He finally said it, he wants a divorce

[Focussingonme]

It's been on the cards for a while, and last night after the kids were in bed after a petty row he said it. He said he's done, he wants a divorce. He doesn't love me.

In the past when we've danced around the topic, I've fought hard for our marriage and our relationship and our children (ds8 ds4) but not this time. This time I was calm, I said ok. That the kids are the centre and we have to be considered in our approach as some SEN.

I feel numb. I cried once today after I dropped the children at school and on my way to work but that's all.

We've been civil tonight, I asked if he'd thought about what he wants to happen next. He said he agrees it's about the children. I've suggested we wait until after Christmas to tell them so we don't make a mess of everything at school and there is lots to sort out first. We can't do anything until August finance wise anyway and certainly cannot afford to maintain two homes.

He is a good man, but depressed and refusing to seek help and I can't do it anymore. He drinks excessively. We've been together for over 2 decades.

I've taken their passports as he made a comment last night about taking them away and he can be impulsive.

What else do I need to do? When will it hit me?

Make sure you have copies of the marriage certificate so you can file for the divorce.
speak to a family lawyer, even if you aren’t planning on the actual separation just yet they can give you advice on what to do now
get finances in order, make sure he isn’t hiding anything you need to know about be it secret cash or secret debt,
consider counselling either as a couple or for yourself counselling or mediation can help with the end of a relationship as well as saving one, or do it for yourself to help you through this,
tell your friends, family and support network, it is shit and you havepeople who will help get through the shit
look after yourself for yourself, it’s about you now not him, do what is the best of interests of you and the kids.
sending hugs x

You need to talk to a lawyer. And, if you can afford it a therapist. I started therapy when a friend urged me to, it was transformational. It helped me make sense of the separation, and eventually helped me be whole again. I only approached a lawyer nearly two years after separation, and after I had tried mediation etc, and I really should have spoken to a lawyer straight off.

I’d say it’s his depression talking and in reality he doesn’t want a divorce.
But protect yourself, emotionally and practically.
Does he really not want to see his children everyday and spend Christmas etc away from them? What a foolish man. I’m sorry. You can only do so much.

I didn’t want to read this and not respond, I am sure someone with better words of wisdom will be along soon.

I would suggest being kind to yourself, I would seek family support or tell someone you are close too - to support you with the difficult days. Please see the GP or speak with the local talking services (used to be called IApT) if you need too.

I would start to review your day to day interactions with your DH. When I got divorced my DH turned really quickly- he became cold, focused on money etc.. I am not saying that will happen here but do be wary and do not agree to anything without getting advice or really thinking it through.

I would gather all financial details / pension info etc and I would (as you have done) hide passports, change passwords if needed and make sure any personal valuables are safe.

I would focus on getting myself sorted in the new year and if not working full time - think about increasing my hours/ claiming benefits so I know I am financially secure.

Sending hugs xx

Thank you. I think we are probably past saving, I feel like his depression has eaten away at what we had and undermined it all and it doesn't feel like there are enough pieces left to put it back together.

When we are good, it's really good, but these lows are getting harder and harder to navigate and I'm so aware of the impact on the kids when he is in a mood or being snippy.

When he isn't here the house is nicer. That's not a great endorsement.

When will it hit me?

Are you hoping he’ll change his mind or are you happy with his decision?

Edit to say - sorry I was typing that while you explained

I am working ft and actually earn more. I want to keep the house, that I'm certain of. I'm the primary carer of the kids so think as they are so young that makes sense. Not sure he'd agreed though. I think I could just about afford it on my own, but whether I'd get a mortgage alone is another matter as there isn't much equity.

He wants to end us, he can be the one to go.

I'm not sure to be honest. I'm not happy, I'm sad but calm, maybe a little relieved?

I'm not sure if take him back. I told myself last time he skirted around it (about a year ago) that I wouldn't fight for us again as I can't keep doing it. Started to feel like being dangled on a rope.

It sounds like you've been bracing for impact for a while, which possibly explains why you're feeling a bit numb. It's also been a tough (dare I say toxic) environment for a while too with his moods, his sniping and his refusal to get help for his depression.

It's naturally a massive upheaval (twenty years is a long time, and there will be times when you will miss the familiarity), but sometimes we also end up doing a lot of grieving in a relationship, particularly when we realise that the other person has checked out in some way, and issues are not thus resolvable.

You sound stable, financially and emotionally. There'll likely be some roller-coaster moments, but it sounds like it's for the best for you. And, frankly, his loss!

(edit for typo)

he may not want to go even if he wants to end it. More discussion with him needed first