Utter betrayal from cheating boyfriend. I am so hurt

[Hurtandbetrayed11]

I was in a relationship for 11 years. I caught my ex on hook up sites, prostitute sites, and he was also emailing women offering them sex. This was 5 years ago and we split for a while. Over the last 5 months he has been disappearing to hotels and not coming home all weekend. I had this gut feeling that he has been seeing prostitutes like he has also done before so asked to see his bank statement which he refused as this is how I caught him out last time. He then suddenly contacted a house rental company, signed a tenancy, cleared all his stuff out and left when I was out with friends. He then text me to say he was gone saying that he’s a complete arsehole and that I am better off without him. He then asked me to date him which I refused. Although I know it’s best we are over I am really struggling with sheer loneliness and I have lived with him for 9 years. I haven’t shed 1 tear but I am totally in shock and just need some emotional support now. it’s as though he has no regret and I meant nothing. I have not heard from him since nor will I contact him. I am just offloading on here as there’s only so much time my friends can give me and nothings helping. Trying to keep busy it’s not helping. I am so hurt. Feel utterly worthless and at 53 I can’t see myself getting into a relationship ever again. How do I move past this?

Firstly I’m so sorry this has happened to you. But believe him when he says he’s an asshole.

it’s hard to navigate at first and you will miss the company but my advice is to keep busy, focus on self care. Do nice things for you. Spend time with girlfriends.

He is correct - he IS an arsehole, at least he got one thing right. Sorry OP

God what a horror he is! I can't believe you took him back the first time - there is a lesson there for many others who post on this site. You are worth so much more than him. Do you have any interests you can throw yourself into? Or anything you have always wanted to pursue/learn about or try out? I think you should put yourself first for a while and spend some quality time doing things that you enjoy with people you like or where you will meet new people. I know it can feel like the end, but the world is full of people who are much better than him and it is better to be single than to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't value you. Stay strong - you will be fine.

Started to get in touch with more friends that my ex isolated me from. Kids have left the roost so just lonely endless nights here. He’s moved literally 1 mile away so it’s going to be so painful seeing him move on.

Do you work? So you have Employee Assistance Program at work, you may be entitled to free counselling with that.

I am sorry for your troubles, 9years is a long
time but it would be worse if it was 9 more years of lies with him.

All I can advise is to go to the library and get some books about it and try to get through it x x

Yes I work full time but work from home most days. That’s what’s harder. I am lucky to have friends I know that it’s just I can’t believe he literally just left without telling me. It’s the worthlessness that I feel knowing he’s hooking up and moving on whereas I don’t think I can ever trust a man again after what’s happened

You're not the one who's worthless OP, he's the one who has behaved appallingly. He's a faithless liar and a cheat. He's the one not worth your tears and your sadness.

Can you access some counselling? You need to talk through these feelings and start to move on with your life. You only have this one life and it's up to you to make it as good as it can be - be kind to yourself and do things for yourself that make you happy and healthy. Good food, seeing friends, exercise (walking in nature, running, gym, yoga, dancing - whatever makes you feel good) new hobbies, volunteering ... the possibilities are endless. Don't waste your time thinking about him and what he's doing - focus on you and looking after yourself. You will get past this and honestly your life can and will be a lot better without him 💐

It doesn’t feel nice but if you look at the bigger picture, feeling lonely is better than having him disrespect you day in, day out.

You can build from here. A man like that adds absolutely no value to your life. You deserve more.

He’s hooking up with prostitutes not making meaningful connections. Those women are vulnerable and likely repulsed by him. But he can’t stop himself. He has an addiction to it. It’s a lonely and soul destroying way to live.

Even if he is to get into a relationship with another woman he will be sleeping with prostitutes behind her back. It’s not about you, it’s all about his deep seated issues that are manifesting in his sexual needs. He’s not a strong enough man to deal with his destructive behaviour so he’s moved out to avoid accountability.

Over time you will heal and get to the point where you only feel apathy and pity for him. But it’s a journey to get there and the less contact you have the easier it will be to navigate.

That kind of man will always always be a loser. He will never move on really because he’s such a dickhead. He will do the same thing over and over.

But let’s not dwell on him. Not worth it at all. He’s a skank.

Much more interesting, what about you?

What do you want? Surely you don’t want this vile man in your life?

Now is your opportunity to shine and find what you love to do.

Please don’t pollute your life with the tainted one.

Be free.

Thank you for all of your posts. They are making me feel better emotionally. I will be strong and have deleted him off social media, changed all my passwords, deleted his number and emails out of my phone. Just booked a girlie 3 night trip abroad. Looking for an alternative job where I can go into the office more rather than work from home all of the time. I have binned the few bits he has left behind. I have not shed even 1 tear. I know I didn’t love him anymore as I was sick of relentlessly checking his whereabouts due to fear. It’s a relief I don’t have to do that anymore and I shouldn’t have had to but he gave me his location but I found out he’d put his location on his Apple Watch, leave it in office or hotels to lie to where he was. That’s how I also knew he was in hotels in the city centre when he walked out after causing minor arguments. I am staying away from where he drinks, where he shops, everything just to try to ensure I never see eyes on him again.

He could have given you any amount of STDs. He’s a sociopath so he’s not going to ‘move on’. He might sucker in some poor woman but he’ll do the same thing to her. YOU will move on and rebuild your life. Now is not the time to think about new relationships. Focus on filling up your life socially. They say it takes a third of the length of the relationship to get over it so just give yourself a few years to build your life up. Good luck. Loneliness is hard and I’ve been through something similar myself (and am 54) so I understand how you feel. The pain does eventually go away, I promise.