Dealing with a sudden unexpected break up

[HeartbrokenSandy]

My ex who I was with just over a year called me up one evening 4 weeks ago and told me he's got to be honest with me and never loved me and doesn't see a future with me.

Honestly in my view it came from no where, we were still seeing eachother every weekend. We had just come back from a great holiday together.

I get that relationships sometimes don't work out and I can accept that even though I was happy and am heartbroken.

What I'm struggling with is how he did it. Via a call just seems downright cruel. His words about never loving me cut so deep because it went against his actions for a year I still just can't get my head round it. He removed me off of everything right after the phone call so I've just been wiped from his life just like that. I got in contact with him a couple weeks after he broke up and he said to me he's struggling with an unbelievable amount of guilt for hurting me and he's having panic attacks. For context he has bipolar II but is medicated. He basically said sorry but I can't talk to you because it triggers intense mood shifts into anxiousness and guilt.

And then that's it we haven't spoken since. I've just been so angry. HE broke up with ME in such a cruel way and he is the one struggling? I just want to scream. My brain hasn't managed to process this properly because I've had no closure. I'm struggling with the fact the last time I saw him I had no idea it would be the last time I saw him or even one of the last times I speak to him.

I guess I'm just supposed to move on with my life. We don't really have any mutual friends so I have no idea how he's doing. He's just gone from my life just like that.

I asked if there was someone else - and said I would almost prefer that because then there's some sense to it all - he insisted there is no one.

Any ideas what to do here to manage? I was thinking of getting in contact with a therapist but feel a bit stupid about it because I'm in my 30s and have gone through a number of breakups in my life and never found it as hard of this.

I was in your shoes 18 months ago. Four years together, I asked to see him a bit more (50/50) dad of kids I never got to meet, and he just checked out - it was like he just turned off a switch. He wasn’t seeing anyone else, he just didn’t see a future with me but didn’t bother telling me until I asked. I am better than I was, but I’m not sure I’ll ever trust a man ever again. A book called Attachment helped me work out a lot about why he acted the way he did - was recommended to me by a friend. I wobble a lot about whether it was just me not being worthy of love, and re-reading the book helps.

I'm sorry you've been through this.

This is super interesting because a few days before it happened I spoke about us moving in together at some point. It felt like he was very unsure about that. And then a few days later he broke up with me. So I do wonder if he panicked at the thought of having to commit more and just ran away.

I’m so sorry you have both experienced this and totally understand how you’re not sure you could ever trust a man again.
I had the same headfuck but in reverse - XH was awful to me for years, spiteful, dismissive, told me it was over and I was an Fin B/C so many times, it was devastating and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. So then we split up and he was heartbroken, he’ll never find anyone else like me etc please can we try again. But I was too broken by then, no trust whatsoever, so it’s over and then it was all about his MH, poor him etc.
Why can’t they just say how they feel and be honest with us?

Possibly @HeartbrokenSandy . Mine was definitely attachment avoidant. My friend sent me a paragraph from the book which referred to something about your partner walking way ahead of you rather than by your side, and I had to respond with three photos I’d taken of him hiking where he was just a dot on the horizon. So much just rang true that I’d never even considered.

Look after yourself. Sounds twee but self care is important. I ate too much, didn’t exercise and turned into a hermit and am now paying the price. Now I’m starting to work on my “fuck you” look as I suspect when our employer downsizes offices we’ll be in the same building. It’s taken me a while to think of a future without him but I think I can start to see it in the distance.

hello. i'm so sorry this happened. it's utterly galling. have the benefit of my perspective. something reminiscent happened to me two years ago. a 6-month relationship where we'd just come back from a holiday abroad (his suggestion). I'd met his parents (his suggestion). Ditto friends. You get the idea. I was happily settling into this 'normal' relationship until he went strangely quiet one weekend and popped up to tell me he'd never really developed feelings for me.

like you, we had no mutuals. i simply collected my coat from his house after a polite conversation and left bewildered, never to see him again. i felt like i'd spent half a year with an actor. it was painful and confusing. whilst i'm not a fan of using any attachment terms, i can only say this: someone who would bail on you without a (reasonable) explanation - or a desire to work on things that were niggling them - isn't a safe bet. Imagine this person being needed for the big stuff; the family illnesses, late-night emergencies, debt etc. You'd be dealing with someone emotionally bankrupt, so better to know now in this brutal way, than when shit really hits the fan. i don't know if that's consolation or not. but think of it this way: your gift is not being like the person who can turn away so coldly.

this is the time self care x 20,000. Call that therapist, write it down. think of all the things - big and small - that you hated about him. his itchy beard, the way he looked when he sneezed. burn the list. revisit the list. get out and move your body. remember to eat. he's dealt you a body blow but you don't have to shrink to accept it.

Give it another month and cuff someone up via OLD

That conversation probably made him focus on the relationship. It seems that it made him realise that it wasn’t right for him long term and ending it was best for both of you

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but what a lucky escape!
I don’t think there’s any way of testing blokes to see if they are like this. If you’re reserved, they’ll chase. I suppose you would have to blow hot and cold a bit before you emotionally commit, but then you’re the flaky one!

Thank you everyone. I completely agree that he's shown his true colours and I'm better off without him. I just can't get over the way he ended things ugh. We had a good year together. What an idiot.

It’s awful op
I’ve told this story many times on here but I was with someone 15 months and was absolutely head over heals when he ghosted me
to make it worse we worked at the same place,
it absolutely broke me

It's not idiotic to realise that you don’t want to be with someone when conversation moves to taking the relationship to the next level. It's perfectly normal. Especially if it's only been a year and you only saw each other at weekends.

He's realised he doesn't want the same as you and.ended it.

I'd also end a relationship of a year over the phone. Especially if I thought there's a chance they'd be upset by it. When you break up with someome, you've already checked out and don't really want to be put in a position of comforting or reassuring them.

That's really cowardly and cruel. I would not have done that and I don't think it's right either.

As I said I can accept that relationships end. It's how he did it that has been horrific.

Totally agree. Some people are just cold though.

As you said you saw his true colours. The person you thought you knew didn't exist. He revealed who he was, and maybe the mental health situation contributed to it, with the manner of how he ended it.

Dear God Almighty, one day you will come to understand that you had a fortunate escape. He is not in tune with his feelings, nor is he honest. If he can pretend everything is fine and then abruptly cut you off like that, it shows he is cruel, heartless, and completely self-absorbed. Then, worst of all, he's the bloody victim.

He didn't panic, he just saw the relationship had run it's course.

Women tend to go into relationships looking to find out whether they want to spend their lives with that person. Even from the very first date. If they see that they're enjoying the other person's company right now, but don't see a future, then they'll end it.

Men tend to work differently. They stay in relationships because they are enjoying them right now, even if they see no future. They don't consider the next stage of the relationship until they have to. You talking about moving in was that point, and he had to decide whether he saw a future in the relationship.

This I’m afraid. He liked you just not enough the move things forward.. it’s like the expression good enough for now. He should have done it in person .. but basics manners seem to be a thing of the past these days

He is not in tune with his feelings

I don't understand this. Why is he 'not in tune with his feelings' because he didn't want to continue a relationship?

In a relationship, it is essential for partners to express their feelings openly and honestly, rather than pretending that everything is fine when it is not. It should not take a year to understand this.

Furthermore, ending a relationship over the phone after being together for a year, while playing the victim, shows a significant lack of emotional awareness.

Well that’s a cunty thing to do, but I think you have to look at it as a bullet dodged. I would bet money that when you are able to look back squarely at the past year there were signs. Also, when you look forward you’ll be better at seeing them. Yes, it sucks right now, but better to know now than waste a single extra minute with this particular person in your life.

Oh, mine said he'd never loved me after 15 years, marriage, property, a business together.
It's just bullshit they somehow feel compelled to say for some reason.
And yes, he proposed etc.