Is it over ?

[lcm1993]

Hi All,

I’m really alone and have no one I can turn to for advice.

My relationship seems to have taken a turn for the worse since our second child was born last November. Just recently my partner went down with kidney stones, we were in A and E until 5 am, luckily my partners grandparents stayed at ours with the kids, but the tiredness tipped us over the edge.

We had a huge argument two days after about the fact that I have never show true empathy or care when she’s unwell. The argument got really heated pushing eachother and shouting it’s over. Since this has happened she has moved to her parents with the kids for a break.

When she went down with kidney stones I accept coming through the door the situation stressed me out so much that I focused on the kids and tidying up, it wasn’t until 7pm that I realised how unwell she was and we went to hospital. She laid upstairs for an hour and I thought it might be something she would sleep off, I was no aware it was kidney stones.

This has bought to light that over the years I have never really cared for her when it matters, which I agree with in some respects .. I let her down when she had our second kid post C section and was recovering, I also let her down once when she was rushed to hospital prior to our second being born because I was hungover after a night out ( I did not anticipate anything would happen as we had a c section booked in and this was weeks before )

I accept I am no angel, and I genuinely do care but I have always struggled to show it in life. However her resentment has built so strong now that it’s affecting our relationship big time.

We have had a tough 2025, my sister split up with her partner who was my best friend of ten years, we worked together and he was cheating with a colleague we were sat next to behind my back, I think this has also affected us both this year greatly and he was so close to us and our kids. Since this has ended my sister has also stopped being close with our kids and partner which really hurts both of us .

My parents suck at being grand parents, they’re never there when times are tough and the resentment has grown so strong now towards them. I vent to my missus but it’s got to the stage where she’s at her wits end hearing about it too. Whenever I call out for help they give poor advice, they use to be close to my partner but post my sisters relationship ending they have stopped talking to her making her feel abandoned too. My mum is retired but chooses to work, and never wants to help my partner raise the two kids when I’m at work on weekdays. They only want to be there for good times.

Having two kids has nearly killed us. My three old year is energetic bean whilst my 11 month old has only recently just recovered from a tongue tie issue. Prior to this he wasn’t weaning well which meant he was up every 90 minutes throughout the night. My partner did the majority of these nights as I was working which is another reason for her resentment, both have never really slept. We love them dearly they are the best thing that has happened to us but this phase is killing us. Furthermore we have a cockapoo who is high needs and despite getting trainers in we still can’t control his behavior, he tips me over the edge mentally sometimes.

I feel like I can’t argue with her, she’s too quick in an argument and can say really hurtful things. I accept I’m no angel but I am loyal, have never cheated on her and want the best for my kids and family.

Intimacy is a big thing for me but we haven’t had sex for months, when we do it feels so restricted, in the dark, and the same routine which she controls. I think she has underlying body confidence issues. She always has control of your hand when you touch her and it feels so rigid.

Can we get past this or is it over ? What the hell do we do ? Everything just feels so intense for the both of us since we’ve had the second and I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

You might be able to get past it as a couple but a lot needs to change.
First of all - rehome the dog, he's never going to behave any better and is clearly a massive drain on your energy.
Second - you both need to agree how you will disagree - rules for fair fighting, if you like. Listening and talking in turn and so on. You need to really prioritise your partnership and the non-sexual part of your intimacy.
Thirdly - you need to be really organised at home with the kids' routines, your work/life balance (both of you). It's sad that in-laws are not much use, but if you've got each other's backs, you'll survive.
Fourthly - a sincere apology to your missus - no, she's not always right, but it sounds like she's traumatised and really hurting. An apology and some changes might help her start recovering and seeing things in a better light.
Very best of luck to you.

She's better off going it alone. You want to vent to her about your problems, but provide no emotional or practical support to her.

Thank you both, both fair comments

I agree with PP - firstly rehome the dog. Secondly, apologise to your partner and acknowledge that you haven't been supportive or understanding enough. If you are determined to try and save the relationship, I'd recommend couples counselling. It sounds like you both need help to learn how to communicate effectively.

You're absolutely in the trenches right now with ill health, tiny kids and little support. If you can do a major overhaul and pull together it doesn't need to be over, but the question is whether you can manage that.

Obviously you see the c-section and kidney stones from your perspective, albeit acknowledging it wasn't great for her. But that's still minimizing how horrendous and scary those moments are. I think you have to accept that you made life far harder and upsetting for her right when she was at her most vulnerable. A husband should be a rock - someone who sees you with love and care and you can lean on in your worst moments without having to ask for it. If you can genuinely see those situations differently and communicate that to her in a way where she can.feel confident something has actually changed, I think that's a starting point.

Good luck. This is a very taxing life period for even the strongest couple.

Your lack of awareness is astounding. You'll say "it came out of the blue" when she is ready to leave.

The woman you say you love has had significant life events that also involve the cutting open of her body and you dismiss your withholding of compassion, support and load bearing as "you're no angel"! But of course you want sex and are complaining about not getting any.

Parents don't owe their children work in raising grandchildren. They are right to only do the good stuff, they already raised their kids.

You slept every night because ... work. But you think that your wife not sleeping while caring for a newborn and a lively toddler, and a dog, after pregnancy and major abdominal surgery is acceptable because, checks notes, you work. What is the woman you claim to love doing all day and night then eh? Is she at a spa? How dismissive you are about childcare which you admit you can't do!

Jeez