A crush is making me miserable

[Underthebridge84]

So I could do with some advice. Firstly i do not want to have an affair, nor do I want to break up my family or the man in question’s family.
essentially about a year or so ago I suddenly developed an overwhelming crush on an acquaintance. We’ve known each other for a while and have always got on well, can have a bit of a laugh, I got the impression there was a bit of a spark there but never gave it much thought. Am sure he didn’t either.
anyway now I think about him all the time. I imagine elaborate fantasies when I am with him. I wake up - think of him. Go to work - think of him. Spend time with kids - think of him. Spend time with husband - think of him.
I HATE it. It’s making me so miserable. He’s a nice guy and I find him attractive but this is way more than a normal attraction (which I could make peace with having despite being married). It’s like he’s a trapdoor to escape my life. It’s like there are two guys - him in real life and the fantasy version in my head. I have read about limerence and it sort of fits but not really in some ways. I don’t know what’s wrong wirh me. Anyone been through this? Any advice?

Yes, sounds very much like limerence to me. I've had it a few times - it feels like a compulsion, it's so constant. You're right though, it's likely the fantasy version in your head that you're interested in, not the real person. For me it intensified when I had issues at home and was thinking about separating from my now ex. It was a pleasant escape at first, but not when it becomes all consuming. I almost told my work crush - in hindsight I would have been mortified if I had. Feel nothing for him now

Going through the exact same thing right now with a huge crush on a colleague. It's awful and I'm so miserable. It's just developed all of a sudden in the last few weeks. I'm hoping it's hormones or something and these feelings will go away soon.

Thanks - it’s nice to hear i’m not some sort of weirdo. I think it’s making me so unhappy. I don’t want to suddenly start ignoring him or anything like that- as I said he’s a nice guy and I admire lots of his qualities.
I just hate how this fantasy has taken over my life.

I'm so sorry, my sympathies, that's really rough! I also hate crushes and limerent episodes. I have a friend who always encourages me to just have fun with them, and I can see how it’s a little spark of joy for her. Meanwhile, for me, it’s tormenting. I think some of us are just predisposed to this fantasy land infatuation, and those who aren’t don’t get it. I hope it passes for you soon. Maybe you’ll find something helpful on the Reddit limerence sub.

I understand OP

I’m kind of going through the same thing now OP - I met this guy 16 months ago and felt we had a good connection but that’s about as far as it went. Although my crush doesn’t sound as extreme as yours, I think about him a lot - dreamt about him for the first time last night! 😮

Ive been though this. Had a crush and I couldn't stop thinking about him and he was always on my mind. The chemistry was magnetic and eventually we both realised the crush was mutual and we developed feelings for each other. We ended it before it got out of hand. These situations can easily spiral. It felt exciting at the time but ended up getting complicated because those feelings don't go away once you get them and let it go too far.

You're perfectly normal.
Every time you catch yourself thinking of him, try to imagine him doing something really disgusting. Like picking his nose and eating it, or scratching his ass and then sniffing his hand. Whatever you can think of that really disgusts you.
It will wear off soon.

Unfortunately you have to starve yourself of the source – which is him. Cut off contact.

How old are you? This seems to happen to far too many women as they start to enter perimenopause for it to be coincidence. Me included.

Yes, me included as well.

And me. Late 40s. I have had a non existent libido for a long time but recently I've developed a random crush and it's making me feel really horny. I'm pretty he's single and I'm debating doing something about it...

How did you know the feeling was mutual

“It’s like he’s a trapdoor to escape my life”.
I think this is far more important than the crush and fantasy you have OP.
We all use things for a little escapism, books, films, tv, social media….but they are temporary very short ‘escapes’ and we don’t usually want to escape our lives altogether.
Affairs are very often ‘escapes’ which is why so few become long term successful relationships, if statistics are to be believed, the vast majority of people want to return to their primary relationship if they are allowed to when the shit hits the fan. I understand that this is an internal fantasy and you don’t want an affair, but most fantasies operate in the same way and are attempts to fill a void within ourselves, they are rarely about our current relationships or partners.
Don’t worry about why this crush is so intense or all-consuming, ask yourself why you need the ‘escape’ so badly.
Try to find out what’s missing in you that this fantasy is fulfilling. You’re obsessed with a fantasy, which you’re projecting onto this guy.
What does the fantasy do for you? Why do you need a constant fix from the fantasy? That’s where the real answer is, you’ve already said you know an affair isn’t the answer, so you’ve got great insight into this already.
What’s missing in you that the fantasy provides?