Ruined a friendship with a guy

[Sparkles1981]

Need some advice please.

I've been friends with a guy through a hobby group for a few years, mostly online as we were added to the same whatsapp group.
He's been living abroad but came home last Xmas & we met up as a group. Flirting but nothing happened, he went back abroad & the flirting continued online, we said we'd meet up for a casual fling once he's back in summer, before he moves abroad again.

I got emotionally attached to this guy, he makes me laugh but hes not consistent with messaging & the group can get quite laddish. He also went from being very active on my social media to stopping even watching my stories 6 months ago.

He's been back a couple of months, busy sorting work out etc but asked to meet up. We changed dates a couple of times because of his work, all fine but he left my last message unread /delivered for almost a week despite being active in the group chat we share and it got to me. I know Im more emotionally invested than him.
I sent him a message saying as hes left me unread for a week at that point I dont think the level of respect is there for us to meet up by ourselves but happy to still meet as a group.

He went mad at this, told me hes got a lot going on and then promptly left the group chat we are part of and won't return.

I realise this sounds immature but im hurt as I thought we were friends and its made it awkward for others in the group. I also keep swaying between whether im acting needy & self sabotaging or not. My confidence has really been dented in recent years and i dont trust my judgement in that respect.

Any advice please? Im mostly annoyed that my behaviour seems to cost a friendship. Ive reached out once since to say its a shame about the group chat but he won't respond to me.

You're best off out of it.

Did you come across as a bit needy, yes. But he's also been stringing you along a bit.

Just throw this one away and move on.

Thanks im just annoyed the impact its had on our friends group by him leaving in a huff. Sounds silly !

He sounds really hard work, I doubt you’ll be worse off as a group without him.

He wasn't interested to the same level op, so let him go and stop imagining something that never got off the ground, because it's only you that behaviour is hurting, not him.

the question is do you fancy him?

Advice is ignore him and move on

I needed to hear this you are right thank you

Yeah unfortunately

You're not friends, you've got romantic feelings for him and you're using "friendship" as a means to start a romantic relationship he doesn't want. You pushed too hard and then got mad because he's not into you and he's out.

How do you prevent this?

Be honest about your feelings. When the feelings aren't returned, stop. Accept being shut down, no one is obliged to have sex with you.

That is completely wrong. He pushed to meet up just us, not me. He always started the sexual talk and flirting not me. I pushed back when I felt the respect had gone. Of course I know that no one is obliged to offer sex. What a weird interpretation

I don’t like the sound of his response , sounds immature, he could have just apologised instead of throwing his toys out the pram , reckon you are better off without him . Also - you have not done anything wrong , you have not made him leave the grp - that was his choice

Hi @Sparkles1981
This sounds like "manbaby" behaviour and disrespect (leaving you unread says you are not a priority to him). Well done on calling him out on it. You are seeing his true colours.

When someone shows you what they think of you with behaviour, believe that (not their words).

It sucks and it may hurt but his behaviour is both immature and disrespectful. Neither of those things are a catch. Throw this one back as they say on this forum and hold your head up. Remember, you have done nothing wrong. He treated you in an aloof manner and has flounced out the group. That is a him problem.

He sounds like a knob. Best off you never got round to meeting up.

Hes behaved badly and you are best out of this.

He flounced out of the group because you called him out on his bullshit behaviour. He knew exactly what he was doing leaving your messages unread - but him suggesting meeting up etc - he was keeping you dangling with breadcrumbs and thinking he would get away with it (and possibly he might actually have also been thinking sex if and when he was in the mood). **

** However because he was not as invested in the potential romance as you were, he was putting in bare minimum effort.

When you called him out he could have just carried on in the group ..... but he obviously detested a woman actually calling him out on his breadcrumb behaviour, and has had a stupid hissy fit !!!

When you said he wasn't consistent with messaging and had stopped watching your stories 6 months ago, I thought you were the one chasing contact, sorry about that.

But he's pushed to have sex and you have romantic feelings for him. You haven't ruined a friendship because that wasn't a friendship.

I still think sending the message getting mad over him leaving you unread was unnecessary. Run silent when they do. Match their energy.

Steer clear. He just wants you as a comfort woman while he is away from home. Without a doubt he will turn up at the group and try and start up booty calls with you. Are you sure he is single and can mingle.