Do you hold a grudge?

[Havingamonsterparty]

My ex was a knob - as usual there is plenty to tell but I won't bore you all.

From him I've moved on with my life. I mostly find his antics to get a rise out of me amusing - some have been worse and those I respond to.

Anyway, my current partner is adamant that nothing short of curt communication with him regarding contact with the DC should happen. But I can't carry that level of bitterness around with me. It brings me down.

We had a row about it yesterday. I haven't forgotten about all the things ex did but I don't want to hold on to it forever and I don't want to moderate myself just because of the past.

I want to continue to laugh at the crazy comments and go about my day. Is that what others do or should I stop everything dead in my communications back? It feels too passive aggressive with no gain and it's at odds with my personality. I also think it will show ex has got to me when he doesn't anymore. I no longer care.

From your current partner’s perspective, it sounds as though you enjoy the attention you’re getting from your ex. Perhaps you need to make it clear to ex that you aren’t engaging in general chitchat, just arranging contact. That isn’t rude, just businesslike.

I guess it depends on how much contact there is with your ex. I mean, my Ex and I have retained a good friendship and my last boyfriend had real issues with it. However, you don't sound like you are still fond of your ex so why are you still in contact about things that don't involve the kids. Not entertaining him doesn't mean you are carrying bitterness at all, it just means that apart from the children, you have no other interest in him.

Be honest with yourself, do you like the attention? Does it make you feel you still matter and are important to him?

A couple of my exes had issues with me still being polite and friendly to my exH. I left him and there’s no going back but they expected me to be less than civil to someone I’m co-parenting with. I always found this weird. They had very strained relationships with their exes which caused them a lot of stress. And kinda proved my point that behaving like adults is the best way to be. I don’t know if it was jealousy or if they truly believed that you should hate your ex.
All I know is I’m still co parenting well, and they’re probably still arguing over WhatsApp on a daily if not weekly basis.

It’s fine to let things go and behave like an adult for the greater good.

You sound fine @Havingamonsterparty

Putting the kids first and having a civil relationship with the ex is fine.

Perhaps new partner feels threatened or jealous but instead of him expressing his actual feelings he is asking you to change your behaviour. Which you shouldn't do.

If you have to explain you can just say "he's their dad for worse and for more worse but here we are".

If you feel you need to explain further to keep the peace, you really shouldn't have to, but you could say it's better to know what's he's up to than to cut it all out completely.

Most secure men would understand.

You are fine with your amount of contact, the kids are I presume, new partner accepts this or he doesn't, his choice.

I have no desire to still be in my ex's thoughts whatsoever. He's an appalling person and I will never stray from that thought. However, DC need to come first and if he wants to make sly digs then he can. I don't wish to respond any more. We've been through the back and forth and it was an awful time in my life.

I'm after peace and quiet and happy children.

However, it is interesting to see that my current partner might think I'm enjoying the attention. I didn't assume that position so I should be more mindful of what I'm expressing when I need to discuss the ex and children.

If you're so cool and calm about it all, why are you even discussing/mentioning your ex to your current partner?

I want to continue to laugh at the crazy comments and go about my day.

So you're wanting to chat to your current partner about your ex DH? And you don't understand why he might not like that?

Your post is unclear. Can you clarify? You joke and have a laugh with your ex ?

Unfortunately, yes

I wouldn’t want to hear about someone’s ex. 🤷🏼‍♀️Aren’t they an ex for a reason? I’d presume part of you wanted them back to be honest.

To be clear I don't joke and laugh with my ex.

In my family we discuss arrangements together regarding our children. I listen to my partner about his children and their mother and vice versa. I don't think that is unusual. I would not feel like a partner and step parent if I was uninvolved in everything to do with his children. Likewise he would feel the same if I just disregarded his input in relation to my children.

In any event I take everything you have all said on board and I'll keep it to myself.