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Relationships

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Original poster

DH has just said he doesn’t trust me, what now?

12 replies

Eloise3 · 15/10/2025 00:16

A few years ago DH took cocaine over a few weekends, he was having a breakdown then just sorted it out and stopped. At the time, I told his Mother about it as I was so worried as she’s always open to talk. She spoke to him and everything turned out fine. During one of his binges at the time I had threatened to call the police on him. I wasn’t going to - I was just so angry. But we moved on and things have been fine. However, tonight we were chatting about the past and he said he didn’t fully trust me, not in terms of cheating, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. He mentioned the occasions I mentioned above and said speaking to his mum / also threatening to call police on him meant he didn’t fully trust me, like I don’t have his back.
I was gobsmacked because I’ve had his back and always think of him. I always normally keep our relationship private but that one time I felt I needed to tell her. I just feel rubbish inside now, like how can we move on and be happy, knowing this now? I really don’t want to split but how can we stay together if he doesn’t trust me? Any advice?

OP posts:

Takenoprisoner · 15/10/2025 00:28

look up DARVO. He has reversed things so now you're the abuser. He's the victim. Leave him, he is absolutely not worth your time, or you having his back. He should be abject with gratitude to you for sticking by him during his drug binges, and needs to be making amends for putting you through that. instead he doesn't trust you. Good God, I've heard it all now.

FairKoala · 15/10/2025 00:36

Well if he doesn’t trust you then divorce is the next step.

Take control. He is expecting you will do anything to earn his trust back so take away his control.

Honestly if he doesn’t trust you then there really isn’t any point anymore. Might as well bring this sorry mess to an end then he can do whatever without mummy finding out.

Japanesejazz · 15/10/2025 00:37

He needs to leave

Thatsalineallright · 15/10/2025 00:42

He is the one in the wrong. You were simply reacting as best you could to an untenable situation - your DH turned into a drug addict! He should be grateful you didn't leave him.

Tbh I'm surprised you can trust him after what he put you through.

WaryHiker · 15/10/2025 00:45

Tell him that you will never fully trust him again either. His response to whatever was going on in his life was to take an illegal substance that could easily have brought drug dealers to your door and certainly put you through hell while you were dealing with him.

You realise that his first reaction to stress will never be to think about you but to act selfishly and recklessly and then blame you for doing what you needed to do.

You've managed come to terms with that and forgive him, but his attitude now is a massive turn off and you'd like him to leave until he can learn to respect you and apologise properly for what put you through.

mummytrex · 15/10/2025 00:47

Takenoprisoner · 15/10/2025 00:28

100% this. Honestly his rewriting of history and attempting to have me kn the back foot like this would have me out of the door. Utterly disgusting.

mummytrex · 15/10/2025 00:48

attempting to have you on the back foot

Lavender14 · 15/10/2025 00:49

Takenoprisoner · 15/10/2025 00:28

All of the above.

I'd actually query if he's doing the same again and is trying to put you on the back foot.

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 15/10/2025 01:47

Lavender14 · 15/10/2025 00:49

All of the above.

I'd actually query if he's doing the same again and is trying to put you on the back foot.

Show quote history

I would also be wondering if he actually did just stop taking cocaine.
It sounds very much as though the " not trusting you" stems from him strongly suspecting that if you found out that he still was you would take action that he wouldn't like.

NuffSaidSam · 15/10/2025 01:50

Do you trust him?

You'd be an idiot if you do given his previous behaviour.

I think trust being damaged after something like this is quite normal. It takes time to build it up again.

Starlight7080 · 15/10/2025 02:16

Wow well I hope you replied with what the hell did he expect when he was sticking crap up his nose. Maybe tell him you didnt sign up to marry someone who turns to drugs .
Ask him what he expected you to do .
What a nasty way to control you and make you feel guilty for his behaviour

RawBloomers · 15/10/2025 02:59

It's worrying that he seems to think that having his back means letting him do whatever he chooses to regardless of what that might mean - for you or him.

Also worrying that he told you - what did he want out of that? Is he trying to throw you off balance about something else? Did he show any insight into the situation he put you in, and how you must have been feeling? Or was it all a bit Main Character Syndrome, where you are just a bit player in the story of his life and this, effectively, was a sort of complaint that you didn't let him drive the storyline, despite his version being tragic?

I can see why you're wondering about how you can continue. You obviously have very different feelings about that point in your lives and it gives pause for the thought.

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