Just so depressed…

[Mummy289]

I dont know if im depressed or what. Well I am depressed, I cant work because of childrens needs. I spend all my years making sure everyone else is happy (lived with grandparent as a child and it was all about their needs). My mum has schiphrenia so all my life have had to be there for her, ignore the unkindness she accidently shows she drinks to, I’m the adult and always having to think of her feelings. Me and my partner been together since I literally turned 17. Now 40. have 4 kids with special needs I’m am emotionally drained like I can’t look after no one else my emotions I have swallowed for years and it’s all bubbling. My husband is extremely needy, his a great dad, he will do things around the house he does washing, cooking etc. Not lazy at all. However emotionally he needs a lot from me. We spoke about this and all seemed good. I have been very down again this week. He has no friends and he needs me, and I can’t do it. I can’t do what I need. I really want some one who is going to be strong for me I don’t feel like I can be strong for the both of us anymore. I don’t think I love him, his so easily upset all the time (emotionally) and it leaves me feeling awful about myself. I feel so lost. I’m so down.

Just as a example now I don’t know if it’s me.
Tuesday is the only day I get to myself, I mean from 12-3, he works from home. He has his lunch 1-2. His come down and sat there his just sat there done nothing, didn’t watch anything on tv just sat there. I played games on my phone and fell asleep. I hear
the door slam and him walk off. I ask if his ok
he says yes he needs fresh air so goes out the garden. Comes back. Later I text and say are you ok, he says (because last week I said I needed space) that he is worried I needed more space so when sitting there felt he shouldn’t be in the living room, when I meant space I meant us doing different things I don’t expect him to leave the house he knows this. In my eyes we did have space as we were doing different things. I feel his doing this to make me feel bad I don’t think he was worried about me having space I think he wanted attention…. Last night we had sex he wasn’t worried about me needing time yet today when I’m sitting on my phone and having a nap his worried his not giving me space?? I don’t know.

Lots of hugs from me OP.

Its so hard to suddenly want to make yourself priority when all you have ever done is be there for everyone else, and the codependency that comes with scenarios like yours feels like identity because you were forced into it to start with within your family dynamic, so suddenly wanting to have a little breathing room for you may look like withdrawal to your DP, and those who have had you right where they need you all their lives, and it may send them into a bit of panic, what does she mean she needs breathing space?

Sounds like you are heading towards a burnout from all the demand. And from not having had your needs met emotionally, or generally. Putting "space into practice after voicing it to DP, or DC is tricky, what does that look like to you, and how can that be expressed without everyone going into panic?

You are having normal reactions from abnormal demand as a child, teen and now adult. And now that you feel you are spiralling into depression it's your mind saying you need time out, recharge and less unnecessary demand.

With your DP working from home, you are probably around each other all the time, then the children, and so life must feel like its caving in on you seeing you are unable to just go and recharge somewhere, like go for a walk, go for a coffee, or do whatever it is you need to recharge, yet your DP is not comfortable with it and by the sounds of it he gets anxious. He needs to work on that, its not your issue, its his. And in all honesty it sounds borderline abusive without him realising, or you.

Sustaining this setup is going to get you depressed and or sad.

I am not sure what kind of needs your DC have, or how old they are.

What would you like to do about things if there was no hurdle?

@TheAvidWriter thats the problem I have totally lost who I am. I don’t know what I would do im so bored. Sounds awful im so bored at home, so anxious to out 😂.
I think I would like a job carer again I’m stuck on what I would do, how it would fit about children. Absolutely feel no good at anything but want the kick you get when you meet new people.
4 kids with asd/adhd/ld. One gets restbite hours from social services one at pre school and gay extra hours because I get carers allowance.
im constantly feeling guilty I feel guilty as I know im not hear mentally as much as I need to be but im also so frustrated . He can’t do anything on his own. 🤦🏼‍♀️. I feel annoyed as his ruined the couple of hours I had today and I know it’s because I’m to soft too. He turns it around and makes me feel like I’m being abusive I swear. As if I would be saying he can’t be in his own living room. I have no one and don’t even trust him.

I just feel like a failure… I’m up and down but I’m detaching my self I can feel it. I don’t think I want to be with him but don’t think I want anyone. I can’t see anything I like in him but can’t see anything I like in anyone 😂. I want someone to make me laugh and I have always been the one making him laugh. He doesn't make me happy at all but I don’t know if that’s because of me as I can’t see anyone making me happy.

Op you are not a failure. I was you not that many years ago.

I too was had to be there for my mum, emotionally and I wasnt even that old, think I was really young when I understood my role within the family, I was probably around 5.

You are capable of more than you realise. Looking after DC who have challenges in life is so rewarding, and I bet you have learnt millions of things most people would never get, like having to read DC when they are in a meltdown. To navigate the outside world as its seen by your DC, and then over explain behavior most parents frown upon, or turn their nose at, "I would never do that etc comments, I had them and still have them as an adult that is also ADHD.

I bet you wake up tired, worn out, and like you said, generally bored. Because your batteries for self catering are running on zero. And has been for so long you have, like you said, for gotten who you are.

It takes time to get to know you after having been on 100 miles an hour for years, you know the role of being a mum, partner and caterer, but you dont know who you are, and it feels super weird to suddenly go "erm, I need time for me. Like what? But who is going to to this, that and the other?

They need you, and that is that, so you continue on autopilot till your mind says nope. And by the sounds of things that is happening right now.

Its wake up time for you, and you deserve life that is for you. Not the kids, not the partner, but you. And no guilt over that is going to serve you, it will just make you dip into that codependency role and you, one day, will wake up at the age of 60 and think, my kids are grown, and moved out, my hubby has a hobby, and what do I do now?

You dont need permission to have a life outside the family dynamic, its healthy to want something for you, really sodding good, and it takes a whole lot of courage to get on here to voice your needs, so well done. No need to feel guilty for wanting to put yourself first too, and I am sure there are many on MN who will second that. You are entitled to your own needs too. :)

Your post resonated with me. I was also brought up by grandparents and have a schizophrenic mother. I’ve had relationship problems all my life and feel I have to be there for everyone and rarely get the support I need for myself. Sometimes being the strong one is just too much.

@thebluehen wow, sometimes I feel alone for having that kinda set up anD the world doesn’t understand what its like having a mum like that. Because it’s so up and down, sometimes they will talk to you as they love you so much, the next time calling ya ugly or against them and screaming at you. All while knowing it’s not their fault. Even with her I have a large amount of guilt as I want to
do more to help but she upsets me and always throws it in my face and then we go back to the kind she just wants to talk to me
person. She has no friends or family.

I’ve never met anyone in my position. Like your mother, mine has no friends. I’m her only family. She is actually really horrible and unpleasant but she has no one else and it’s not her fault. Sometimes I just can’t answer the phone to her as she’s so draining. She’s very paranoid but seems to take advice from random strangers than me. She treats me very badly but I can’t go no contact and abandon her. People don’t understand the dynamics and are either overly sympathetic to her and forget about me or tell me to go no contact. My self esteem is terrible and I have no doubt it’s a lifetime of her influence.

@thebluehen im so sorry to hear that. My mum under all the mental health is nice person but she doesn’t listen to me at all. I can’t rely on her at all. And sometimes it hits me I have never had anyone that I can that will take life strain.
For a while as a child 4-5 I lived with my mum and dad and she tried to commit suicide while I was in the house, would get angry and hit me and then sad because she lost her temper. I really feel isolated as no one understands. So I'm sending you hugs 🤗. Im
the same with the calls but then I feel
bad for not answering. I feel all my
live I have just felt bad. I have only ever wanted constancy but now I have had years of consistency tbh I want someone that will make me feel alive. I want my spark back 😂.

I do feel I don’t really know normal relationships. My Dad died when I was 3, hence why grandparents stood in. But my grandfather was also suffering with bad mental health and not very pleasant.

I left my partner last year. He was (is) controlling and I still haven’t really escaped his grasp. I know I’m trauma bonded.

we just want to be cared for a little bit don’t we? Just someone to take the weight of life, just sometimes. I don’t need anyone but I would really love to have the kind of support that others seem to take for granted.

@thebluehen like you don’t need anyone but some one to be strong enough to take the burden sometimes.
My dad just didn’t bother, after 5, went and lived with a new partner, he had a new family now but he won’t let me be part of it. Never said why… I’m guessing they don’t know about me (I’m 40 and he has a 10 year old child). However thats added to me feeling even more rejected 😂. I feel a mess 😂😂.
my nan was very controlling and can see now emotionally was.

That sounds very difficult for you. The one thing I do know is that neither of us have done anything wrong at all. We were innocent victims. And yet the sense of loss I feel at not having a "family" is huge and has greatly affected my life and my decisions. I have had quite a bit of counselling and I do know where all my feelings and emotions stem from, but they are very powerful and strong and I find it difficult to let go of things that really aren't that good for me. I learnt that unhealthy relationships are better than none. When all I had was my very sick, very emotionally volatile Mother, I clung onto her - I think this is what I have done in my other relationships too.