How to navigate this

[darjeelingdarling]

In the context of disagreement or mild conflict where someone is bringing a grievance to the table.

and the listener needs to supply some context for whatever was said or done or not done that relates to pressures of life/ ill health, the things they’re dealing with, alongside an apology, if appropriate.

but the grievance bringer states or believes that that is then making it “all about you” rather than contextual reasoning.

OR the listener feels the need to express reasoning and contexts / their pov but really doesn’t want to take away the hurt or perceived hurt the other person is expressing or give a list of excuses. So sits on it - but this can then lead to resentment or feeling silenced as their pov hasn’t been worked through or expressed?

context: I’m personally dealing with a lot of health stuff that is chronic and exacerbated by the fact that I had cancer, successfully treated (fantastic!) but am on meds that induce menopausal symptoms. Attempting so hard not to go on anti depressants. Symptoms and side effects have been affecting cognition at times but I’ve been working hard to get that better through diet and lifestyle. However I clearly am upsetting people closest to me, or can’t communicate effectively.

Dh is finding it hard. It’s hard to plan for things. Sometimes I have the beans and then boom I don’t.

I think if you accept that your clumsy comments have upset her, the best thing you can do is apologise with no qualifications or excuses except to say that you realise you've upset her and you're really sorry and it wasn't intentional at all. Then leave the ball in her court and concentrate on your recovery and taking care of yourself - it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Hope things improve for you soon 💐

Have you sent her the message saying you need to step back a bit, or could you leave it for a week and see if you still want to send it?

From what you say, you've already apologised, but she might not have understood it as a straightforward apology; she might have seen it as an apology accompanied by an explanation letting you off the hook? Is that right?

Your comments here make it clear that you value your friendship. Perhaps you could express that to her now, with a plain apology? Then when some time has passed, or when you both happen to be feeling a bit better, you could tell her about your current problems, and she can work out for herself that you might not have been clear-headed. (Maybe she is even aware of it now - but she's als upset.)

In other words, perhaps you don't need to tell her you can't be there for her? You could step back without explicitly announcing it?

How about if you do take some more time off work, but focus on being there for yourself, not for others? If it helps you, then they'll naturally benefit from it without you once again putting others first.

Would you be able to try antihistamines for the sleeplessness? You can take those individually the night before days when you really need to have slept. In my experience, the hormonal symptoms improve a bit when I've actually slept.

Thanks - no not sent it. I need to think about it. Thanks for your comments, I was thinking I might just back up the apology and tell her I’m thinking of her as there’s a significant thing happening for her this week.

I do think that her general distrust has grown based on a number of things that have happened with other people very close to her who she did trust. In the past I would have been in tune to this more than I think I’ve been able to lately.

I have taken nytol that last two nights. I have been having intermittent itchy spots / hives and occasionally taken other histamines and noticed that some symptoms/ side effects are better. But they dry my eyes out so can’t take them all the time.

I’ve found your language frames really helpful, going in with “I feel …. “

Ugh yes, the dry eyes, aren't we women blessed? You have to laugh as crying is not even an option 😂

😂

Well that landed better. She seems happy via the texts. I do know there’s some more to explore with her though.

im still left with some dilemmas around communicating what im struggling with but not making it seem like excuses, more with dh. But that’s probably best within counselling. I had some via a cancer charity previously that was excellent so I may see if I can again.

oc health have been supportive and taking time off was listed as an adjustment when needed but the reality is that in my role it is very challenging to do. That said, we seem to have a lot of absence at the moment. But I’m seeing the impact of that and don’t want to add to it.

Hope your stress levels get a bit more manageable soon.