Stay together for economic stability

[Ashleyupnorth]

Thought I'd post here to gauge responses on whether there are people out there who want to divorce and know they will be better off emotionally and mentally but are concerned about finances, particularly if they are a low earner thus making it difficult to manage financially going forward.

What is best to lead a mentally happy, healthy life but be a lot worse of financially or stay unhappily married but be secure financially. Any opinions on this?

For me I think it would depend how unhappy you both are, if you have kids, and how financially impactful it would be to separate.

But I think most people on MN would choose happiness over financial security.

Every single day for me. I think ultimately there will come a time where happiness comes first over money - or when mental health starts to decline. If you ever figure it out, let me know!

If you've ever talked to an 80yo who stayed with a bad husband "for the money", I'd be off, regardless. Really horrible hearing how distressed she was, dealing with a DH with dementia and just not being able to leave.

My friend who lived for 35 years after leaving her DH at 60 because he told her she'd not manage, was perfectly happy.

I'm wavering as a 77 year old. H had an OW (EA) 5 years ago and I don't feel the same but I would struggle financially as H has very good company pensions and mine are only small. We have a good social life overall with long term friends I would not be able to see (cost of travel etc). Difficult decision really.

Thanks all for your replies @Chazbots you're right. I experienced a similar conversation recently with a neighbour. She had gone through absolute hell with her DH over the years. She never left him due to kids and finances. She is 79 and has resented him and hates being in the same house as him so feels she has to go out in the daytime to get away from him. How awful.

Not quite sure what the answer is here. Personally speaking if I were to divorce (I have a teen), I am a lower earner, with a joint mortgage and pension i would have limited funds each month but manageable if I downsized to a 2 bed property. Considering it as I'm not quite sure I want to end up like my dear neighbour.

You should take advice as he'd probably have to share his pensions on divorce.

Yes @Wrenjay I'm so sorry you've had to experience this. Does anybody know about the OW? Do men get to a certain age whereby they think they're invincible?!! Its never too late to start that new chapter.

Yes lots know: DCs, friends and neighbours where we used to live etc. I felt an absolute fool and very humiliated as lots of people knew but I didn't. We have moved to a place where only DS and DIL didn't know until I told them when I found out.

Of all the things to worry about at 70+, a roaming husband shouldn't be one.
I'm so sorry you're in this position.

I want to leave so badly, but we have an autistic 9yr old and have been out of work for 10 years because "D"H says we have to live in another country for HIS career. I have nothing here and he is either horrible to me or puts earphones in and sends me to the spare room once my "duties" of making dinner and cleaning are done of an evening.
I try and keep the peace but that´s nigh on impossible too, because every little thing sets him off on one. I´m nearly 50 and I cannot stand it but there´s certainly no clear way out, either.

I know two couples who did this. One is still "together" but they live totally separate lives. Basically they are housemates who have children together and only appear together on major family celebrations. The other was a temporary thing until the children left home when they divorced.

So far as I can see, they were all happy with the arrangements.

Thanks all and thanks @ELO10538 for your insights. Myself and H are amicable currently. Have one DD (15, 16 in dec). Looking at divorce/separation options. Married 13 years. Unhappy for 10 of those based on behavioural traits (i won't go into the details). I am a lower earner. He earns double and has a bigger pension pot. I am 49 he is 54.

I am not sure I can live another 'x' amount of years like this. Living in a separate room a lot of the time when he is there. Of course, its amicable to a point but...waiting until DD leaves home (which of course could be years away and I don't want to wish her years away being with me in the slightest). Having a clean break seems the best option but also the likeliest of options which means I will be living a frugal life...hence my post.

Not looking for others to make a decision for me just trying to make the best, informed decision here. If one even exists.

Imagine your perfect day.

What material things do you need to make you happy? Or do you value peace and quiet and not feeling like an encumbrance?

My friend who left at 60 had the smallest wee flat (albeit it city centre) and a fab life, not flash just nice.

My friend, who sat on my garden wall telling me how horrible her DH is, has holidays and things but daily life sounds quite difficult.

I’m definately worse off financially after divorcing ex h. Or rather, I was. I think I’ve bounced back now.
I can say it is hard initially as I had to remortgage to keep the house and pay him a certain amount as I was the higher earner.
Absolutely worth it and the mortgage is just about paid off now, 4 years later. The house is mine and I’m back on my feet.

If I’d spent too much time thinking of my finances, I’d be stuck with him for life. As you get older it also becomes more difficult to leave because you have less time to recover.

If your dh has good pensions, be aware that they are not “his” in the event of divorce. They are part of the marital pot and you are entitled to half as a starting point if you split.

You say all is amicable at present but if he knows you want divorce he will not be your friend. Just bear that in mind.

For that reason, get as much info about the finances in general as you can .. copies and paperwork if possible. And don’t tell him you’re thinking of divorce until you’re ready !
In MN speak, it’s called “ getting your ducks in a row”😉

Thank you all for your replies. It really helps and whilst I know I cannot find the answer on the internet your experiences and unbiased opinions are helpful in addition to those I have from those who are dear to me. Ultimately, the decision lies with me. I am possibly overthinking it all but as you know it's such a big decision and one which has sat with me for many years. It has affected my physical health to a degree. I am mentally and emotionally strong but it's still tough nevertheless. My main concern is my DD who is the top priority in this.

@Chazbots I don't need an awful lot to be honest and I am certainly not high maintenance, I can and I have before live on the bare minimum but now I am at an age where looking ahead to older age. @176509user I have already sought advice from a solicitor several months ago and had calls with a mortgage broker etc. I have done many calculations and I will not be able to buy my H out. I cannot afford both the mortgage and any share of equity...even I end up getting more. I realistically will need to buy a little 2 bedroomed place and whilst on paper I can manage it will be a bit tight. Based on how much I need to downsize I suspect my DD will want to stay put with H and that is really painful to think about. Reverting back to my post I am really not sure how long I can live like this.