Can't stop thinking about first love

[Lobster16]

Ok, so this is a long story but I'll try and keep it as short as I can!

Basically, I met my first love at 15 and I was besotted with him from the minute I saw him. He was my first everything (if you know what I mean). We saw each other casually until I was 17, when we finally got together (he was 18) I fell pregnant very quickly but we were both so young, that we chose not to keep the baby, something we both regret still and have spoken about.

We were together about 9 months when he ended things with me and it completely broke my heart because I was so in love with him. I moved on (rebound) very quickly in to a really toxic relationship and had 2 children but ultimately, that ended after 5 years too long.

During that relationship, I never stopped thinking of my ex and one day, he reached out to me over social media and it (not proud of this) began a year long emotional affair (more like a secret relationship), that did end in a physical affair. I split with my then partner a couple of months later and continued speaking to and seeing my ex, though we both knew it wouldn't be a relationship and I was ok with that.

Then, I met my now Fiancé a month or so later and it was love at first sight. I adore him and him me and although we haven't had the easiest relationship for lots of reasons, we have now been together nearly 13 years, have 2 children together and are finally due to get married next year.

During that time, I have spoken to my ex on and off and there have been incidences when it has been more than friends (he told me he will always love me and I agreed I felt the same) but we have also gone long periods of time not talking, because my partner asked me to cut contact, which I did.

However, this is where is gets tricky and please no judgement! My partner has/had a s**ual fantasy about me being with my ex and it has led to us exploring that with my ex, twice. The most recent time being a few weeks ago, because I have just lost my Dad and my partner allowed me to go and see my ex to get away from things. The intention was just to hang out and take my mind off things but it did ultimately lead to more.

I stupidly told my ex I loved him while there and he said he loved me too (my partner does not know this but he does know how I feel)

Since then though, my partner now wants me to cut all contact, for good. Which I have done but I just can't stop thinking about my ex and I don't know how to move past it.

I love my partner and I can't imagine not being with him but I also still love my ex and I don't know if I can NEVER speak to him again.

I also know that being in a relationship with him probably wouldn't work and we have talked about it previously but there is so much love still there. There is clearly a reason why, after 21 years, we keep coming back to each other.

My ex has had 2 relationships since and had children too but has never fully settled down and has been single now for a really long time. He tells me I am always on his mind, sends me love songs etc but he has never been good at expressing his emotions/feelings and I wonder if that is part of the problem. That maybe he does want those things with me but for whatever reason, just can't commit?

Or maybe I'm delusional and he's just not the relationship kind and I'm making this up in my own head?

The reason I'm writing this now, is because I have just had a message from him this morning, on the one platform I had forgotten to block him on and it's as if he knows when I'm thinking about him and vice versa. I haven't opened or responded but I want to, so badly.

I haven't told my partner because then I know I'll have to block him on that too and then that really will be it, which I know isn't right but it's really not a nice way to feel.

I just don't know how to get him out of my head and move on without him always lingering there? It's been 21 years and it's never gone away, despite not talking/seeing each other but everytime we do, it's as if no time has passed and it's wonderful.

I have made peace with the fact I'll always love him but I just want to understand why it is the way it is and how to move past it without it being there for the rest of my life. It's not a nice way to feel and if I could choose it to not be there, I would.

I have other ex's who I don't even think about or feel a single thing for but this one, this is different. I think maybe he's my soulmate and that's why we can't let each other go?

So sorry for my rambling on but I've never spoken about this to anyone but my ex and my partner and I feel like I need some outside advice to give me a slap or something!

Thank you if you got this far.

Sympathy OP.
You were together at a very formative time of life and it's understandable how the relationship stays with you .
However you are probably seeing it very much through rose tinted glasses , it's 20% reality in that you still have feelings for him but 80% fantasy.
It's romantic and lovely but not a situation that would survive being together 24/7 for ever.
Just my thoughts.

Thank you. I do understand what you're saying and there probably is an element of that and had it been 21 years and I hadn't seen or spoken to him, I would very much agree that it was just me remembering how I used to feel but we have connected and the feelings are very much there. He's not the same person he was when I met him, we've both grown and changed a lot but yet still get on so well and it just feels so comfortable and easy.

I would be quite content just having him as a friend in my life but obviously my partner isn't comfortable with that, which is understandable. I just don't know how to cut him out completely after such a long time and be ok with it. It hurts.

I think you are going on a completely unrealistic idea.
You say you don't know how to cut him out and be okay with it.

You're not going to be okay with it
And that's okay.

The right decisions aren't meant to be easy. Doing the right thing is hard. Giving up something that feels good sucks.
How do you think addicts feel about giving up their drug of choice? Happy? Guess again.

But just like I wouldn't advise a cocain addict to keep using until it won't be hard to quit, I'm not going to tell you to keep seeing/talking to him until it feels easy and painless.

It's going to be hard. It's going to hurt. And doing it anyway will make you proud.
Doing the right thing is hardly ever the easiest option. You should do it anyway. That's just how life works.

You are right. Thank you.

Am confused - your current partner has a fantasy about you with this ex, which you've carried out for him twice. Is that a threesome or him being a voyeur or him just telling you to go and see him without him? Why is he OK with you sleeping with him but not being in touch with him?

Both times it was me alone with my ex and back with my partner after but I think the talking issue comes from him not being ok with an emotional connection. He was ok with the physical side of things but doesn't want to repeat it and doesn't want me in touch with him anymore, which I understand but I'm finding hard.

This sounds tough. I had a friend similar to you, she clings on to our teenage years and has a similar set up. She lusts for something that can’t be replicated again. The strong emotions you have at that age (often blindly and unfortunately) leave a mark. You’ve not left your childhood emotionally because of this friend. It’s unfortunate as new partners and children are now involved. It would be wise to look at what you want - keep going through the exciting yet heartbreaking cycle, give your children a more stable and loving upbringing (but would that be the case if you were to stay with your current partner or you ex partner or neither), pursue what you think is your destiny that might end in more heartbreak? So may decisions, so many outcomes. Who do you put first? You, children, or partners? I don’t envy your choice.