Starting couples counselling- what happens?

[Goinggreymammy]

The title must seem so clueless, but I just don't know what to expect.
Starting Thursday with DH. Won't go into whole backstory but I finally had enough of his selfish behaviour, refusal to prioritise our children, and his and terrible communication two weeks ago and said I wanted to take a break from living together as it causes me so much frustration. He doesn't want to. He wants to preserve the status quo. So he has asked me to try couples counselling and I've agreed. I think its fair to try and see if this can be turned around. But years of explaining and talking and arguing have got me nowhere so im a bit sceptical. Anyway, we start Thursday and I have no idea what to expect. Should I prepare? Should we discuss in advance what we want to achieve? I'm finding it hard to talk to him at all apart from day to day practicalities and arrangements, as im sick of arguing and nagging but can't pretend everything is fine. So a pre-counselling discussion would be tricky.
Has anyone words of advice or experiences or share?

It really depends on the counsellor and their style I think.
My relationship issues are similar to yours.
We went to one and we would chat about a few things but the counsellor would add their own opinions (as though talking to a friend not a professional) and it added fuel to the fire.
I ended up going to counselling on my own for a while because I believed I was the problem based on those few sessions.
Things became worse at home and I was ready to leave, DH asked to try again so we went to a different counsellor. This one was much better in the sense that they didn’t give opinions as such, they listened to both of us and just asked why we felt or behaved a certain way. There were times they would make suggestions if they felt we needed to reflect on something, but it never came across like a personal attack.
I can’t say it made much difference to our relationship, but it helped me understand things better and I felt heard, sometimes by DH, and almost always by the counsellor.

I think what would have made a big difference is how DH and I approached it. We ended up going around in circles rehashing old arguments, when what we should have done was gone in with a clear plan that we wanted some strategies to help us communicate better and for DH to understand that his approach to things made me feel alone in our marriage.

Sorry for the long post. The main things to highlight are the importance of having a counsellor that you feel comfortable with, and to be clear with them about what you need from the sessions - you don’t need a plan in advance with your DH if it’s too difficult to do, just be open and honest in the sessions.

@Thisisforty thank you for such an open response. That is helpful.

Couples counsellor here.
It depends really heavily on the style of your counsellor.
A good counsellor will talk you through it, especially if it's your first time, and will be very clear on what to expect. Some counsellors are more laid back and will want you to bring up topics and talking points. Others will take a bit more charge. So there's really nothing you can do to prepare before you've even met this counsellor. The best counsellors IMO try to adapt to the needs of every couple they work with, and therefor have a different style and approach with each one. I have some couples who are very clear on what they want and how they want to get there, so I let them take the lead. Other couples are distraught and hopeless and need much more guidance through the process.
Does your counsellor have a website? Do they mention anything about their approach?

However, the biggest factor contributing to the success of the counselling, is whether you feel safe, understood, validated and comfortable with your counsellor. Wich also means that staying with someone who doesn't offer what you need - even if they aren't objectively a bad counsellor - will get you nowhere. It's so important to find someone who matches with you both. So if after a few sessions you're not feeling that match, go elsewhere.

I think you should approach this counselling idea from your husband as an attempt to placate you. He knows that he is selfish and a poor father and husband but he won’t make the effort to change. A few counselling sessions won’t make him magically become a better person. Save the money to pay for your divorce.

What @Girlmom35said, if after a couple of sessions you don’t feel heard and safe look for a new person. The relationship is everything in counselling - so if you or your DH aren’t getting what you need go somewhere else. A good counsellor won’t take it personally and should encourage you to find someone new.

Yes. I know this. I asked him to consider moving out (as he would leave the children to find for themselves if I leave) and he said no. Then came back with this suggestion. Its a stalling tactic. But if it actually helps us I would ideally prefer not to divorce so im willing to try.