Please I need kinda urgent advice with unstable (ex)gf

[ketand]

Hi, this will be a bit longer, but I am really desperate for advice.

Thanks in advance for reading.

Some Information about our relationship, and I am trying to be as neutral as possible. Maybe I am an ass, as she told me last Sunday, which she now takes fully back. I went out with friends and came back 2 hours later than we said, which was ok. I kinda had to wait for my friend to leave because he drove me there, but I guess I could have said something she then extremly angry with me, drunk smoked a whole pack of cigs and cut herself.

Some points she also criticised were that we didn't do things the way she liked it, even though I often asked if she wanted anything different, but she always told me I am the best and everything is perfect.

This is the 5th or 6th time she wanted to start this kind of big fight and started giving me ultimatums. Most were not as bad, but 3 were really bad, breaking up badly. I also already mentioned them in my last two posts in AITA. The bigger ones, in short, I wanted to go boating with friends, she went to a friend to get drunk and get me jealous, telling me maybe she will wear underwear when sleeping with him in a bed. (She once had something with this guy), She later said she was really sorry about that. The next was when I was on a weekend vacation with friends. The first day was fine, but the next few days she texted me constantly, pretty much ruining my weekend, which I had been waiting for the whole year. While also getting drunk and high at a friend's marriage and flirting with other guys, they are telling her how much of an ass I am. She then drove home when I told her not to, and lost her license.

As described in my last 2 posts, I have had some problems with my (ex)gf, the last few days have been extremely draining, and I just want to get over it. I was already done with the relationship, but yesterday she made up her mind and now tells me she needs me, and I have been the best man she has ever been with and doesn't want another (she is about 6 years older than me). She went so far as to threaten with self-harm, abusing drugs and alcohol. Now she is telling me how many problems she is having at work, and her daughter is now also having some smaller problems at school. On Monday, when she was still in an angry mood, she told me she was thinking about going out with my friends and started texting them stuff. She later told me this was a lie to make me angry. She also told me her friends told her to break up with me. This was also a lie, and later I really talked with her friends, and they said she has never been happier and should fight for me.

She is also on antidepressants and got a few benzos prescribed in emergency cases, which I dislike because she abuses them. I am really sorry, she seems too unstable for me. I also have problems with anxiety, and a partner like that doesn't help with that.

The majority of the time, she was amazing, and we got along perfectly, but I am not sure if I can handle this.

I don't want to leave her alone(drinking at work and threatening self-harm) like this, but I was done. Should I get back together with her or leave her? I don't really want to get back together, and most of the time she was perfect, but every few weeks/months she has these breakdowns where she really goes nuclear and really hurts me.

This is also my first real relationship, so I need to know if this is kinda normal, if I should accept this and get back together.

Please Help and Thanks for reading

This is far from a normal relationship. Leave. And don’t look back.

No this is not normal. Time to break off all contact, delete number and get on with your life.

No this is not normal. Time to break off all contact, delete number and get on with your life.

What are you getting out of this?.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship here as you are doing; neither approach works. You have to end this dysfunctional relationship before it destroys you emotionally and physically or you needing years of therapy to recover from. She does NOT want your help or support and the road to hell is full of good intentions.

Not normal at all.

You need to raise your relationship bar a lot higher than it currently is. Break off all contact, block her and resume your life. She will only continue to drag you down with her otherwise.

This is not normal, relationships shouldn't be this hard, ESPECIALLY at the beginning. She sounds like she has serious mental health problems. The extreme jealousy and volatility make me think of Borderline Personality Disorder.

In any case, she needs help from a medical expert, which is not you. If she threatens suicide, you should call the police or emergency services.

That's all you can do for her.

It is completely morally alright to leave her and not go back. Dating is all about looking for compatibility. She is not compatible with you, or pretty much anyone at this point, because she needs to do major work on herself to become stable enough internally to sustain a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Be resolute. Don't get dragged back in by her or her friends.

You’ve provided a lot of information here, but your entire post ultimately boils down to one question:

Should I get back together with her or leave her?

You already answered this yourself, three times:
“I am not sure if I can handle this.”
“I was done.”
“I don't really want to get back together”

No, you shouldn’t get back together with her.

Not normal. The person you're in a relationship with should be your peace.

Block and run!

No it's not normal

Get away from this woman, as fast as you can.
Block her and move on with your life.

This isn’t normal. The only person who can help her turn her life around is herself; no matter how much support you give her you’ll never fix what’s wrong inside that’s making her have these issues. She needs to do that.

It’s very poor form of her to threaten to hurt herself if you don’t come back. The correct response to this is always to report this as an emergency to the emergency services. Don’t give in to the blackmail. If she’s really about to hurt herself then you’re not the trained professional who should be dealing with it anyway, and the best thing you can do is tell someone who knows how to assist in situations like that. 999 if there are urgent threats of suicide.

Definitely don’t go back to her!

You will find it tough OP, you need to walk away and close contact. This is not a healthy relationship or individual. You must be strict on this with yourself.

you will be better without her and should have no guilt. You’ve stood by her and she is using and abusing you. Hold your head high and move on. Go do stuff with friends and put her behind you.

It sounds like her daughter is at risk of harm. This woman is self harming and abusing alcohol. She sounds like she needs support, but not from you. Does she have close family and are they aware of this? If there is no one close that can offer support, you should make a referral to social services (or whatever the equivalent is in America).

Walk away from the relationship entirely. Don’t hang around as a ‘friend’. It will be kinder for you both.

I didn't even finish reading all that OP. Didn't need to, to be honest. You need to end the relationship and stay away from her. That's it - that's all you need to do. If you don't, you will only have more of the same behaviour. Do yourself a favour and get out now.

Run, don’t walk, away.