Does what he wants despite health risks

[Hangrypangry]

I’ve just realised my partner of 17 years really doesn’t care how his behaviour affects
me or the kids. He is themain earner, not a high earner. I freelance and have given up my main career to raise our two children. I supported him unconditionally for the first 8 years of our relationship including him being at uni and I had thought he was doing he same for me but it doesn’t seem unconditional. The condition is I put up with his selfishness.

He now pays for most of the household bills and I pay for the kids clothes and clubs and the car and contribute to food and bills when I can. If we go on holiday I save up and pay for it.

His mother his entire life Parented by throwing money at him and not really caring for him, she’d outsource real parenting to amateur nannies (give students a cheap room if they helped look after her kids) and just use him for the photo ops as mum of the year to look good. it has fucked him up. As the years passed he struggled to hide his destructive behaviours getting into debt buying albums and items related to his hobbies, lying about this debt and lying about everything and anything and then drinking too much when he got stressed about it. His mother used to bail him out but after a long conversation we all agreed he needed to learn to deal with his debt himself and learn the consequences if it It didn’t work. I wanted to stop the enabling of his debt. It didn’t stop him getting into debt.

He’s not an alcoholic in the traditional sense but he likes to drink more often than is healthy albeit not huge amounts but he gets drunk very quickly. Earlier in the year we had a rough patch and he went to stay with his mum and he was drinking to excess. Within 5 weeks there He had a heart attack and has not amended his behaviour to improve his health since. When I’ve tried to speak to him about his drinking and his debt and how the stress all makes it worse on his heart he nods and then ignores my worries and continues as before. He is seeing a counselor to try to work through his issues but there are so many and obviously he’s working on the things he feels is a priority to him. It doesn’t seem to be his drinking or his debt or saving our relationship.

Tonight after him getting a bit drunk for the third time this week (not badly drunk, no aggressive or violent just irritating), I’ve realised that basically he is behaving like his mum. He thinks if he pays for the household expenses that he can do what he wants, when he wants and it doesn’t matter if that hurts me or by extension the kids. I’m on edge convinced he’s going to have another heart attack because nothing has changed despite his promises. He got a lot of medical support and rehab so he can’t claim ignorance or not being supported, he just didn’t want to do things that don’t suit him. I feel like he justified his drinking because he works hard and pays for everything (although he doesn’t)

i don’t really know what to do. He doesn’t meet the criteria of drinking for al anon to offer me support and I can’t really afford therapy and waiting lists are two years here on nhs or free places. Couples counselling can’t be done while He’s in individual counselling so I’m left yet again at his mercy.

i don’t feel like I can disrupt my kids by splitting up, our eldest has important exams this year and I’m not risking their future because of his arsehole Tendencies but I’m really struggling. I’m not sure if he wasn’t always like this or if I just didn’t notice before.

Re the debt, it’s all secret credit card debt, it doesn’t come from out joint account which always has enough money so I’m never aware until it’s too late.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

How can you be helped into leaving this person?. His mother did indeed cause him a lot of harm and that should have had you running for the hills years ago. He’s learnt about relationships from her so it’s no real surprise your partner acts the same too. He does not want your help, unconditional love or support. You’re been there to prop him up and or otherwise enable him. If he has a further heart attack that is not of your doing either.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do you not think enough is enough now?. You would not want them to be in a relationship like this surely so stop showing them this is still acceptable to you on some level.

There is no one good time to leave but exams can be retaken and I cannot imagine the atmosphere at home currently is at all good or condusive for studying and or revision. Those exams to will likely take place in late spring or early summer of next year so stop with kicking the can down the road.
.

If his drinking affects you and your kids then you should contact Al-anon. There is no set criteria.

You need to secure full time paid work too going forward.

Make sure he has good life insurance? At least then his debts can be paid off and his children provided for financially.

You need to think about a life without him in it to protect you and your children. Your children are witnessing this behaviour and I would be worried of the effect on them.

Don’t leave during an exam year.

but start making plans.

Can you get your ducks in a row to look at leaving next year once your eldest is done with exams?

Apart from leaving there is nothing you can really do as it has to be a change in attitude by your DH. Sounds like he has an addictive personality- alcohol, spending and gambling…. It’s very toxic for you and the kids to be around the sinking ship long term

This is who he is. The sooner you accept it and stop making excuses for him and why you’ve accepted it for so long, the sooner you can start making more responsible choices that will benefit you and your children long term.

You need to increase your earning power, being financially dependent on this feckless man is unwise and probably contributed to you being stuck.

My advice is start making plans for a life without him, waiting for him to be someone he clearly isn’t, is why you find yourself in this position.

As you say he’s your partner, and not DH, what will happen financially if he were to die?

@Hangrypangry I know that comment is well-meant, but wouldn't it do more good to leave sooner?

It made a tremendous difference to us when our Mother made our father leave for good. We were all happier and it gave me so much relief to be out from under his selfish and overbearing behavior.

Not much keeping me here at the moment other than ensuring my eldest makes it through their big exam year. Someone above said they can resit but that would be so unfair on them. To have their future fucked up because of this. Enough lives have already been damaged and I can live with it a bit longer to ensure theirs isn’t affected. They know nothing of his behaviours or drinking (he does it when the kids are in bed). I guess over the years he’s learned to hide it all from them, he’s a very proficient and convincing liar. They won’t notice atmosphere because turns out I’m a bloody good actress and my partner is generally oblivious to how crap things are.

I do have full time paid work but as a freelancer it’s never going to be paid as much as my partner earns because I don’t get sick pay or holiday pay. It allows me the flexibility I need for various reasons relating to my kids. It would be enough to survive on if I left.

I will contact al anon but in the faq there were lists of things about whether it was a relevant group and i didn’t really meet any of the criteria.

I tried to speak to my mum earlier but she just says he’s entitled to a drink because he works hard and that echoes what he says to me. Maybe I’m being unreasonable

I think that’s exactly where I’m at now. I can fake happy families a bit longer which. Gives me more time to plan

Everything would go to my kids. As it should be

I'd say

Chase a reliable full time job with decent salary and pension. You may find yourself needing both.

I think you're wise to stave off any decisions til after the crucial exams - if there is no danger, no threat to safety.

Do you know exactly what the financial situation is? Mortgage, general debt, credit card debt etc? The secret debt levels under the ok-seeming joint account?

Has he made a will? Have you seen it? Are you and your children financially safe should anything happen? What liability for his debts might you be landed with?

Get some legal and financial advice asap.

This is not AIBU but you are not being unreasonable here.

Your mother is wrong on so many levels to say that to you. That sort of crap re him being entitled to a drink because he works hard (the man is an alcoholic) keeps good women like you in such poor relationships,

Do you not think your kids as well as you have suffered enough?, How is your home at all currently a conducive and calm atmosphere for revision and or studying?. It is not is it?. They see all your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him.

Don’t use exams as an excuse to stay with him and yes they can be retaken and they are not the be all and end all. Your poor choice of partner has brought upon them emotional harm to you as well. These men further wreak already damaged boundaries and it’s going to take you perhaps years now to recover from him.

There is never any one good time to leave because after their exams there will be something else like birthdays, Easter, Christmas to deal with so the can gets kicked further down the road.

He’s far more likely to leave everything to his mother when he dies. Have you actually seen a copy of any will document?. And have you made a will yourself?.

His drinking is problematic, you are worried about it. There is a really great thread over in the ‘alcohol’ topics for people affected by others drinking, although this sounds like a plethora of issues at play, and it could help you. Hope to see you there 🌸

And don’t kid yourself your children are unaware also because he’s doing all this when they are in bed. They see the empties in the recycling bin and all your reactions to him. Faking happy families is a shit thing to do.

Ha my kids would never go near the recycling bin, too much like actually helping out. He has been hiding the bottles in the outside bin so I didn’t even realise it was as often as it was.

They don’t see my reactions because I don’t react. I know you don’t know me and you’ll make assumptions based on your experiences but having been the child of warring parents I learned quickly how to hide everything from
everyone. It’s not healthy for me but ultimately I no longer about me

But they see your non reactions (and you do react even though you think otherwise) as this being acceptable to you on some level.

He hiding bottles in sheds etc is a red flag for alcoholism.

Have your kids become as lazy as your so called partner?. Why had this been allowed to happen?.

And you should bloody well care about you because you are the responsible parent here and the one your kids look up too. They cannot look up to him because he’s so unpredictable .

look at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

You were a child of warring parents and history indeed has a nasty habit of repeating itself. I am sorry no one adult protected you from this shite as a child but you are not your parents and you still have a choice re this man whilst they do not. Do not let yet another generation be so affected by their parents problems, problems that they are not responsible for nor did cause.

I really feel for you, the stress of worrying he will have another heart attack is obviously really worrying you. Think about how the stress of the relationship is also affecting your health.

I dont think there is a good time to end a relationship. After these exams, your eldest will be either doing more exams or going off to Uni. Or the others will have big life events.

I know someone who's parents waited til she went to uni and then split. She found coming back to a completely different home life really stressful and awful.

Ive recently ended a relationship with someone who drinks. I feel so much better already, as it was having a huge impact. And the selfishness and not considering the impact on others is very unfair.

I was told that alcohol is a problem if its having a negative impact on someone else. His drinking is having an impact on you. And he is also hiding it from you, which is a problem.

As well as Al Anon there are also SMART Recovery meeting for family and friends. Have a look online, they also have a book. The book has information about setting boundaries, how to express your feelings in a productive way and managing your own emotions. If you decide to stay, at least you can take steps to protect/enhance your own mental health.