Couples therapy

[Hopingagaistodda]

Both myself (M39) and my wife (36) are going through therapy individually. Mine largely to deal with my childhood issues and it is going well. Hers to manage anxiety and some other issues also supposedly going well. One thing my therapist has picked up on is the disconnect in my marriage, zero intimacy and feelings of loneliness on my part. There has been a lot of work on how and why I played a part in letting things get to where they are but ultimately it’s both of us. They have strongly suggested couples therapy (obviously not with them) and working on improving the marriage. My birthday is coming up and with DW asking what I want I have realised that a better marriage is all that’s on my list. How do I broach this subject without making her feel attacked or pressured. I really can’t say “my therapist says” but I did notice the shock on her face when I admitted it had been two years since we were last intimate.

I really can’t say “my therapist says”

why not?

“my therapist made the suggestion that…., what’s your thoughts?”

and forget the idea that this is some kind of silly birthday gift

Your therapist wasn’t shocked btw that you’d hadn’t had sex in 2 years

She will have heard much much much longer

I completely understand where you’re coming from, it can feel incredibly vulnerable to bring up intimacy and disconnection in a way that doesn’t feel like blame. One approach that has worked for couples I know is framing it around your shared goals rather than pointing fingers. For example, you might say something like, “I’ve been thinking about how we can grow closer and feel more connected. I’d love to explore that together.”

Sometimes, suggesting couples therapy in a gentle way helps. You could say, “I came across this local resource, the Center for Thriving Relationships, which offers couples sessions focused on rebuilding intimacy and communication. I think it could really help us strengthen our marriage, maybe we could click here to learn more together?” By presenting it as something you want to do together, it feels collaborative rather than critical.

In my own experience, couples therapy worked best when both partners felt they were actively participating, not being judged. Starting with curiosity, like asking her how she envisions a more connected marriage can make the conversation feel safe and constructive.