Ex-Dw ran back to Toxic men/ risk to kids

[18KTguy]

I'm hoping to get women's perspective on a confusing and alarming situation and also just general responses about what to do in this case.

My core question is: why would someone return to a toxic relationship, especially when doing so puts their children's safety and their own custody at serious risk?

My ex-wife and I have moved past years of animosity and now share a close, amicable co-parenting relationship for our kids, but some of her life choices are baffling and frankly terrifying. She is my best friend on good days if i have to be honest.

During our years apart, she has dated two guys who are now legally barred from being around her house and our children due to safeguarding concerns—ex-2 was arrested for illegal activity at her home, and the ex-1 was arrested for stalking her with threats of violence after leaving him for ex-2 And on two occasions kids where present which triggered Children’s services safeguarding and she hid all this d until recently( a year later she slipped up).

I've just been informed by her concerned friend that she has started seeing both of these ex-partners again, meeting them secretly at her house after the kids are asleep(for ex-2 1 I have evidence and for ex-1 I cannot confirm but I think kids were with me so I do not care). She is fully aware that these choices create an easy path for me to pursue full custody, and she has even been in therapy for admitted obsession and verbal abuse towards the other ex when she begs for his attention(Trauma bond so to speak and I am fully aware of this situation so I was a bit sympathetic at the start but regardless of therapy she is clearly not helping herself).

This alarming behavior makes me question her judgment and parental responsibility when they are in her care. What immediate, practical steps can I take to intervene and mitigate this risk without compromising the friend who told me? I also can contact a social worker who has been involved with one of our kids through school for unrelated matters but I know she will involve her straight away or take drastic measures that may no fully benefit the kids.

Her Family will never tell her the truth, they have time and time again lied to her about the severity of many of her life choices because she can get suicidal and fully depressed so they walk on egg shells.

NB: Posting this legal subs too

Can u seek to be the main parent here? I don't understand why she would behave in such a way but that needs putting to the side. Your priority should be taking the children to keep them safe.

I am thinking of this to be honest because I had discussed this at the time i sought 50/50 and she lost her mind , was suicidal etc so i settled for 50/50 as it also meant kids would not lose their mum and i would be better off financially to ensure they have a roof over their head.

Now I am prioritising their safety over her feelings as she clearly give two fs

There's no point trying to understand women/men like this. Focus on what's best for your kids, which is probably living with you full time. Wishing you the best.

I am definitely trying to not try to understand but I guess I anticipate she will use her medical and therapy records as defense etc.

Focus is definitely on the kids but i never wished to have kids with such a mother and it pains me.

I understand and I sympathise but do not dwell on that, as it won't benefit anyone. You have children with this woman and she is demonstrating some very questionable behaviour. As the father you need to step up and protect your children. I'm glad they have you. All the best.

If this is true, your poor children.

However - the note of caution I would give here is, do you know for sure this is true? Could the "concerned friend" have any motive for shit stirring? How much do you trust this person has your kids' best interests at heart?

Of course you have to act on this information, at least look into it, and unfortunately you can't guarantee that your ex won't put two and two together and realise who told you.

‘My core question is: why would someone return to a toxic relationship, especially when doing so puts their children's safety and their own custody at serious risk’
This was infact the first question you asked. Even tho you then went to say you’re not trying to understand .

Are you asking to help understand or are you asking for practical safeguarding advice .

if you believe your children to truly be in danger , then there are simple and clear choices to make . Involve social services , see a solicitor , talk to the school . Anything .

I would seek primary custody in this case. Her risky behaviour with toxic violent men is bad enough but her threats of suicide are even more reason for the kids to be with you!

She’s male centered and dependent on them for something which probably won’t be apparent to anyone sane.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t sound like a safe care giver at this time.

I do trust this friend as she went through something similar in the past herself with her ex-partner who was doing almost as worse as my ex-dw.

She cares for the kids, at times i trust morethan my kids's mum. The issue i face however is that when the friend sees my ex doing this, she never stops or reminds how how irresponsible it is until after the fact.

I do trust she would never lie as she gains nothing from it except ensuring kids are safe.

BINGO: I have said this to her right to a T
"She’s male centered and dependent on them for something" she just cannot take accountability and fix her mind before it gets beyond repair