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Original poster

Is it weird that I am upset and disappointed?

12 replies

Annaj2025 · 15/10/2025 10:20

I know we have cost of leaving crisis and money are tight to most of us. We are a married couple, both working full time with two small kids and a mortgage. Husband earns more than 2 times than me and I have asked him whether he will buy me a bottle of perfumes and he said that he can't afford. I will add that we are both working full time, I am on small wage working from home and taking all the house work and kids duties on myself. Husband has a good job with good pay and works mainly from office. Husband pays all the bills and on top of this I am sending him 400 pounds per month from my wages. I pay kids aftershool swimming,and other stuff. I buy them clothes and make some food shopping in addition to his shopping, on top of this I pay for my petrol car insurance etc. I am not British so I or my parents pay for tickets to take kids to visit my family in Europe. My parents pay for additional children holidays in my country.Yesterday, I got really upset. My husband refuse to spend any money on me. I pay for hairdresser ( I go maybe twice a year), clothes and cosmetics. Husband literally doesn't have to spend a penny on me. I know he pays for mortgage and I appreciate that but he feels that he is making me a favour by not asking me to cover half of mortgage. I am really upset, I feel pathetic. I feel like he doesn't care about me at all.
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OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 15/10/2025 10:34

If you’re a family unit why aren’t you both paid into a joint account where all bills are paid from and then you’re both sent to your separate accounts the same amount of Pocket money to spend on what you like.

Bittenonce · 15/10/2025 11:16

DaisyChain505 · 15/10/2025 10:34

If you’re a family unit why aren’t you both paid into a joint account where all bills are paid from and then you’re both sent to your separate accounts the same amount of Pocket money to spend on what you like.

100% this.Right now it’s unequal, unhealthy, dependent. He’s got the power , he knows it and wants to keep it that way. So no, you’re not being weird. But he is. Something’s got to change.

SeaAndStars · 15/10/2025 11:17

Why isn't he helping with the domestic and childcare duties?
Why don't you have some money to call your own with which you can get your hair done and buy perfume?

All of this is wrong OP.

Sort it out with him.

DiscoBob · 15/10/2025 11:21

There needs to be a pot of money you both pay into, and you pay towards the bills in proportion to your wages. So he would pay double what you do as he gets paid double. Then after bills and essentials you split whatever is left as spending money for each of you.

You need to assert yourself and say this is the only fair way to divide family finances.

And childcare, cleaning, cooking etc should be spilt as well. Maybe you do slightly more if he works more hours.

Hoodedfinger · 15/10/2025 11:25

I think the price of perfume is ridiculous and can't see why anyone on an "ordinary" budget buys it, but apart from that, you need a shared household budget and some spending money of your own that is equal to what he has for himself. Or just shared money.

fishtank12345 · 15/10/2025 11:25

This isn't right at all. You have every right to be upset by this. He needs to pay to feed and clothe his own children too.

fishtank12345 · 15/10/2025 11:26

DiscoBob · 15/10/2025 11:21

There needs to be a pot of money you both pay into, and you pay towards the bills in proportion to your wages. So he would pay double what you do as he gets paid double. Then after bills and essentials you split whatever is left as spending money for each of you.

You need to assert yourself and say this is the only fair way to divide family finances.

And childcare, cleaning, cooking etc should be spilt as well. Maybe you do slightly more if he works more hours.

this

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2025 11:27

You're in a financially abusive relationship with him. He is using money to both control and wield power over you. I would also think he buys clothes and visits the barbers (and the likes of the dentist and optician) far more than you ever do.
Financially abusive men are also rarely solely financially abusive; how is he with you day to day?.

What is the situation re the bank accounts?. Is there a joint one or do you transfer the £400 into his account. I would be stopping that with immediate effect because that is making you go short as well. Do you know how much money he earns annually and the value of any savings/shares he has?. My guess is no.

I presume he is not doing his share of the domestic and childcare tasks because he sees that as your job. Such men do not change readily if at all and I would think he will bat away any suggestions of equal access to money saying it is already fair etc. To men like this, what is his is his and what is yours is partly his as well. There is no fairness but financial control.

Seek legal advice re divorce on the quiet and at the very least contact Womens Aid.

OriginalSkang · 15/10/2025 11:29

You need to see the accounts and where the money goes. Anything else is financial abuse

Coffeelovr · 15/10/2025 11:50

DiscoBob · 15/10/2025 11:21

There needs to be a pot of money you both pay into, and you pay towards the bills in proportion to your wages. So he would pay double what you do as he gets paid double. Then after bills and essentials you split whatever is left as spending money for each of you.

You need to assert yourself and say this is the only fair way to divide family finances.

And childcare, cleaning, cooking etc should be spilt as well. Maybe you do slightly more if he works more hours.

I don't understand people who do this. IMO once you're married, you should both have the same standard of living. All pay goes into a shared account, bills and expenses go out, savings if any, then you each get a monthly sum - the same for the both of you

NNforthispost · 15/10/2025 20:49

As PPs have said you need to split expenses in proportion to your wages. And regardless of CoL you each need access to money each money for personal costs. Even if it’s small because funds are tight. If our funds are tight and I wanted perfume I’d just get a bottle of something on offer, for maybe £20 or less. You can find something affordable. I’m sure you’re not asking for a bottle that costs over £100.

When you can split your costs so you each have something for yourself each month then you can decide what to spend it on and treat yourself.

Coffeelovr · 16/10/2025 09:33

NNforthispost · 15/10/2025 20:49

As PPs have said you need to split expenses in proportion to your wages. And regardless of CoL you each need access to money each money for personal costs. Even if it’s small because funds are tight. If our funds are tight and I wanted perfume I’d just get a bottle of something on offer, for maybe £20 or less. You can find something affordable. I’m sure you’re not asking for a bottle that costs over £100.

When you can split your costs so you each have something for yourself each month then you can decide what to spend it on and treat yourself.

Once you’re married, surely expenses should come from a shared pot. All income goes there and you take out an EQUAL amount for personal spending after expenses and savings (holidays, Christmas, long term etc)

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