How to deal with a ‘friend’ who is pathologically lying and then gaslighting.

frenemyissues · 2025-10-15T22:58:36+00:00

I have been ‘friends’ with this person for over 20 years and she used to work for me for a very long time. We had a great relationship or so I thought. Then when we stopped working - she has acted very strangely. She lies constantly - even in messages - about really weird things - such as not mentioning her moving house and then saying she did - and that ‘because of my anxiety I must have forgotten’! - She even texted my dh behind my back to say the same thing. Then she, for some unexplained reason blocked me from fb, instagram and all other social media, then said that all these accounts had been hacked etc. the reasons are so non sensical that I can’t even think how to challenge her about it. A couple of years have passed but meeting her for a coffee has turned into a nerve wracking experience. I dread it. Has anyone else experience this behaviour in a friendship - and what did they do? We have overlapping friends and I don’t want it to be ultra awkward at the odd party or gathering where we are both there and I know if I cut her off - that would be the case. She is neurodiverse and I think finds friendships difficult - I introduced her to my group years ago and they say that she constantly asks them what I am doing etc - so much so that it has made me now back off from them. I sort of feel under attack if that makes sense - I am actually really quite nervous of the what next scenario.

BreakingBroken · 16/10/2025 05:02

you need to care a little less and simply grey rock her.
yes it may spill over into other friendships so you should be prepared to move forward and expand your social circle.
no one, absolutely no one, needs dramatic people/liars in their lives.

BlackCoffeeAndSugar · 16/10/2025 05:04

Distance. Be busy.

beadystar · 16/10/2025 05:23

I experienced this once, with a male friend. I was naive at the time but I believe now that he has narcissistic personality. Of course, he was lying to others about me too and it turned into a mess which cost a few other friends. What I wish I’d done is firstly realised it, but secondly put a great deal of distance in. Be busy. Grey rock. Don’t go for a coffee with her and be careful with what she can see on your social media. Just give her nothing and focus on yourself and other friendships.

Nestingbirds · 16/10/2025 05:57

This is a mental health problem op. You can’t change it I am afraid, you can be low contact and avoid her as far as possible, be nice in person on the off chance you see her.

SardinesOnGingerbread · 16/10/2025 06:21

There's something there about her not letting you know she'd moved (except when caught out) and reducing your ways to see what she's up to (blocking social media). Is it possible that whilst she felt forced to behave a certain way around you due to (you point out) that she worked for you, but potentially after that has only stayed in touch because of the shared friendship group and, like you, having an awareness that a rift might cause difficulty? She may be asking about you and what you do out of anxiety, and wanting to keep tabs on you.

Obviously none of us, including you, know, so I was just considering one of the possibilities.

Original poster

frenemyissues · 16/10/2025 08:13

SardinesOnGingerbread · 16/10/2025 06:21

There's something there about her not letting you know she'd moved (except when caught out) and reducing your ways to see what she's up to (blocking social media). Is it possible that whilst she felt forced to behave a certain way around you due to (you point out) that she worked for you, but potentially after that has only stayed in touch because of the shared friendship group and, like you, having an awareness that a rift might cause difficulty? She may be asking about you and what you do out of anxiety, and wanting to keep tabs on you.

Obviously none of us, including you, know, so I was just considering one of the possibilities.

Thanks - yes a different perspective. But her. I did try to break feee - I got a long email from her asking to remain friends etc

OP posts:

BreakingBroken · 16/10/2025 15:29

maybe a strange sort of trauma bond?
either way your life would be more pleasant if you grey rocked her.

LifeSurvior · 16/10/2025 15:49

frenemyissues · 16/10/2025 08:13

Thanks - yes a different perspective. But her. I did try to break feee - I got a long email from her asking to remain friends etc

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You didn't mention you "tried to break free" in your post OP.,.. that's quite important but vague?
What did you do to "try and break free" that she had to write you a long letter to ask to remain friends?

LifeSurvior · 16/10/2025 15:49

*email sorry

Original poster

frenemyissues · 16/10/2025 15:55

LifeSurvior · 16/10/2025 15:49

You didn't mention you "tried to break free" in your post OP.,.. that's quite important but vague?
What did you do to "try and break free" that she had to write you a long letter to ask to remain friends?

Show quote history

I distanced myself from her. No messaging etc. Then she sent an email saying that she was upset she hadn’t heard from me etc and how she wanted to remain close friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

frenemyissues · 16/10/2025 15:56

BreakingBroken · 16/10/2025 15:29

maybe a strange sort of trauma bond?
either way your life would be more pleasant if you grey rocked her.

What does grey rocking mean ?

OP posts:

BreakingBroken · 16/10/2025 16:06

Grey Rock is a technique which is polite yet doesn’t provide fuel for the person who creates drama. Loads of info online.

LifeSurvior · 16/10/2025 16:07

frenemyissues · 16/10/2025 15:55

I distanced myself from her. No messaging etc. Then she sent an email saying that she was upset she hadn’t heard from me etc and how she wanted to remain close friends.

Show quote history

But she distanced herself from you to be honest by blocking you on all social media a few years ago.
I don't understand why someone who wanted to remain friends would do that.
Maybe just be very slow answering messages, be vague about meeting up with the intention of never meeting up again, you absolutely don't have to meet uo you do know that don't you, and just let it naturally fade out.
Oh and get your Husband to block her number, although I don't understand that either, my Husband would never have a random friend of mines number in his phone, best friend yes but not a random ex employee that I don't meet very often, that's a bit strange tbh.

FuzzyWolf · 16/10/2025 16:13

You don’t like her so you’re not friends with her. Just move on with your life and leave any contact with her behind.

momtoboys · 16/10/2025 16:15

My situation is somewhat similar except the pathological liar is my older sister. She lies so much that if she said to me "the sky is blue", I would have to go outside and look because I wouldn't believe her. The funniest lying story is on one of my son's birthdays (twins) she said she was going to give them money for a present (which was lovely of her but we told her completely unnecessary). When the birthday came she called, frantic that all of her bank accounts had been frozen and hackers had stolen $7,000 from her. No gift was ever given (which was fine!). Two years later the birthday comes along and she texts my sons the EXACT same story as the first time - down to the $7,000 taken by hackers. She clearly had forgotten that she had told that elaborate lie before.

I got good perspective on this situation from my therapist. She said the best thing I could do is when I am dealing with my sister, deal with her as if she is mentally ill, which clearly she is. It has really changed the way I deal with her.

Boomer55 · 16/10/2025 16:16

I couldn't stand all the drama.

Original poster

frenemyissues · 16/10/2025 19:06

beadystar · 16/10/2025 05:23

I experienced this once, with a male friend. I was naive at the time but I believe now that he has narcissistic personality. Of course, he was lying to others about me too and it turned into a mess which cost a few other friends. What I wish I’d done is firstly realised it, but secondly put a great deal of distance in. Be busy. Grey rock. Don’t go for a coffee with her and be careful with what she can see on your social media. Just give her nothing and focus on yourself and other friendships.

Thanks - yes - it’s the lies she is telling other mutual friends that bothers me. So difficult.

OP posts:

Original poster

frenemyissues · 16/10/2025 19:34

momtoboys · 16/10/2025 16:15

My situation is somewhat similar except the pathological liar is my older sister. She lies so much that if she said to me "the sky is blue", I would have to go outside and look because I wouldn't believe her. The funniest lying story is on one of my son's birthdays (twins) she said she was going to give them money for a present (which was lovely of her but we told her completely unnecessary). When the birthday came she called, frantic that all of her bank accounts had been frozen and hackers had stolen $7,000 from her. No gift was ever given (which was fine!). Two years later the birthday comes along and she texts my sons the EXACT same story as the first time - down to the $7,000 taken by hackers. She clearly had forgotten that she had told that elaborate lie before.

I got good perspective on this situation from my therapist. She said the best thing I could do is when I am dealing with my sister, deal with her as if she is mentally ill, which clearly she is. It has really changed the way I deal with her.

The best advice - thanks!

OP posts:

Isayitasitis · 17/11/2025 10:56

Her being ND is in no relation to her lying and gaslighting. That's her personality and she has no reason to do it so she's clearly a strange one.

If meeting her fills you with dread, why are you still meeting her? Just block her on everything like she did with you on social media and be done with it all.

Friendships are supposed to make you feel good, not dread them!