New-ish relationships and showing emotion. Do men run a mile?

[MeganM3]

Does it put men off when women show too much emotion (of any kind) before being in a long term relationship?

I’ve heard so many of my friends who online date say that after a few months of dating they get dumped or ghosted, it would seem because they let some of their emotions show or showed they were very interested in a relationship. Men seem to run off at that point. As soon as they show they care. Why?

I wouldn’t be curating my displays of emotion according to whether I imagine men might be afraid of them or not.

It's not possible to generalise, either about men, or about relationships. A woman I'm attracted to showing me her emotions would reach parts of my brain few other things reach - but that's just me. Wishing you luck.

I think they might disappear if they don’t feel the same way; it can be overwhelming. I’ve felt like that as a woman when a man suddenly declared his deep feelings for me (more than one man). I remember hiding my mobile phone for a week! 😂

It’s not just men who get scared off. I think it happens when one feels much more intensely than the other before they get a chance to catch up. This happened to me and my now DH - he got scared by my feelings for him; he disappeared but came back nearly three years later when he realised he did actually like me!

As a woman, I would get creeped out if a man started showing intense emotions before we were even in a proper relationship. If you’re meeting a stranger online, it will take many months to really get to know them, and how can you have that strong feelings about someone that you don’t really know?

If someone is too interested early on, then it can come across as desperation, rather than genuine connection. I don’t believe in love at first sight I’m afraid!

I wouldn't generalize so much. some would not put be off, some would. The ones that run a mile are not worth pursuing.

The only men who would be scared of this are avoidant types who should be totally avoided. It’s 2025 I think that as women we need to move on from worrying what the men think or don’t think.

However, also depends on what emotions actually mean here - does it simply mean open discussing of how we feel, or does it mean intense paragraphs to someone who has already shown they don’t care?

I’ve scared men off like this, I’ve come to the realisation though that they only felt overwhelmed because they didn’t feel the same. I think if you’re already really attracted to someone then displays of emotion and showing keenness would be welcomed.

I think it’s sensible to not show too much emotion quickly, perhaps it wouldn’t scare off genuine men in a reasonable timeframe, if you’re just getting to know someone it’s just lust until a deeper connection grows, I can see why men wouldn’t want a woman too full on, it can show emotional immaturity. Plenty of men will also take advantage and lovebomb to create a false emotional connection, that’s why they suddenly ghost before it gets too serious, or back right off and come out with ridiculous excuses to why it can’t progress, because they had no intention of a serious long term relationship .

Impossible to generalise. People are different.

I'm always surprised and skeptical when people say they've fallen in love/developed feelings within a couple of months - to me, I can't imagine how you'd think you know someone well enough to love them so soon, so it would (& has) put me off when people are talking deep feelings (what seems to me) way too early.
That's not avoidant, that's just people being in different places on the spectrum of human possibilities.

Any emotion? Well, I don't want them to be rantingly angry unless for an exceptional and good reason, and early on I don't want them to be using me as an emotional prop/support etc. Early on it should be fun, getting to know someone, gradually understanding who each other are, whether friendship or relationship.
I'm also suspicious of people trying to create artificially fast connections - I like a slow build.
So it depends.

If one partner is very keen and the other less so, it is likely to make the less keen one leave, but that's probably overall a good thing.

I think it’s sensible to approach dating and potential new relationships primarily from the POV of ‘Is he what I want?’ and ‘Is this guy good enough for me?’

You started off talking about showing 'too much emotion' of any kind, and wound up talking about 'letting some emotions' show.

Which is it?

Because the two things are really quite different.

I'm a woman and I don't like overly emotional people full stop, but I guess everyone's idea of 'too much' is going to be different.

You just have to be yourself and let the chips fall. Otherwise you'll be having to fake your whole personality the rest of your life if they decide they like the front you put on for them. Also if you show you care and that you see a future with them and they run a mile then good, if a man isn't chomping at the bit to be with you then let him run.

How about you be you, and consider dating as a two way process of deciding if you are both compatible with each other. If man runs off into the hills at the first hint that you might be a human being with feelings and opinions and expectations, open the door on his way out and buy him roller skates to send him on his way faster. Ultimately putting up a game plan or charade of being someone you are not is doing yourself a disservice, and is exhausting in the long run. There are plenty of single men in the sea, and most of them are not worth having. Those that are worth your time will be able to cope with the fact that you are not a robot, and will like that side of your personality. Be kind to yourself and put your needs first.

Really depends what you are thinking. Showing you are interested and what to see what develops is not too soon.

telling them you love them or worship them early on would scare them. There is a middle ground if saying you enjoy spending time with them and you find them attractive.

I used to worry about showing emotions too soon to the point I came across as cold. With DP it felt natural and I didn’t need to worry. It just progressed. Maybe something holds back or the emotions said are are forced or not truly real to create a false closeness.

just don’t worry

To be fair, I run a mile when men show emotion too early into a relationship. Early dating should be light and fun, not feeling like an unpaid therapist with dysfunctional men dumping their problems on you.

😂

Look, I don't want to be all #NotAllMen, but there is a state in between 'light and fun' and 'dysfunctional man dumps problems'.

How much emotion are we talking here?

Because yes, short of extraordinary circumstances like a parent dying or something, I'd find "too much" emotion a red flag in the early stages of dating, whether or not it was a positive or negative emotion.

I think most men would think similarly to me

Well, or what is the emotion? People of either sex wibbling at ‘Slipping Through My Fingers’ from Mamma Mia or losing their shit at their football team’s victory or defeat wouldn’t work for me.

Good point. I think from what I’ve witnessed of friends who are dating, I’m thinking about times when they’ve let themselves relax and feel comfortable saying they like the other person and show that they’re happy and enjoying the connection. One friend said she said ‘Miss you’ to someone she’d been dating regularly for 2.5 months and he ghosted her. Another friend told me she’d been up all night talking and sharing past memories with a new boyfriend, only for him to go completely cold in the days following and it ended.

Ok, well neither of those, on the face of it, seems like something that'd make me or most men run a mile.

The "Miss you" in particular, I find it hard to believe that would be the cause of the relationship ending. Probably just a coincidence.

The second one, I can see it being the catalyst for the end of the relationship, but not because of "too much emotion" specifically.

To generalise, I think men and women date differently. Women go into dating to find a relationship. Men go into dating to date, and at some point find themselves in a committed relationship without quite realising how they got there. This is why men quite often dump women shortly after a big relationship milestone. After sex for the first time, or an I Love you, or one of those all night chats where you've both bared your soul.

Women treat these milestones as proof the relationship is deepening, whereas for men they're the moment that makes them realise they're in a proper relationship, and makes them evaluate whether they're serious enough about this person to actually want to be in a proper relationship with them.

So your friend has this great really deep convo, and thinks "Wow, this must be really going somewhere. " While he's thinking, "Huh, this is really starting to go somewhere, is that actually what I want?"

The showing of emotion isn't the issue, it's just catalyst for the man realising that this has gone from being a bit of fun to something more serious. If it wasn't that, then it would be something else further down the line.