Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I prepare for divorce?

7 replies

Beaniebobbins · 16/10/2025 21:03

So after months of stringing along and umming and ahhhing and putting on dad of the year show H has finally made a decision and wants to separate. So what do I do now. I am main earner and have assets. I have solicitor who I have messaged. But do I need to see mortgage advisors, get the house valued? Do I give him a financial offer and how do I come up with child care arrangements (two DD aged 6 and 9)?

He’s currently acting like dad of the year but he was shit when they were little (he now says this is because he didn't want to spend time with me). He says he will leave but so far is just sulking upstairs and then saying that it should be me that leaves.

OP posts:
Zanzara · 16/10/2025 21:32

He's an arse. For now, just breathe, intelligent help will be here soon. Till then, have a hug. 🌹

ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 22:17

Beaniebobbins · 16/10/2025 21:03

So after months of stringing along and umming and ahhhing and putting on dad of the year show H has finally made a decision and wants to separate. So what do I do now. I am main earner and have assets. I have solicitor who I have messaged. But do I need to see mortgage advisors, get the house valued? Do I give him a financial offer and how do I come up with child care arrangements (two DD aged 6 and 9)?

He’s currently acting like dad of the year but he was shit when they were little (he now says this is because he didn't want to spend time with me). He says he will leave but so far is just sulking upstairs and then saying that it should be me that leaves.

I would kick him out or tell him he sleeps on the couch until he packs his stuff and is out by the weekend. I would tell all his family that you and him are done. Call his mom and ask when she can expect him back home. Literally, I would embarrass the crap out of him.

If you are the sole earner, file for primary custody. Also, you probably need to file for child support? I think it will be easier for you to win here since you make the money. He's going to be miserable.

Jabbathehurt · 16/10/2025 22:21

Don’t see mortgage advisors or value the house just yet. Can you keep it amicable? The fact is that if you have all the assets, is that he might want to take half of it. Try to gauge to see what he wants. For me I was in the same situation as you, I had my house valued by 3 estate agents which he disagreed with as he wanted the house valued higher to increase my net worth so he had more to take from me and we ended up having to pay to instruct lawyers and instruct estate agents to value the property. Same for mortgage capacity reports, these need people who are trained to do so as not the same as getting as big a mortgage as possible to borrow from the bank. In your case you want to limit your mortgage capacity. I know my greedy ex went and obtained one on my behalf to prove that I could obtain a bigger mortgage in order to buy him out of the property he never contributed to. PM me if you have any further questions. Good luck!

Original poster
Beaniebobbins · 17/10/2025 07:50

Jabbathehurt · 16/10/2025 22:21

Don’t see mortgage advisors or value the house just yet. Can you keep it amicable? The fact is that if you have all the assets, is that he might want to take half of it. Try to gauge to see what he wants. For me I was in the same situation as you, I had my house valued by 3 estate agents which he disagreed with as he wanted the house valued higher to increase my net worth so he had more to take from me and we ended up having to pay to instruct lawyers and instruct estate agents to value the property. Same for mortgage capacity reports, these need people who are trained to do so as not the same as getting as big a mortgage as possible to borrow from the bank. In your case you want to limit your mortgage capacity. I know my greedy ex went and obtained one on my behalf to prove that I could obtain a bigger mortgage in order to buy him out of the property he never contributed to. PM me if you have any further questions. Good luck!

Thanks, this is helpful. I've been clinging on trying to make things work but now he's finally made his mind up I just want him gone and the sooner he knows what he can afford the sooner he can go.

OP posts:
pecanpie101 · 17/10/2025 09:38

I would start getting all the finances in order. Do you have access to his paperwork? Get yourself organised for the solictor.
Does he work? Does he have a pension/savings?

Will you be able to buy him out of the house and stay there? Or sell and buy another house?

UnemployedNotRetired · 17/10/2025 10:07

ForeverHopeful3 · 16/10/2025 22:17

I would kick him out or tell him he sleeps on the couch until he packs his stuff and is out by the weekend. I would tell all his family that you and him are done. Call his mom and ask when she can expect him back home. Literally, I would embarrass the crap out of him.

If you are the sole earner, file for primary custody. Also, you probably need to file for child support? I think it will be easier for you to win here since you make the money. He's going to be miserable.

Show quote history

I just hope he sees a solicitor before any of this 'advice' is followed. Both parents have the same right to be in the house, to have access to assets, and make arrangements with children. And that isn't affected by who wants to separate or the reasons why.

In terms of taking things forward, you'll be encouraged to try to come to agreements on money and children, possibly using a mediator.

Original poster
Beaniebobbins · 17/10/2025 10:18

pecanpie101 · 17/10/2025 09:38

I would start getting all the finances in order. Do you have access to his paperwork? Get yourself organised for the solictor.
Does he work? Does he have a pension/savings?

Will you be able to buy him out of the house and stay there? Or sell and buy another house?

I think I would want to try and stay in the home for now at least while the kids can walk to primary school, might be a stretch for a few years but could then downsize when they get to high school age and there is a bigger catchment so more places to choose from. Just concerned that he will come after as a big a proportion as he possibly can which could well leave him mortgage free and me mortgaged up to the eyeballs. It's so galling that they are entitled to so much when you've been the primary earner, the primary carer and they've been the primary leave crap all over the house and sulk every time you asked to help -er.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page