Struggling so much with coming out later in life

[Lm4065]

Sorry this is a long one.

I’m really struggling at the moment and I don’t really know how to make things better. I don’t know why really I’m feeling so awful but it might be something to do with recently coming out and/or my first same sex relationship. Can you help me try and figure it out so I can work out what I need to do/change?

I’m in my early 30s and have lived a very straight life up and never really questioned anything with my sexuality but all my relationships and even dates with men never felt right or like how my friends described things. I thought there was something really wrong with me and I just had to push through and keep going as finding a relationship with a good guy would make me happy surely.
Earlier this year I met my now girlfriend. I now know there was nothing wrong with me but that I was gay and just didn’t know yet. This has been very difficult for me as I’m so sad about the time lost and everything I put myself through in the past. I’m sad about things I’ve missed out on and feel so behind in this part of my life - like I’ve never lived with a partner ect.
Some of my family are super religious and I’m so scared about telling them because I’m worried I would loose them. I’ve come out to my friends and they have met my girlfriend but my best friend has not been okay with it and I’ve lost her as a friend now.
I have tried to talk to some friends but they are all straight and they don’t really understand. They seem to be uncomfortable talking about this and I think they are scared of saying the wrong thing or accidentally sounding homophobic. But I feel so alone. I’m kind of sad/jealous of my friends in straight relationships as they don’t have to deal with this and as a result I’m struggling to be around them especially if their partner is with us.
I have joined a queer running club and sometimes it’s good but it’s hit and miss. Sometimes I have met some cool people and it makes me feel like less of freak for being this way to see gay people happily living their lives. But I’ve not made any friends yet.
Me and my girlfriend go to quite a few gay events and I have met some of her friends who are gay which kind of helps but they are her friends at the end of the day.
I have spoken to my girlfriend about this and she doesn’t always get it but I think tries.
Because this is my first time with a woman I am madly in love and have never felt this way. But at the same time I’m not sure if the relationship can last. She does hard drugs regularly and whilst this has slowed down a bit since she met me, she has recently outright said she won’t stop. Even when I explained to her how it negatively affects me and our relationship. She thinks I’ve been brainwashed by society to think drugs are bad.
She is not that emotionally available and is more able to engage with being supportive to me when she is drinking. When sober she seems to avoid hard conversations and just says things like ‘you’re always upset with me’ when often it’s not about her and I say that.
I have the best time usually with her but when we are apart I start to have a lot of doubts.
I can’t stop crying and it’s been like this for weeks. Please help me I m am feeling really desperate.

I’m considering just forcing myself to marry a man and make the best of it. It breaks my heart and I know I would be unhappy, but it’s probably easier than what I’m feeling now 😢

As an objective person, what do you think could be causing my upset? I can’t keep feeling like this and I need to do something but I don’t know what.

Thanks for reading.

Honestly I think your relationship sounds really unhealthy.

I think you can be happy as a gay woman but this relationship doesn't sound right for you.

Also, 30 is still really young. You've got loads of time left to explore and find out what does and doesn't work for you in your life.

I'd say you just need a better woman. Also are your friends uncomfortable with you being with a woman or is it that you are with this particular woman. A hard drug user is never a catch.

First of all well done on accepting your sexuality. You may have subconsciously suppressed this until a time you felt comfortable to be true to yourself. You mentioned your family is religious, this may have prevented you from being true to your authentic self . I imagine there’s a grieving process with acceptance of your new life but it comes a loss of your old life. There will even be conflicting ideas.
This relationship doesn’t sound healthy so mind your self. Please don’t go marrying someone of the opposite sex just because you ‘feel’
its the right thing to do.
I wish you well.

Aj x

Perhaps it’s just this particular woman your friends don’t feel comfortable with. I’m sure that you’ll find your way with all this but maybe it takes a bit of time? I should think it must all be very emotionally confusing after 30yrs of thinking of yourself as straight, probably for the people who care about you, too.

One of my very close friends came out later in life. I think it was very tough for her and I’m not sure if her friends from before coming out ever quite got used to it even though it has been many years now. You will make new friends who just know you as gay and that will probably make it easier but making friends always takes a while. Your relationship doesn’t sound ideal especially as you are at a bit of a vulnerable stage of your life at the moment. Is there anyone in your family who you could speak to, as it does seem like you need a bit more support? If not, maybe some counselling would be helpful.

You need a different girlfriend.

Early 30s is not later life! And your girlfriend sounds awful.

It seems more likely to me that your friends are worried about the fact that you are going out with a druggie who sounds rather unkind than the fact you are going out with a woman. They are probably worried about you - I am and I don’t even know you!! They probably are struggling to know what to say because as you say they wouldn’t want you to think they are homophobic, but she does sound awful.

I’m considering just forcing myself to marry a man and make the best of it. It breaks my heart and I know I would be unhappy, but it’s probably easier than what I’m feeling now 😢

There’s an awful lot of focus on you in this imaginary fake relationship.

Easier for the beard man? Don’t be a Philip Schofield and subject an innocent person to a lie for the best years of their life. It’s so monumentally selfish. You’re probably speaking in hyperbole bc you’re upset, but honestly, if you know you’re gay, don’t even consider it. They will likely hate you when they find out they’ve been deceived and missed out on a real relationship to make your life ‘easier’.

This ❤️

Thanks so much for all the messages 🙏 just to clarify my friends don’t know about the drugs. I haven’t told anyone about that because I know they would not be supportive of our relationship. I can’t really deal with that on top of everything else.

Hey.

It could simply be - that you are new at this! This girl may not be the one you end up with - and good that you're not doing the drugs she is. Each to their own, but not you.

I think you need some support to be honest, maybe from a gay service? Who might understand? You need time to come to terms with your own new identity, and that is fine.

I would journal a whole lot, and take it easy with the girl in case it doesn't last, and bolster your headspace by writing and talking and learning, and just generally let the days pass. DON'T marry a man for goodness sake, that's 100% not fair.

this sounds like a really tough situation to be in. My observation is, this feels like your first ever relationship - with all of the all consuming feelings and emotions that go with it! You're just doing it later than the teenager and thats ok!

Remove the woman/man bit for a minute. It is rare that you settle down for life with the first person you fall madly in love with. This relationship isn't the one for you, she does drugs which you don't agree with (and it's hurting you already). You have a whole new world to explore now you know your sexuality. Friendships will come. New love interests will come too.

The friends who aren't supportive of you being gay - fk them. Coming out to your family is only for when you are ready. Might be worth getting some counselling to talk this through with a professional before you take that step.

I'm rooting for you.

I think you need to leave her, shes choosing drugs over you & actually telling you this.

It seems to me that there are 3 distinct things here and separating them might help you.

1. Religious family and fear of their response. I hear you. (Im Bi and nearly 40. My family dont know) To me this seems like the lest urgent of your issues. Perhaps can be parked until you feel a bit more stable in other areas?
2. Friendship changes and lack of community - This is probably quite painful for you. Sounds like many of your old friends didn't have much exposure to this previously? In that case, id go easy on them. It can be really hard for people when they have no past experience to refer to, they will worry about saying the wrong thing. They know even less than you do about navigating this. So long as they arent being actively mean, id suggest acknowledging that they cant play this new role for you enjoy them for the role they can play (presumably you got on well and enjoyed interests with them beyond 'straightness' previously) Then, work more on finding community that can help with the missing bits. And for now, accept that it will be community, out of which will eventually come friendship. Great you've started the running club, find a handfull more thigns to go to regularly. Online communities exit too.
3. The current girlfriend. Oh boy. I get it, your first relationship is going to have the wild intensity of teenager years but with the complexity of adulthood. A total washing machine of emotions no doubt. But this isn't the right person for you, you are poorly matched and as hard as it will be, stepping away from her will likely be the best thing for you longer term. Id actually suggest that you take a decent amount of time to be single. I think a lot of women who come out later stay in bad first relationships because it is a bit of a shortcut into the community and they want to make up for lsot time but its a bad approach. (I hope that makes sense, can try to explain another way if you need)

Your world is a bit topsy tervy right now, but if you take some steps back and build up slowly, I have every faith that things will feel better. Be kind to yourself

Hi,

Can you seek out a therapist who has an interest in supporting the queer community to support you at this time, look online www.bacp.co.uk/

Regardless of whether you are with a woman or a man - your relationship is unhealthy as your girlfriend takes drugs and you don't like that. Also emotionally unavailable is a nightmare to be honest (and I speak from lived experience on that).

Look after yourself x

Reading between the lines, I'd actually say you're still a bit unsure of your sexuality and how it all works. (I have always known that I fancied both sexes from being very young. But I ended up marrying a man and have been with him 29 years this year!).
You've either always known you're gay and completely shut it down, due to how your family would react to it, or you have only just realised you're bisexual.
I would definitely get away from the partnership you are in. She doesn't care for you. If she did, then she would commit herself, want a proper adult relationship and to settle down. But she sounds to me like she hasn't grown up at all. And if she's hitting drugs that hard and isn't prepared to give that up for you, then that's really not good enough. You deserve so much better from a relationship.
I'd end the relationship and take a step back. Explore your options. Find meet ups in your area. Don't ever settle for second best. You won't be on your own out there, there will be others in the same situation.
I am so sorry you lost your friend over this. But it's her loss. She can't have been a true friend if she can't support you when you need it the most. 🤗
Wishing you lots of luck for the future 🪷

Sorry but I also laughed at “later in life” and then saw that you’re 30

Your relationship has no future if she is into drugs, and isn’t willing to stop

It’s not as easy as that when you have a religious family and grow up religious yourself. It is not only a matter of homosexual relations being wrong, but how strongly church communities push hetero marriage at a young age. You end up thinking that there are no other options, so there is no point in looking into it. This is where I have been too as I have only just realised I am bi in my late 20s. Might be different if somebody is either heterosexual or homosexual.

In terms of the relationship, I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone who does drugs.