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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Social services involvement

23 replies

SharpGreyMoose · 15/10/2025 08:12

I'm 4 weeks pp and my child's dad and I popped to the supermarket a few nights ago, we had a little argument and it got out of control as I believed he wasn't taking us home as he went down the motorway instead of the usual way, I messaged family who called police as they wasnt sure what was happening. The police have NFA it but alerted ss. I reported partner for something serious last year, but he changed, got help, and we got back together. The social worker came out and told me my child's father is to have no contact with my son, until they've done assessments and he's had mental health assessments, and she was very judgemental of him calling him controlling and coercive, although, this whole situation was blown out of proportion. I've been told we're not to see him, and there needs to be big changes before I can get back with him and if we do see him I'll have to choose between him and my son. He's always been good with my son, and now I'm struggling mentally, having to be away, which I don't mind as my sons priority, i just miss him, it's just hard being apart from him. Has anyone else been through this, and what was the outcome?

OP posts:

Yourcalllove · 15/10/2025 08:13

I am so relieved SS are involved
and long may that last

Pleasegetmeacoffeesotired · 15/10/2025 08:13

What was the "something serious" you reported him for?

Overthemhills · 15/10/2025 08:15

I haven’t OP but I’m glad you are prioritising your child. That’s what SS will want to see.
If you think back to that car journey you might remember that you were very frightened- scared enough to text family. He put you and your tiny son in a dangerous situation.
You haven’t said what his problems are - but to an outsider he sounds very dangerous.
Keep yourself busy and look after yourself.
Remember SS has your life and that of your son as its primary focus.

LuckyNumberFive · 15/10/2025 08:15

Sounds like a good thing social services are involved, someone needs to safeguard your son because your attitude towards your "partner" highlights that you aren't.

Jellybunny56 · 15/10/2025 08:16

I’m relieved SS are taking your child’s safety as you clearly are not. Please do cooperate with help and put your child first OP. The only “”acceptable” number of times to have to call the police on your partner is 0.

eish · 15/10/2025 08:16

Listen to SS, they are seeing something that you aren’t. They are there to protect your son, follow their guidance whilst they investigate. Your family must have been significantly concerned to call the police - they probably see the reality clearer than you do.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 15/10/2025 08:16

Hopefully the time away from him and the SS involvement will give you the time to realise he has not changed, he is acting that he has changed. That he probably is controlling and coercive but you don't see it. They may know more about him and his history than you do.

Where did you think he was taking you that you were that worried you called your family?

What did you report him for last year?

SS don't get involved for no reason.

Take their lead, do everything you have to do to keep your son safe and in your care. You will and are better off without him

blythet · 15/10/2025 08:17

The fact you panicked so much at him driving a different way and the conclusion you jumped too is a massive red flag.
if my DP drove a different direction than I was expecting I’d just ask him where we were going or why we were going this particular way.

did you ask him that or did you contact family before having the discussion?

also when you say he’s always been good with your son, is that the 4 week old or is there another?

Tubestrike · 15/10/2025 08:17

SS are looking out for the welfare of your child , his father doesn't exactly sound like a catch . What does 'got out of hand ' mean, how out of hand ?

tinybeautiful · 15/10/2025 08:17

Always good to hear that the system is working as it should. So glad SS are involved. Be aware that if you choose to protect this man who you have proven to be dangerous, then you will lose your son.

MsPavlichenko · 15/10/2025 08:19

If you don’t start to take this as seriously as SS clearly do the outcome will be you lose your DC.

You need to end this relationship properly, and get the help you need. If you’re not already in touch with WA then get in touch now. Do the Freedom Programme to help you recognise your abuser. It will help you both now, and going forward. All of this will distract you from missing him, as will planning a new life with your DC.

InAHammock · 15/10/2025 08:20

You thought he wasn’t taking you and your newborn home. You were worried enough to message your family. Your family were concerned enough to contact the police. The police were concerned enough to contact SS. SS say he’s ’controlling and coercive’ and say you can’t see him. You’d previously reported your baby’s father for ‘something serious’ last year, but got back together and got pregnant by him.

Which is more likely — that your family, the police and SS are all overreacting to a non-event, or that you have remarkably poor judgement and can’t grasp that you’re endangering yourself and your newborn?

Starlight7080 · 15/10/2025 08:20

Go along with ss they can see things clearly and I suspect you cant.
Its sounds like you have been through alot recently and need help.
When they say if you pick him they will remove your child then do believe them. It happened to my sil and she to this day picks the useless man she decided she couldn't live without.
Police are called regularly as they have a lot of arguments. But the next day they pretend its normal and fine and was just a tiny disagreement. Its a mad life to live.

HelloGreen · 15/10/2025 08:26

If my partner drove down the wrong road there’s no part of me that would panic, because they’ve never given me cause not to trust them.

You don’t trust him and there’s a reason you don’t.

Inmyhouse · 15/10/2025 08:31

I have a friend who has had SS involved 3 times, the first she reported her then partner (now her ex) 5 years ago when pregnant, police always refer to SS when children are involved, always. The outcome of that was nothing, the 2nd time last year he went to her home after they spilt, causing problems, police were called by neighbours - again nothing, and the third was last month when she reported him for post separation abuse, this time she was told one more report and they will go for assessments.

The point I'm making here, is whatever you reported him for last year, it must have been a huge concern for them, did you notify them that you were getting back together?

I'm curious as to what you told your family for them to call the police? Surely a text saying "xxx has taken a wrong turn" wouldn't have lead to them calling the police - there's obviously more at play here.

My advice to you would be the same to my friend, work with them be honest and don't assume they are against you.
Good luck

ForCraftyWriter · 15/10/2025 08:34

@SharpGreyMoose please realise that SS mean what they say. If you have contact with him in any way that they have forbidden you have a serious risk of losing your children. You may be able to work through this as a family and come out the other side but you’ll need to grit your teeth and have immense patience and determination, as will he.

Ilady · 15/10/2025 08:59

My feeling is that your family, the police and social services can see that there are problems with your partner and your current relationship. The police called ss because of what happened in the car. Ss have told you that your not to have contact with your partner.

At this stage you need to do what they say as they could take your baby off you. You may think this is unfair and that your partner can do no wrong. The reality is that this is the 2 Nd time he has been reported probably in less than 2 year's. You forgave him in the past and had a baby with him then.

You need to consider your own safety and your child's safety. You also need to consider the life you can give your child as they grow up. No child deserves to grow up in a family with verbal abuse, physical abuse or financial abuse.
In your situation I would do the freedom programme to help you spot the red flags and to learn how avoid them with future partners.

CameForAVacationStayedForTheRevolution · 15/10/2025 09:03

A friend of mine was in a similar situation and her partner at the time was physical though. Social services never allowed him to see his kids again. He was prosecuted for assault and went to prison. She’s had no contact with him since.

LIZS · 15/10/2025 09:17

You would not have called from the car if you had not felt he was abusing you and in turn your baby and were scared. Family reacted to this and, with your history and own observations, took it seriously enough to report him. You are minimising his behaviour and need support to deal with it. Please listen to SS, they don’t make such recommendations lightly. Do you have support with the baby other than your p? Has he distanced you from your family?

TheBlueHotel · 15/10/2025 09:19

You're hugely minimising his behaviour and the risks and you need to take a hard look at what's really going on

Original poster

SharpGreyMoose · 15/10/2025 09:28

Thankyou all. I've read all comments and you are right. I need to stop grieving what our family 'should have been' and focus on what it is.

OP posts:

CorgiOctopus · 15/10/2025 09:33

If the situation is redeemable, then he needs to participate in the work and prove that he’s safe. Then you will probably be allowed contact again by the sounds of it.

If he can’t/won’t, then you have to question whether your son and you are his priority. And whether this is someone you want to be in a relationship with.

It’s not easy to see things written that you disagree with. Assessments are not always written well or accurately, but there is likely at least a grain of truth.

You need to both participate and everything and if people are wrong about the situation, demonstrate it.

Buscake · 15/10/2025 10:00

Listen to social services and follow their advice. They can see the situation without any fog and I am grateful for you and the child’s sake that they have been so clear about the danger you are all in from him.

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