no help. Im sorry for feeling proud of myself. At that point of looking into buying a house, i didnt think i could afford it in all honesty. Im not on a brilliant wage, at the bottom again and a single parent. Im just saying shared ownership is an option, my mortgage is tiny but theres hope here. I feel really shit about this now and i didnt post to feel like this

Don't feel bad about it @SWF . Some people can just suck the air out of life and will always blame someone or something else for their circumstances. I don't know why they do it, perhaps it makes them feel better.
Well done for getting to where you are. You are right, anyone can do it but for some it will be harder than others.

Rizzz · 19/10/2025 12:51

Redrosesposies · 19/10/2025 12:36

Don't feel bad about it @SWF . Some people can just suck the air out of life and will always blame someone or something else for their circumstances. I don't know why they do it, perhaps it makes them feel better.
Well done for getting to where you are. You are right, anyone can do it but for some it will be harder than others.

Show quote history

No-one has blamed anyone else for their circumstances on this thread.

But it should be acknowledged that sometimes there are other things that prevent women from leaving a bad relationship, and poverty is often top of the list.

Emergency accommodation or lack of it is often up there too, especially if there has been no DV and the police/council consider the woman to be in no immediate danger.

They can't just pack a bag, grab their kids and take to the streets.

So if they have no money and no accommodation, why are they the only thing keeping them in a bad relationship?

Merseymum1980 · 19/10/2025 13:02

Thank you for sharing, this is really inspiring

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