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Original poster

Marriage over - help me

33 replies

Mightymum05 · 18/10/2025 20:28

My marriage is over. I’ve decided I cannot live with my husband long-term. There are a great deal of issues - including anger. And ultimately we do not make each other happy any more.

My children are 12 and 10 in year 7 and 5. They love their dad of course and I am very worried about the repercussions on them. I could potentially survive another 5 or so years so their childhood is settled. I wouldn’t be happy, would have to navigate his anger but I could probably survive it.

However if I was just considering myself I would leave now. I can afford a much better house in my own if I moved back to be near my family. My job is hybrid and I could make this work with the support of my family. My children have cousins there who are a similar age. But of course it would be a huge disruption to them to leave their home, their school, their friends.My Husband would probably accept having them every other weekend so we might be able to make this work.

All my thoughts feel selfish. Should I just stick it out for the sake of the kids and start again when they are older?

OP posts:
Celynfour · 18/10/2025 20:36

You say you could survive another 5 years of his anger - what about your children ?
How far away do your family live ? Your husband will have a say in where your children live .

Original poster
Mightymum05 · 18/10/2025 20:41

Celynfour · 18/10/2025 20:36

You say you could survive another 5 years of his anger - what about your children ?
How far away do your family live ? Your husband will have a say in where your children live .

Edited

2 hours away. I imagine he would agree this was for the best.
But this is just an ‘ideal’ situation (for me). The alternative is to leave and stay where we are.

I just don’t know when is the right time. Is it now while they are still young, or when they’re older?

OP posts:
Tralalalama · 18/10/2025 20:44

I wanted to move 2 hours away near family and he blocked me. You need permission to move out of your area

Original poster
Mightymum05 · 18/10/2025 20:48

If we take the moving 2 hours away out of if - what’s peoples opinions on grinning and baring it until the kids are older?

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 18/10/2025 20:56

Personally, I’d leave. Your children learn about what love, a healthy relationship, a happy home etc looks like by watching their parents.

I have a daughter and in 10 years time when she has her first nasty boyfriend I want to be able to tell her it’s okay to leave, and not to stay in a situation that makes her unhappy. She will never learn to put herself last, put up with poor behaviour, or settle for less than she deserves from me.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 18/10/2025 20:58

How is the atmosphere in your home? If anger is a problem in your relationship then it’s likely that they are completely aware and are dealing with anxiety and unhappiness because of it.

Original poster
Mightymum05 · 18/10/2025 20:58

Jellybunny56 · 18/10/2025 20:56

Personally, I’d leave. Your children learn about what love, a healthy relationship, a happy home etc looks like by watching their parents.

I have a daughter and in 10 years time when she has her first nasty boyfriend I want to be able to tell her it’s okay to leave, and not to stay in a situation that makes her unhappy. She will never learn to put herself last, put up with poor behaviour, or settle for less than she deserves from me.

Thanks jelly bunny

OP posts:
Original poster
Mightymum05 · 18/10/2025 21:01

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 18/10/2025 20:58

How is the atmosphere in your home? If anger is a problem in your relationship then it’s likely that they are completely aware and are dealing with anxiety and unhappiness because of it.

For the most part we lead separate lives. We have some family days at weekends. We go on holiday together. There have been arguments for sure - my husband has an explosive temper which he doesn’t seem able to control. If experiences stress of any type (ie being late, being in traffic) he explodes and shouts.
But this would be the case whether we were together or not. The kids know he does this. He is not physically violent.

OP posts:
queenofwandss · 18/10/2025 21:02

Sorry OP, horrible situation. I would leave now and do it as amicably as you can. Will this come as a shock to him or has it been on the cards for a while?

I know the children are young and it will be hard for them, but neither are in exam years and they are young enough that they will be resilient. Your happiness does matter to them and the example of relationships that you set for them will be their benchmark as adults so it also matters for that reason.

LeedsZebra90 · 18/10/2025 21:04

Id leave the relationship but not the area. One upheaval is enough, I wouldn't be taking the kids away from their friends and school too.

ScrewyouJonathon · 18/10/2025 21:05

I think it wholly unfair to move your DC 2 hours away from their Father.

queenofwandss · 18/10/2025 21:05

Also I am a big believer that the feelings “leak”. Grinning and bearing it might sound ok but most people aren’t as good at hiding their feelings as they think they are!
I said to my ex when I told it was over that I didn’t want to end up hating him and if i stayed any longer I would have done.

madroid · 18/10/2025 21:05

In some ways it's easier I think when they are younger, there's simply more time with you and the security you provide within which to get used to it. And it's so common now, I'm sure they'll soon adjust.

Staying never works when it's time to go. I'm sure they know you're not happy and that will make them sad. And angry scenes create a lot of tension.

Much better to move on and start afresh with the chance of becoming happy and content in a peaceful home. Life is short and you never know what's round the corner, don't waste it staying in a miserable set up..

Original poster
Mightymum05 · 18/10/2025 21:07

ScrewyouJonathon · 18/10/2025 21:05

I think it wholly unfair to move your DC 2 hours away from their Father.

Edited

Yes you’re right. This is selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mightymum05 · 18/10/2025 21:07

madroid · 18/10/2025 21:05

In some ways it's easier I think when they are younger, there's simply more time with you and the security you provide within which to get used to it. And it's so common now, I'm sure they'll soon adjust.

Staying never works when it's time to go. I'm sure they know you're not happy and that will make them sad. And angry scenes create a lot of tension.

Much better to move on and start afresh with the chance of becoming happy and content in a peaceful home. Life is short and you never know what's round the corner, don't waste it staying in a miserable set up..

Thanks this is helpful

OP posts:
ScrewyouJonathon · 18/10/2025 21:08

Mightymum05 · 18/10/2025 20:48

If we take the moving 2 hours away out of if - what’s peoples opinions on grinning and baring it until the kids are older?

No. I split with mine when my DC were probably one year older than both of yours. I felt it was a now or never moment (or for many years) that was 9 years ago and I cannot imagine staying with him for all of that time. We both moved on, the kids survived and we now both hate each other!

Original poster
Mightymum05 · 18/10/2025 21:08

queenofwandss · 18/10/2025 21:05

Also I am a big believer that the feelings “leak”. Grinning and bearing it might sound ok but most people aren’t as good at hiding their feelings as they think they are!
I said to my ex when I told it was over that I didn’t want to end up hating him and if i stayed any longer I would have done.

Yes I am worried about this and giving the kids a ‘blueprint’ for a relationship.

OP posts:
MummyNeedsCoffee1 · 18/10/2025 21:11

I’d say leave but stay in the area. It will be easier for the kids because they’ll still have their school and friends, plus ideally, in the absence of abuse, they should have regular contact with both parents, and moving away might hinder this.

Mischance · 18/10/2025 21:11

I grew up with parents between whom anger seethed. Do not inflict that on your children. It has shaped who I am and influenced my relationships.

Thundertoast · 18/10/2025 21:12

By staying your children will grow up thinking its normal. They could end up in similar relationships. When people say they would do anything for their kids - this is anything, you are now being called to do that anything, put their longterm wellbeing over the short term pain. You will never forgive yourself if you dont and they end up in similar situations. You and they deserve better

dirtygreyrug · 18/10/2025 21:15

Leave now as it will turn into staying until they’ve sat GCSEs then staying until they’ve sat A levels . The children will sense the discomfort and will be walking on eggshells trying to appease you both.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/10/2025 21:18

Make the break sooner rather than later. Your kids living under the same roof with him for another 5 or so years will only harm them as well as further teaching them poor relationship lessons. Is that what you want to teach them about relationships?. How about teaching them the lesson that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Do not stay with Mr Angry for the supposed sake of the kids because it’s really not easier for you to stay in such a situation.

If he is that bothered about seeing his children then he can see them in a contact centre. Doing mediation with him will be a Waste of time so do not bother. He’s not going to make it easy for you to leave him because he is abusive so will try and drag it all out for as long as possible as punishment to you for in his eyes having the gall to leave him, this most perfect of specimens.

Wowwee1234 · 18/10/2025 21:29

I'd leave now and ask the children if they would like to stay or move close to their cousins. They may surprise you. And you will be happier with the support at hand.

Years 7 and 5 are better to move schools than later on.

SterlingSR · 18/10/2025 21:41

He won’t let you move 2hrs away OP.

valianttortoise · 18/10/2025 21:48

Tralalalama · 18/10/2025 20:44

I wanted to move 2 hours away near family and he blocked me. You need permission to move out of your area

This is definitely not true.