What's women to do

[Littledesparado]

Im 54 currently living in my bedroom, have been married for 20 years to an undiagnosed husband with aspergers, who I love but im very desperate im sinking into a place i can't seem to get out of ,I don't work now due to illness and have no income he has control of money his wage and savings are his i am he has his own accounts, I have to ask for money which I hate doing because it's a massive chore , I can't talk to family because he has slowly convinced them that im the problem, and I need help ,and he can't see that he is any part of the problem .

He is financially abusing you OP.

There are organisations which could help and support you.

refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/economic-abuse/

You're living in your bedroom?

“Undiagnosed Asperger” and financially abusing you? And slowly convincing your family you’re “a” problem? And being manipulative and an arsehole and being able to think all that through? He’s not ill. At. All.

Please wake up.

He’s abusing you financially and emotionally and has done so for many years to get you to the point where you are now. He is not on any spectrum whatsoever.

Abusers often try and isolate their target from family support like your h has done.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. If you are in the UK contact refuge and or Women’s Aid. Don’t spend the next two months, let alone another 20 years in this same situation.

OP please contact Women's Aid. You need help and support to get out of this situation - what he's doing to you is financial abuse. Why are you living in your bedroom? Are you afraid of him? If you fear for your safety, please call the police. It's not ok for you to be living like this. There's nothing wrong with you, you haven't done anything wrong and you deserve better.

Go and see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings and see what you’re entitled to. If you’re married, ‘his’ savings are no such thing and you’re entitled to half the property and to claim on his pension. (Don’t let him know about any of this). Get out of that bedroom break free from this controlling prick.

Thankyou for the link ,I have tried talking to him about it over the years but to him it's black and white, he earns it so it's his ,I've wrote letters because he is impossible to talk to everything is logical to him he cannot see any grey area in any aspect of our marriage, please don't get me wrong he is not nasty with it or physically abusive,he is a very practiced personality in order to survive in scocial situations ,I was someone who he obsessed over when we first met ,he loved my confidence, bravery lack of fear how spontaneous I was how sure of myself I was and I mistook all of the intense obsessive attention for me as deep love ,now I see believe he has fed off me sucked it all out of me ,and he has done it with discreet manipulation all the years I have worked and raised our children don't seem to count now that I am ill and depressed that's the past in his eyes i am a weakness no longer an intense attraction im a contradiction im a mess or I have bipolar and need help or it's the menopause or the tablets im on and if I get emotional im unhinged it's not normal to be that upset I feel im doomed. ..

I am living in my bedroom i think to avoid him over the years when the kids lived at home I was focused on keeping the piece and I was foster carer so also had other children living in our home now it's me him and the dogs , I am and have always been a spontaneous person think it adhd actually I tend to do 5 diffrent things at once im not academicley clever but with my dyslexia im very creative and have a good imagination, so I love making things and making my home look nice ,I do it myself, but over the years we have butted heads because he hates change and he can't handle if I moved the sitting room around or painted, we have lived in this house for 10 years and its still not finished don't get me wrong he has paid for the flooring and a garage conversion and new windows but when I was fostering I was paying for everything to do do with the home the children Christmas birthday's cloathing he paid the bills and the mortgage so he was happy because it was not rocking the boat with his financial obsessive way's it was not stress he has his accounts and back then I had my cleaning job and crossing patrol job and the fostering job i had my horse and my allotment so the we had together was limited and his meltdowns were dispersemore focused on my boys if they had been in the shower for more than ten minutes, or left a light on , his meltdowns happen when he get anxious and his thoughts multiply into and become exaggerated in to a dilemma that he has no control over ,see its like his chess board and he has his players where he needs them so he knows where they are and he's safe he can relax ,as you can imagine his relationship with his sons was volitile so everyone felt like they were being judged or watched when you were doing anything in the same room as him so we just dispersed to our own rooms to save any arguments.

Yes ,he continues to act like he's fine .

I feel so sad for you. It sounds like you’d be much happier without him in your life, but you appear to think you’re trapped. You’re really not, I hope you find the strength to look into leaving him.

Im not afraid of him i just have nothing to say anymore and its very uncomfortable now.

I am so scared because I have nothing finacially and my parents need me close in there old age they need support now but don't have room for me to move back with them I don't want to move away .

if you are married then its all yours too, irrespective of what he says.
Half the house, half any savings, half the pension.
If you split could you afford a small flat from the equity. You might be able to negotiate a higher percentage of the equity if leaving his pension alone.
Likewise if you gave up a career to look after kids as a joint decision.
do your parents have space to go while you sort a divorce, as I imagine that he would not be good to live with while it goes through and you may need court to force a sale.

You don't seem to understand that legally you own half of all the marital assets and money.

Go and see a divorce solicitor and talk it over.

I understand its just fear I think but I know it will be better for us both ,I like being on my own and I have lived on my own and I am not materialistic at all I am happy with my dogs and garden ,thankyou for your advice its not falling on deaf ears this is the first time I have reached out and I think its been an eye opener for me .

What's the more frightening - making the changes or staying as you are?

Why don’t you take a step of talking to a solicitor, just to find out what your rights are and where you stand? I assume there would be a period of time where you need to survive before legal proceedings go through and you get money, but since your eyes are opening, you can find out practically what would happen and go from there. You deserve a life that you love! Sounds even he may be happier with his own money and world to control, free from change.

Staying as I am ,I used to be vert fit and energetic I absolutely loved my allotment and fostering teens ,unfortunately I became ill over time due to a man who made fake pip implants that leaked into my glands and body and because this was done on the nhs it was till years later I got a letter from the nhs recommending removal ,unfortunately I had already had them replaced with more pip implants and I started investigating what the hell I had in body because,I was suffering, I found lumps in my armpit so my doctor sent me for a mammogram, that was disastrous because yet again the implants were leaking and the mammogram squeezed the mattress filler into my body ,i had them removed along with some lymph nodes and tissue around the implants, and because I was only an A cup before all this and had gone to a B cup ,what im left with look a bit like the surface of the moon,I'm left with rheumatoid arthritis gland issues no energy at all severe migraines,irritable bowl disease, depression and a husband that truly believes if you can't see it its not there. my doctor thought the solution to my constant visits and repeat referral to hospital was Tramadol, and it was until I read up on them after wondering why I felt so drastically ill when I didn't take one ,back then there was no knowledge or information about how addictive they were ,I was terrified and decided to come off them i did it gradually it was hell it took me months and all my problems were back I had to give my allotment up and sell my horse ,my cleaning job and clrossing patrol job i was still fostering because I loved the children in my care they had been with us for a few years, I was struggling and put on antidepressants for a while and narrowing for my arthritis in my hands ,then I had a very issue with the male teen in my care wich got worse over the months, the female had left and become independent she got a job and a flat,the boy became obsessive with sexual behaviour and alot of it was aimed at me ,I was devastated because I loved him like a son he had gone from a beautiful little boy to puberty and confusion he couldn't understand what was acceptable and what was wrong we ended up with police involment ,therapy for him and I was afraid in my own home for months ,my husband could not understand how I felt i was giving up and losing my income and thats all he could see,so I felt guilty and carried on then after a visit from a neighbour informing me what they saw from a window in my home I had to inform my foster team and he had to go to a specialist home ,I was traumatised im still to this day devastated as I loved him so much . now I have no nothing and im and a bit lost ,I have claimed through the french courts for my pip implants and I will find out in 2026 what the outcome will be .