Something a bit off about sisters new boyfriend but probably can't say anything to her right?

[brownglass]

My older sister in her 40's has been dating a man (also in his 40's) for about a year now. She currently seems very loved up and happy and going full steam ahead with plans to move him into her flat, which she owns outright, he is in a shared flat. In many ways he seems really nice and I am glad she is happy but I just have this niggling feeling about him.

I can't quite put my finger on it and I question myself as he isn't from the UK but another country so perhaps it is just that I can't get a read on him as well but I just have this feeling. I didn't like her last boyfriend who was from the UK who she was also head over heels with and he turned out to be a total stinker and broke her heart.

The new guy seems on the surface much nicer but he's just kind of off, he seems kind of naïve but I've also witnessed him lie about things or withhold that he knows how to play a particular game that was being played for money when he clearly did know how to play it very well.

He wasn't upfront with her initially about having been married and divorced until my sister travelled with him to see his family. He is in his mid 40's and has no savings at all and after a recent emergency he had to pay up repair costs while my sister had to pay for all their expenses.

My brother also doesn't seem to like him much and I'm not even sure our mum does. There is just something off about him, he is almost subservient to my sister and too nice and helpful like he is trying to ingratiate himself which makes sense to a degree but it's also just too much. As I said before I am also aware it could just be cultural differences and language barrier that means we just aren't quite connecting with him

I know my sister is an adult and it is all her business but I also worry that after having had such a tough time in online dating and in past relationships that she is perhaps too eager to make this work and too much in the honeymoon phase to see any red flags and that she will move him in before she has a chance to see him through a clearer lens.

He is possibly gaslighting and or love bombing her but he could also be a good guy it is hard to say without bullet pointed issues really. Is he allowed to live and work in the Uk off his own back or does he need to have someone there?

@Suednymph I think he's legit to be working her without her. My sister is beautiful and lovely as a person so it's not like I think he would just be with her for visa reasons and it is also possible that they kind of over romantic type behaviour I see from him is just a cultural difference. I agree it is really hard define what the issue is. I suppose my main caution to her would be to not move him in with her until they are out of that initial loved up stage but I know he is kind of pushing to move in and there at her place most of the time now and saying how much more money they would have if they just lived together.

The not telling her about his previous marriage and not having any savings is a bit of a worry, but it doesn't sound like she's in the right head space to listen to your concerns – she might take it badly.

If it was me I'd probably say something along the lines of 'I'm so happy that you've found someone; obviously just look out for yourself and make sure you're on the same page about who pays for what when you move in together, as money is one of the biggest things people argue about'.

Then cross your fingers it goes well for her, but be there if it goes tits up.

His idea that “they” would be much better off if they live together makes it clear he’s not intending to pay full market amount for a share.

market rate would make her much better off but not him!

@Owlcat42 I think that is probably the best approach, I certainly don't want to rock the boat if he turns out to be the real deal.

@Tumbler2121 Well I think he says he will pay for all their food when he moves in, not sure if they have discussed other bills yet. I will encourage her talk about this prior to him moving in.

I think you are on a hiding to nothing if you voice your concerns.
Presumably she is similar age and isn't classed as vulnerable?
I think I'd just ask if she's thought about what could go wrong and how she'd manage in those scenarios.
If she says she doesn't need to, you could say she would have said that about the previous one.
Then leave her to it.

I would tell her that he needs to pay her at least what a lodger would pay. NO FREE RIDE. For reasons of fairness, & not to go too fast. In view of former heart break blablabla. See how that goes down !
If she asks you if you like him, say, well in view of him lying about being married & about knowing how to play Poker, You feel he needs prove himself trustworthy with her heart before she dives in the too deep

Can you suggest a practical route of safeguarding her property before he moves in? ie she see a solicitor to draw up a cohabitation agreement. It's a sensible suggestion regardless of what anyone else thinks about him, and something an honest partner would be happy to sign.
Otherwise any devious plans on his part would be thwarted & true colours shown before he could take advantage of her.

So he is pushing to move in because ‘they’ will be better off?

He means HE will be better off. Once he’s moved in he won’t be easy to get rid off.

I wouldn’t consider a middle aged man who has to borrow money off his girlfriend for an ‘emergency’ to be a worthwhile prospect.

Personally I think it is far too soon to move in together, but she is an adult.

Can you at least urge her to think seriously about how much he ought to contribute to a joint household - rent, utilities, council tax (she’ll lose her SPD!), toiletries, food… And have a written agreement.

Not having any savings is a red flag. The lying and hiding stuff like his previous marriage is also a red flag.

Why did his marriage break down? Has he dated any other women, and if so, what was the outcome? How long has he been in his job? What is the treatment of women like in the country his family live in?

@LargeChestofDrawers He doesn't like to talk about his marriage breakdown, he's from a Catholic country and there is a lot of shame around it. He's from the south of Italy, I know many years ago my Dad's cousin pulled out of a married to an Italian due to how she felt women were treated in that culture in Italy where he wanted to live but I think away from that culture things were fine, it was more she didn't want to live in Italy and this was the 1960's.

@Mix56 I think he does need to pay his fair share he was quite happy working part time but my sister did push him to take more hours so he could pay off his debt faster but there is probably little to stop him dropping hours once he gets his feet under the table.

@InjuryMyArse She isn't vulnerable but she does really, really want this relationship to work and so its possible she is glossing over any concerns. I think if it doesn't work out for whatever reason she'll be devastated she was crushed after the last guy.