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Original poster

Hard time watching friend fail her kids

14 replies

ViaCrucis168 · 16/10/2025 21:27

My friend is homeschooling her kids, which I'm not against when it's done right, but whenever some conflict arises with other kids, she decides to pull them from said group because she feels like other kids/parents are the issue. While there is some validity to this in some situations, it's teaching the kids not to deal with and move past conflict. And it's just further isolating them and stunting their social development.

The latest incident has her believing that it's the sign she prayed for that they should move before their next baby is born in the next 5 months, despite her partner needing to obtain a job transfer. I'm religious, but I really don't think a conflict between pre-teen boys is a supernatural sign.

And her 11-year-old can't read. I try to keep my thoughts to myself, but it's becoming increasingly more difficult to be her friend. I'm not sure what I'm asking; I want to be a good friend, but we're always talking about her conflicts and her moving plans (going on 3 years now). It's exhausting, and I really worry about her kids' futures.

OP posts:
Tralalalama · 16/10/2025 21:28

Bloody Nora her 11 yo can’t read. He’s going to have a shock for GCSE’s no?!

RockingBeebo · 16/10/2025 21:31

if you have serious concerns you could ring the council - there is a department dealing with home education who are supposed to be assessing and monitoring home ed children at least once a year. It is worrying if the 11 year old can't read...

PinkJ · 16/10/2025 21:44

Those kids need safeguarding

mamaison · 16/10/2025 21:49

Very bizarre that the 11 yo can’t read. My first wasn’t being taught to read as we were abroad but just worked it out aged 7. I think unschooled children read around 8 naturally.

WateringCans · 16/10/2025 21:51

I have similar with a friend who home Eds her children (to an extent - they’re not in School at any rate). I could challenge some of her behaviours. Ultimately I decided that it was in her kids’ best interests that I stick around, and try to maintain their friendships with my children, because they need to see that there are different ways of doing things. I don’t want the children to become isolated. So, I bite my tongue, because I know she’d cut me off if I commented (she has done so to others).

Original poster
ViaCrucis168 · 16/10/2025 21:58

Tralalalama · 16/10/2025 21:28

Bloody Nora her 11 yo can’t read. He’s going to have a shock for GCSE’s no?!

We're American, so you don't legally have to take any required tests except for the GED. And I'm not sure you can find work without a GED. Our state is pretty lax as to reporting requirements.

OP posts:
Pinkladyapplepie · 16/10/2025 21:59

Work in FE have met quite a lot of" home schooled" kids, never actually met one who was in fact home schooled, most just left to their own devices, which is why there needs to be more monitoring of it, I do understand that schools are not the right environment for some children but they should have the opportunity to learn in a form that they can cope with.

Original poster
ViaCrucis168 · 16/10/2025 22:02

mamaison · 16/10/2025 21:49

Very bizarre that the 11 yo can’t read. My first wasn’t being taught to read as we were abroad but just worked it out aged 7. I think unschooled children read around 8 naturally.

I know. I told my mom I remember asking her to buy me Anne Frank's diary when I was 11...after I had borrowed it twice from the library. And I had read all of the Harry Potter books that had been published.

OP posts:
Namechangerage · 16/10/2025 22:02

ViaCrucis168 · 16/10/2025 21:58

We're American, so you don't legally have to take any required tests except for the GED. And I'm not sure you can find work without a GED. Our state is pretty lax as to reporting requirements.

Show quote history

Ahh might be helpful to put that in your OP in future. Most people on here are UK-based or Ireland so will be giving advice from that angle..

Samsdat · 16/10/2025 22:31

How do you know the child can’t read?

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/10/2025 23:26

"I want to be a good friend, but we're always talking about her conflicts and her moving plans (going on 3 years now). It's exhausting, and I really worry about her kids' futures."
You want to be a good friend - what do you think that means? It doesn't mean just nodding along with any old shit she comes out with. Sometimes, being a good friend means telling them hard truths. You don't have to be blunt, I'd do it in an asking-questions sort of way -

  • Isn't it hard for both of you that X can't read yet? Harder for you because everything has to be verbal, harder for them to not be able to find stuff for themself?
  • It's quite unusual to not be reading at 11. What do you think is the sticking point for them?
  • Have you looked into this literacy delay in any way? What have you found?
  • What sort of jobs can they look forward to if they can't read and write?
  • Do you think maybe you should be regarding literacy as a priority? Why not?
And if her answers are all just denying that this is going to be a problem for their child, then yes you have to be blunt to be a good friend - 'Your child is falling behind and it's going to make adult life more difficult for them. You need to prioritise their future, and bring in some professional help here.'
Original poster
ViaCrucis168 · 17/10/2025 00:28

Samsdat · 16/10/2025 22:31

How do you know the child can’t read?

She told me, which is surprising, and I've seen him ask what simple signs say when I've been with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ViaCrucis168 · 17/10/2025 00:30

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/10/2025 23:26

"I want to be a good friend, but we're always talking about her conflicts and her moving plans (going on 3 years now). It's exhausting, and I really worry about her kids' futures."
You want to be a good friend - what do you think that means? It doesn't mean just nodding along with any old shit she comes out with. Sometimes, being a good friend means telling them hard truths. You don't have to be blunt, I'd do it in an asking-questions sort of way -

  • Isn't it hard for both of you that X can't read yet? Harder for you because everything has to be verbal, harder for them to not be able to find stuff for themself?
  • It's quite unusual to not be reading at 11. What do you think is the sticking point for them?
  • Have you looked into this literacy delay in any way? What have you found?
  • What sort of jobs can they look forward to if they can't read and write?
  • Do you think maybe you should be regarding literacy as a priority? Why not?
And if her answers are all just denying that this is going to be a problem for their child, then yes you have to be blunt to be a good friend - 'Your child is falling behind and it's going to make adult life more difficult for them. You need to prioritise their future, and bring in some professional help here.'

Excellent points. I need to the next time the topic comes up.

OP posts:
LondonGirrrrl · 17/10/2025 01:27

Most home educated children I know were academic high flyers - now an architect, GP, engineer. All had some initial element of unschooling but non were neglected.

Do you think the non reader might have a learning issue?

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