Is BIL in an abusive relationship?

[Asvan]

Hi everyone,

My BIL got married 6 years ago. He met his wife 6 months before the wedding so things moved very quickly. I didn't know much about SIL and only really met her at the wedding.

SIL is a very strong personality and is very toxic. The moment anyone disagrees with her, even if its something petty, she will cut them off. Since the wedding SIL and BIL have gradually gone no contact wih all his siblings (there are 4 others, including my husband). SIL fell out with all of us over very petty things and BIL supported her. They never gave anyone a 2nd chance, never accepted any apologies and just blocked us from everything.

DH was devastated and I was really upset for my DCs, because they really liked BIL and used to spend a lot of time with him. He's not even once tried to find out how the kids are or wish them happy birthday etc.

Recently, all siblings have had to spend time together at MILs as she was terminally ill and subsequently passed away. Whilst we were there we noticed a fair few concerning interactions between BIL and SIL. She spoke down to him and shouted at him in front of us and it felt like she had no empathy for him when he was upset with MILs condition/death.

Whikst at MILs we all noticed that when SIL was there BIL would not talk to us and appeared scared/on edge all the time. On the odd occasion when he was at MILs on his own, he was so much more relaxed, talked to us and seemed a lot like his old bubbly self. As soon as SIL would walk in BILs whole demeanour would change.

My DH bumped into BILs childhood friend today. Friend told DH that BIL has cut contact with all his friends too. There was a group of about 6 of them and he is not in contact with any of them.

Most concerning was that BILs friend told DH that SIL had put a tracker on BILs phone and he had witnessed SIL degrading and humiliating BIL a few times too. Friend said that he was so concerned about BILs wellbeing that one day he called BIL to ask if he was happy in his marriage etc. BIL recorded the call and then played it to SIL. This led to a big argument between BIL and friend, BIL told friend that there were no secrets between him and SIL and that he told her everything. After this friend has been blocked from BILs life.

BIL now has no family or friends and we are genuinely concerned about him. He has blocked us off everything so there is no way we can contact him and I'm worried that if we do try to contact him then he will report it all back to SIL.

Is this an abusive relationship and what can we do to help?

Well it's obviously abusive but if BIL is so entrenched you will be on to a loser.
You cannot help or hope to help someone who does not see they need help.
I had this with my sister, she was in an obviously abusive relationship but us showing her that just made her retreat more.. I liken it to the hostage situation, I'm not sure what's it called, they are so used to the situation they hate anyone calling it out..
I'm really sorry, it took my Sis to have a head injury by him and hospitalisation to wake up.

Agree 😢 It sounds very like an abusive relationship but there's nothing you can do while he's under her spell. The 'hostage' situation is called Stockholm Syndrome; it's also similar to a loved one being in a cult. Very upsetting for you all.

If you can keep a very fine line of communication open, it will help when he finally starts to question his normality. Maybe send Christmas cards made by the kids? No significant messages or hints! Just so he knows you think of him/them.

It certainly sounds like it. Unfortunately there's very little you can do, unless you have reason to believe that the abuse has progressed to criminal.

If you try to interfere, you're proving her right. It has to come from him, you've just got to be there for him when he sees the light.

Thanks for the responses everyone.

It's so hard for us to sit and and do nothing.

Also now that he has been disconnected from everyone I wonder how long it will take for him to realise?