How did growing up with non-amicable parents affect you?

[shiffo]

I’m referring to situations where the relationship is hostile between the parents, but not necessarily with the children.
I represent the consistent and ever-present parent, but the other parent is not and I have no idea how it will affect my children long term.
If your parents hate/hated each other, how did affect you? What is your relationship like now?

It's hell. Kids want their parents to love each other. A parental war zone is the opposite of that. How can children relax and calm their nervous systems when their important adults are constantly bickering.What are they learning about positive relationships/conflict resolution/building strong family links.

It was very damaging, we were always waiting for the next storm, everything felt very insecure. I personally just wanted them to separate and felt I would rather not have been born than them be so unhappy together. We kids, as adults, all needed a LOT of therapy. Staying together for the sake of the children did us no favours. They eventually separated too late for it to do us any good as we were all out of the house by then. We all have decent relationships now with both parents separately - they were just a disaster together. I don’t have good memories of growing up even though logically I know there must have been good times.

It’s very damaging. Rather divorced parents who were happy or peaceful

I wanted my parents to divorce as a child.

As an adult, I had to learn what a healthy, respectful relationship was.

It was horrible. Endless vigilance, always waiting for the next noisy, violent row, I think it has had completely pervasive effects on my personality.

My own relationship with DH has been a bit bickery. No rows, but I think I was often irritated and critical of DH when the children were growing up and I do wonder if that has affected them.

I've always tried to make space for my children to see and acknowledge if/when I have got things wrong. I don't know how successful that was. It is a difficult line to walk. You don't want to put any pressure on them to reflect on things that hadn't in fact bothered them, or to respond to any emotional needs of your own. But you do want to give them the space to reflect if they want to. In my family growing up, that space wasn't there. The bad relationship was just this huge unspoken, unprocessed thing.

What about when your parents are divorced but still actively dislike each other? I’m more interested to know how that affects you - just the knowing that the two people who must have loved each other at some point dislike each other so much they can’t be in the same room any more.
Of course I get that having parents living together who are fighting all the time is damaging so they are much better off separating and being happier individuals for it.

Bit like this for me, the waiting for the next storm, feeling insecure. I remember at least once begging them to separate and getting rounded on by my mum that I'd 'caused enough trouble round here too' (in my case I was used and resented by them as well as the problems being between them).
I haven't had therapy though; I don't want to go there. Mine eventually separated too, when I was well into adulthood. I don't particularly have anything in common with my mum, or want to see her, just do occasional duty calls or visits. It's difficult still with my dad too, but for reasons mostly subsequent to the childhood stuff.
Their relationship did make me not go to see them very often at all from when I left for uni, because I knew the atmosphere would be almost unbearable. I resent them both, but especially my mum, as I feel she/they robbed me of the chance to have a nice relaxed relationship with my dad, who I do get on with all other things being equal.

Easier than them being together. But, and I think this is crucial, I didn’t have a stable parent. I think that if I had, it would have made things more bearable.

I didn't have a stable parent, I had a very hostile and bitter parent at home, and a quietly hostile but wet lettuce of a parent who lived elsewhere. They divorced when I was a toddler.

I'm not suggesting my situation is any way similar to what you're managing for that reason. Since you asked though, I remember anxiety and sadness about anything that friends had two parents at - parents evenings, uni open days. Honestly it was a big factor in me deciding I didn't want to get married because I knew it would not be possible for both to attend and I knew how much I'd get in in the neck if I invited one but not the other. It was also a significant factor in me deciding not to have my own children, as I felt that both parents regretted having children. They might not have done, but they certainly regretted having children together so it felt like the same thing really, and I didn't want to be in that position and tied to someone. I felt I couldn't talk about anything positive about the other parent in that home and found myself lying in order to make the parent I was with feel better.

As a teenager I remember feeling angry that my parents behaved like children in terms of them hating each other. It made me think they were very immature and I lost respect for them, and that had an impact on my relationships with them both as an adult.

My parents remained hostile throughout, my mum died when I was in my thirties and she was just as bitter then, my dad had been remarried for twenty five years. And though he spoke about it less, he was still arrogant and critical of her, though he tried to mask it by painting himself as reasonable and a victim.

Yeah, it completely fucked me & my siblings up.

The vicious shouty, loud, bullying spiteful aggressive atmosphere day in day out. Taking it out on us after the event.

That lingering anger never allowed us to speak, breath, make a sound because if we did… well, let’s just say we were given it both barrels by both of them.

They did it in public, didn’t matter who was there, who was listening, they did it. I was perpetually embarrassed and ashamed.

They were both extremely volatile and would turn on us kids over nothing too, and strangers, road rage, someone looking at them wrong, someone walking a dog, riding a bike, any one as it goes.

Fucking arseholes.
Shpuld never have been together, should never have had kids.

That sounds extremely abusive and I’m so sorry you went through that @Floweryfrock23

As much as I loathe and despise the monster my exH turned out to be, we have the most wonderful children together and I do my best to remind them that I don’t regret them.

My parents separated when I was tiny so I don’t have memories of them together, but they clearly loathed and resented each other. I think the major effect on me was the feeling of instability. It’s almost like you don’t have a single sense of reality. It’s made me very self-reliant. The other big problem was the lack of understanding of what a normal, good relationship is like. I’ve wasted years of my life learning things that other people just know. It feels like I’m a decade behind in emotional and interpersonal knowledge. A lot of this could have been mitigated if I’d had even one parent who modelled and encouraged good relationship skills: self-awareness, empathy, reflection, acknowledging when you’ve made a mistake.

My parents were ok till I was around 10, then there always seemed to be a terrible atmosphere in the house. My mum was a terrible sulker and my dad just ignored her till she stopped sulking. The pattern was bickering, row, sulk for days, then suddenly all OK. No violence thank goodness. I hated it, if mum was in one of her funny moods I dreaded hearing dad coming home from work. It's always stayed with me, I think I've tried to shield my DC from hearing any row between DH and me. My mum was a very controlling, sarcastic person and I was scared of her sharp tongue. I don't want my DC to feel like that about me.
My dad was diagnosed with a severe illness when I was 14 and the rows stopped, I always thought because they were both shocked at what they could lose.

It's awful being put in the middle of adults who hate each other and have no scruples involving their kids.

Constantly on eggshells. Vigilant.

I used to fantasise about belonging to a different family, or about living with my dad and a stepmother rather than a clearly unhappy, unfulfilled mother.

As a teenager I understood more and I felt some sympathy. But as an adult I look back with disdain and sadness tbh.

I don’t exactly forgive them and I dislike my mother (father is deceased now) but I’ve moved on from my childhood and have a good life and don’t dwell on it. I also remember the good elements from childhood - my wonderful grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbours. And I liked school - I am still close with some schoolfriends, childhood was definitely not bad. It’s just that home was tense.

When posters on the Relationships board talk of staying together for the children I worry for the children because I know what it can be like. Maybe it can work if the couple are genuinely good friends and enjoy each other’s company though, idk.