My past

[Mummalovesyou]

So me and oh were watching a tv programme tonight , one of the people in the tv programme let’s say he’s called ‘Brian’ I got his name wrong , I called him let’s say ‘Tony’ . This name happens to be a name of someone who I spoke to ONCE and had a picture with BEFORE me and oh got together. We’ve been together 12 years, so I’m talking about 15/16 years ago.

he has lost his shit. Told me I have this person on the brain, I fancy him and literally arguing with me over my past of what he thinks happened.
A little more… I got SA’d which resulted in a pregnancy, which I terminated . (Not by Tony) This is all a lie apparently and I slept about and wanted to get pregnant. Which is absolutely untrue, but even if I did sleep around before , it’s got absolutely nothing to do with him? He’s calling me a pathological lier, I’ve lied to him and telling me I need to contact this person to get in touch cos I fancy him.
This person passed away a few years ago, I only know this cos a family member of mine told me and I said this to him and he said I was obviously with him cos all my family knew of him. He was disabled and he done quite a lot of charity work, and we went to the same school. Our relationship was literally just a friendship nothing more nothing less. But apperently I know all this cos I keep in contact with his family and I have some unconditional love for him.

let me tell you, I have nothing against this at all. But this person was quite sweet. He couldn’t do a lot of things for himself, he couldn’t walk, he couldn’t go to the toilet himself . He had a carer 24/7 . Not that in matters but how he thinks this disabled boy at the time would be shagging me in back alleys and all sorts I don’t know

Barjng in mind throughout our whole relationship he’s spoken to multiple girls behind my back and blamed me , and spoke to yet another one behind my back , met up with her multiple times, planned to leave me for her , all while I was pregnant with his 3rd child.

He is not talking to me, threatening to talk to all the girls he used to talk to. Talk to new ones etc. Hes blocked me on everything , sleeping downstairs. He’s even changed my name on his phone to someone he used ti speak to in the past for some stupid reason. I feel like I need to put things right but I haven’t done anything? Ffs honestly this is complete bullshit

about my past when I was 17. I’m now 32. I don’t know weather to laugh or cry.

Distance yourself from him and literally get him to fuck. You know it makes sense.

Run. Run and then run faster.
He's an abusive man.
You must know this surely?

The details are absurd but thats the whole point. He has manufactured a crisis to put you down and let you know your place. Kick him to the kerb.

He slept downstairs he wouldn’t even come to bed. I’ve done nothing wrong I don’t get it? He used to question my past a lot. But then he gave up cos he was trying to trick me and catch me out but never worked cos haven’t lied about it.

he’s going to drag this on for days now. The person he is, he will 100% speak to someone, when he gets his ego knocked like this it’s what he does.
I turned him down for sex once cos I was so tired and he went and spoke to someone cos he had his ego knocked.

Im honestly so confused

He’s abusive. You are being abused. You need to get away from this nasty piece of work. He is clearly devaluing you on a daily basis and if you don’t get some distance you will become a shell of yourself. Run!

‘Im honestly so confused’

No need for confusion, he’s just an absolutely nasty disordered human being and he will not change. Placing yourself in confusion mode is just going to extend the period he can damage you mentally and emotionally. He is abusive.

Op you are so much better than this idiot.
classic deflection and blame going on here - he’s doing something wrong and looking for a reason why something is your fault.

let him sleep downstairs. He’s waiting for you to cave in and smooth things over. Don’t. Tell him if he doesn’t like it then he can leave.

don’t accept this nonsense. You’re worth so much more

throughout our whole relationship he’s spoken to multiple girls behind my back and blamed me , and spoke to yet another one behind my back , met up with her multiple times, planned to leave me for her , all while I was pregnant with his 3rd child.

Why? Why are you bringing more and more kids into this chaos?

He is obviously a serial cheat who has no respect for you. He didn’t just speak to other women. He likely had sexual encounters with them.

Okay, I don’t know for sure but I’ve rarely met a man who is that paranoid and constantly accusing his partner who turns out to be the faithful type.

I don’t know what there is to say to you as you obviously won’t leave. I just feel sorry for the kids and the example you are both setting them.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He wants to keep you in a cage of his paranoid making and he’s cheated on you to boot repeatedly.

It’s doing your kids no favours to remain with him because they are in turn being abused also.

This is emotional abuse.
Seems like it’s been going on for some time (coercing you into sex).
I suspect he has a guilty conscious and has been waiting to create drama.
Please separate, the relationship is unhealthy. This isn’t good for your mental health and self esteem.

I can’t respond individually but there are reasons as to why it would be impossible for me to leave. He is the sole earner, I will have nowhere to live. I have no family no friends etc. him and his family are very toxic, they will brainwash my kids into hating me. I could go on but I don’t want to out myself more then I already have.

hes not usually paranoid, hasn’t been paranoid for a while a long while. Over my past though it’s something else. I wish I had a past as interesting as he thinks it was . Honestly I’m a 32 year old woman and apart from the SA he’s the only person I’ve ever been intimate with I’m not sure what part of that he doesn’t get. I don’t even know why it has to be a row , I don’t care what he done before I met him I really couldn’t give a toss 😩

The only “confusing” thing about this is that you’ve been with him 12 years! Honestly he sounds like he’s about 13, and abusive at that. Please get your act together and kick him well away!

@Mummalovesyou there is no excuse to stay with this man, his behaviour towards you is toxic (gaslighting, blame shifting, serial cheating, devaluing) and it WILL in time damage your children and their future relationships. If you can’t leave now, then at least get a job and in a position where you can exit this relationship in the future.

Honestly what are you wanting out this post? No one is going to say anything other than he’s abusive and you shouldn’t be with him.

He sounds awful. It might be hard to leave but it’s not impossible, don’t let yourself believe that. There’s always a way out. How old are your kids? Are you able to work?

Well he can’t drag it on if you end it.

He is vile. Is he always very controlling like?

It will only get worse. Please end it. For your safety and mental health.

You are being abused by him. You need to accept that this isn’t ok behaviour - it’s abuse. It might feel normal, but it’s not, and you don’t deserve it. You deserve someone who loves and trusts you.

It sounds like you’re in a difficult position re leaving, but there are ways out, and ways that you might be able to gain full custody of your kids. The best thing you could do is speak to somewhere like Women’s Aid or a domestic abuse charity and get some advice. You can also have free consultations with solicitors about divorce, so maybe explore that.

You don’t have to do anything with the information yet, but you should explore it. It’s really helpful to hear someone else giving perspective on stuff like this, because it’s easy to become so used to it that it seems normal. It’s not. This isn’t normal behaviour and you need to get you and your kids away from it for all your sakes.

OP

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

It is NOT impossible for you to leave; he has by design made it feel very difficult for you to actually do so.

You are now 32; you do not want another 12 years of this self same treatment from him. How do you see your life pan out if you stay with him?. There is no good future for you or your kids if you choose to stay with him.

He further targeted you at 20 years of age (sop barely out of childhood yourself) and deliberately so to abuse you; he sensed you were vulnerable and or in a bad place so went on of further exploit that. You would be far better off in a refuge place with your children.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Where are your parents/aunts/uncles? DO you have any sort of relationship with them these days?.

He remains paranoid about your supposed past and will hold that over you for the rest of your days. But it is one rule for him and quite another for you; he has cheated on you repeatedly and you have not. Such men who bang on about their woman aka possession cheating with all and sundry are themselves rarely if ever faithful themselves.

What sort of an example does he show your children?. What are they learning from you both about relationships here?.

The sexual abuse you suffered previous to him was not your fault; that is solely the fault of the perpetrator. Sexual abuse also is not intimacy; it is about power and control and your rapist wanted absolute over you. Were you ever offered any therapy or support?.

Your boundaries, already skewed here by previous abuse, are being further eroded away by this individual now. This individual likes having you around so he can abuse and otherwise control you. You also do all the childcare and housework, that is your job. Of course he does not want you working outside the home and have a life of your own other than being barefoot and pregnant because that will further open your eyes as to how abusive this relationship is.

Why are you with this awful man? You know he's abusing you, don't you?

Why are you even with this poor excuse of a man?!

Oh for goodness sake, dump the tedious twat! What on earth are you doing with him? Who could be arsed with all this drama?

You should not be confused - it is abuse

Contact Women’s Aid and talk to them about your options.

You need to move to Mars - probably Pluto actually - because this is how far away you need to get from this controlling, abusive nut-job.

There’s no confusion here. You absolutely have done nothing wrong. You know it, and he knows it. These types are all the same. They blame you for things that you haven’t done, so they’ll can use this imagined ‘crime’ of yours to do whatever it is they are planning to do (almost always cheating).

They are pathetic, evil manipulators. Please speak to a domestic abuse charity, see your GP, and talk to your children’s school. They can inform social services who can help you get away from him. I know you feel trapped and helpless, but many of us have got away from men like this, often with no/minimal support from family or friends. You can too! x