I feel silly to be posting, as I am sure this question has already been asked and solved. But somehow, I feel constantly rumminating about it, and wondering whether I am in fact being ridiculous and unreasonable.
When I fell pregant with my daughter I was unmarried. I was in my late 20s, a West European immigrant. Educated to degree level. Fluent in English.
My MIL for the next 10 years offered advice, and material and financial help. Very materially and time generous. At the same time, every aspect of my life was open or her to have an opinion (Parenting, my name, my weight, my cooking, my job, my marital relationship - intermittent drip advising I should divorce my husband (her son) as in her view he was abusive, and I was therefore not protecting my daughter). My husband is not abusive, or clarity. A lot of the advice was unsolicited. It could be viewed as intrusive, mean and belittling. But at the same time, if gently pointed out, she could plausibly claim that "it was joke", "I was oversensitive", "that's not what happened" "I should et a sense of humour"
My husband and I decided to have a second baby. There is a big age gap. We are very happy to have both our children.
Due to the level of coldness and indierence at the birth and first months after my second child's birth, I started to share less and less about my life.
She sent a very touching message at Christmas saying how she respected my decision of not "liking to be questioned" by her and her husband, but they would be super happy to hear "about our future plans and hopes and dreams"
I believed this. Again, I thought, maybe I was, really, too sensitive.
During Easter, I shared about a new business I started and it was described as "that thing with tables and chairs", my nine year old daughter was told that "her baby brother was an ugly baby and now an ugly toddler, her father was an ugly child and ugly man, she was just getting out of the ugly pugly phase and I looked weird in pictures". She told her she may speak many languaes but spell in none - and said this publicly to other adults. Sent a message telling my husband and me that we should share our news now that we had said there were some to share, as she had had a "bad night worrying" about what it could be whether I was pregnant or mybe my husband's medical problem (I was not pregnant but felt that any potential pregnancy would be viewed as a source of grief, like an illness)This all within the context of everyone else (including
them) being joyful about the birth of another baby in the family (as we were)
She apologised by saying "she was sorry she had upset us".
During summer, the comment about my daughter not being able to spell was repeated, again, in front of other adults. She was told that her baby cousin "would grow beautiful and loing to dogs" (My dauhter is not very keen on dogs)
I had retreated into not telling anyhting. She knew we were going on holiday. My husband sent a beautiul picture with blue skies (she had asked if we had returned) and her reply was "had any rain?". Asked me about the holiday in terms of rain again, then "many tourists?" Answer: no. Then "oh no tourists because it is so expensive?" Answer: no. All negative comments. My husband and I don't have much time together, and we had been lookin orward to this holiday, which she knew.
Asked about my toddler, I started givin a brief answer as to not be rude. She interrupted me and started talking about the impact of dog urine on her garden, followed by " what were you saying?"
Am I crazy in thinking this is not natural behaviour? Am I unreasonable? These re only a ew incidents.
Sometimes I think I am unreasonable and ungrateful because she does something beautiful. And then, she says one of these hurtful things.
Am I imagining these slights, where there are none?
I am taking medication to control feeelings of rage. But today I just want to cry.
Thank you for reading this far.