narcissistic female friend in close group of women friends, how do I handle her without leaving the group

[NameChangedandsad]

This is a group I have invested in time and effort to build for the past 5 years, I lost out on a previous group before that, leaving it because one or two people were pushy. I dont want to leave or avoid the group as a whole , as there are one or two whom I like, plus there is a despairing sense this time of feeling shame for wanting to just run and hide everytime we come across a relentless narc, in friend circles or elsewhere.

She is very pushy, every event becomes about her or promoting her own interests. She lies or bluffs incessantly like narcs do, to make her contributions seem immense, when actually she does very little for the group. But is always using it in reality to build her profile, brand. This latest event we are now planning has become all about her DC though we have a 100 other people coming expecting a good time.

I am getting very tired, and run down. I dread her calls and prefer to keep things written with others around too when I can . I dont believe anything she says even though all the lies and stories are petty and tiny, the volume and the inaneness of it , staggers me. I mean its not like she is doing all this to survive or get food on the table for her family if you see what I mean.

There are a few girls in the group who's time I enjoy, but I have no idea how they feel about the narc. I am scared to ask, at times they seem to hero worship her as a natural leader, I feel like only I can see the reality. But I don't want to voice anything to them,lest I spoil what I have with them. When she isnt around, I have a good time with some of them. But its very rare we would form a plan without extending the invite to all on the group, and she is always there

I know this seems so trite, but I have longed for so long now and so hard , for genuine female friendships and I am so tired when this happens .....the phone call she made to me yesterday, i felt like I agreed (natural empath and people pleaser, or maybe just straight up weak and avoidant of conflict) to a list of things for her that I did not actually want to do for her, she doesnt even ask , she just says we will do this then , I will use your resources ie.

I wouldn't answer her calls. I'd say everything had to be sent via the group WhatsApp. She sounds horrible but I'm not sure the others sound much better! What would happen to the event if you pulled back?

Yeah, that sounds exhausting.

Stop catering for her, she will eventually go to someone else for the attentional needs. I know it sounds harsh having to do that, but you need to let go of someone like that so that you can start to enjoy the whole group. She is controlling you and she is not even aware of it, because you let her unconsciously.
I have a sister like that, I felt like I was reading my own post about her, so I get it. It took me years and many, many heartaches to finally just give her the bare minimum of me, and our relationship ticks along.

Its so daunting when someone is trying to me so "intimidating, but are in theory just louder than necessary, so make her demands on you redundant, you do not own her your time, and the only person you can change here is how you react to her. And not I would not say anything to the group, unless she becomes irrationally horrid, and yes if the group needs to be in contact for something, do it only via email. that way you have a trail, and cc everyone in it if possible. So its not going to be hidden from anyone within the group.

A narc or someone who displays egocentric tactics is never going to see it as their issue, it will always be everyone else, and they will turn things round on you and be the victim, always, no proof is ever going to change that, ever.

And if she calls, tell her to email, over and over again till she gets it.

Update from me , I pulled back from the event I was planning with her and it did not ultimately go ahead as she did not take it forward then

I avoided another event nearer to Xmas with her

So have had some peace and quiet, trying to go low profile with her , without completing losing out on other friendships in the circle. One of the other ladies now knows I feel this way, but don't think she feels there is anything she can do or needs to do (fair enough, as she pointed out this person has been very respectful of boundaries with her , your see, so I am one of a few chosen ones I guess, I have to find a solution on my own)

Now I find out that she has been planning my surprise birthday party (the bully has I mean) with four others, the plan appears to be that they are planning to come over Saturday (my birthday is Sunday but they know I have plans with family Sunday).....to my home with a cake and present and take photos

She has instructed everyone to not tip me off - which means I may have been in my ratty nightgown with the house a mess...luckily I found out due to her snooping to check I was at home on saturday (her H got confirmation from my H with a promise not to tip me off that I was in on saturday....

I am not happy with this plan, please don't advise to say I should be grateful. I have not been up to cleaning or tidying at home for various reasons and no one else has hosted a do at home for their birthday - what we did for hers was meet at the mall, and do her cake cutting, tiara, pressie at a coffee shop and she treated us to coffee - she also looked annoyed and said do we now have to do this for all ten people in our group, that is 10 cakes we need to buy a year and I pointed out well yeah but we only had to pitch in a fiver each to cover everything

I am not even sure I want her in my home actually , I have not gotten past last october - I pinged on the group to say can we meet for lunch on saturday, I would like to take you all out to lunch for my birthday, I do not want to host anything at home as it is too much work (I was ready to foot the lunch bill in return for them planning the cake and presumably a gift)

She replied before any of the others could to say saturday does not work for her (but she was planning to come home saturday) but sunday does. When she knows i am out with family on sunday. Any advice pls?

I do not think I posted what I feel accurately but I am already in an unhappy marriage and planning to leave and posting here NCed , about that - I cannot deal with this right now

Worth mentioning we have been making plans for everyone's birthday in a similar fashion in our group since last year so I was expecting to hear from them but it is usually a call to the coffee shop at the mall to give cake and pressie , sometimes tiara and photo session - but it is usually never done by surprise or by dropping in at the birthday girl's home

Further context is she tries to get my home sorted as our base for meeting as a group sometimes as my house is the biggest and I used to be more open doors and a warm host before I realised I was stuck with sorting snacks and drinks and the tidying up and washing more than others were so I changed policy on that

Message back to say ‘so sorry you can’t make my birthday celebration, narc friend. See you soon.’ And then enjoy the lunch on the Saturday.

Literally this never even occurred to me - our group dynamic has gotten toxic where her diary rules - her diary is also made up to look busier than any of us

One other person I used to like has already exited due to this dynamic and her dictatorship, but for various reasons this has become personal to me to stay and solve this somehow - I literally have not been able to sustain so many groups due to leaving because of one narc or bully when I liked others on there

Take yourself out for lunch and a nice long walk for your birthday. Just don't be there.

She's only going to stop controlling you when you stop being controlled.

Thank you - I was worried I would get 'why is this a big deal' responses, and I know it should not be , I need to stop giving into narcs and bullies !!!! I think it is like going to the gym , the muscle needs practice to get stronger

How old are you all?
I don't enjoy or seek out 'group' friendships. I don't think they work well for this exact reason. What are you supposed to do if you dislike someone who is liked by the others? The dynamics are a mess.
Personally regarding this weekend I would message a couple in the group who you trust saying you've guessed the plan from something your DH said and you absolutely don't want this so can they make sure they back you up. Then make social arrangements in future in twos or threes with the ones you like.

Please do this. She isn’t the boss of you or of your home. I am really sympathetic because I’m also in a friendship group with 1 toxic narcissist self-promoter and because I’ve set up some boundaries she has targeted me. Which actually has triggered others to privately confess how much they don’t like her. We now have a smaller side group who meet together without her sometimes. So please don’t be afraid to place a few boundaries- you have enough going on without being bullied by this silly woman.

Thanks @ShawnaMacallister and @Sc00byDont

We are all in our 40s

I have reached out to one of the others now to say, I guessed the surprise plan and would prefer meeting outside as usual at the mall, happy to buy lunch, (as it is a small group) but that I am not keen on having to clean and having to sort out the home to have them over tomorrow

I am being targetted to as I was my usual teddy bear self originally and then have started trying to set boundaries - I don't see any of the others as bullying or narc, but they don't seem to stand up for others who are being targeted either (maybe they have suggested the mall and she overrode them with this surprise drop in at home). So exhausting when that one person in the group is like this, this does need a longer solution , having to get the group to change dynamics if more feel the same way ....or leave the group :-( gradually which I guess is what I was doing in some ways

Update

She called H and told him they are coming at 5pm, he inadvertently blabbed it as part of another argument (how I was ungrateful , to him , to female friends etc..)

I called her as well as put a message on the group to say have guessed the surprise plan , again reiterating house is not sorted , please lets meet at mall instead

She called up sheepishly, mall was fine and the two girls who had their birthdays in December we were also cake cutting for them - then why my house and not one of their's I wondered??? she seemed offended I was saying mall as I was too busy to sort my home to host , like she was my best friend or something, she literally only moved into the community in 2023 !!!!!

Told her H had no time to clean and sort snacks and drink and he had passed that over to me