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Original poster

Should I date someone who's divorced.

26 replies

Jo2025 · 13/10/2025 17:24

I'm a 42 year old woman who's been dating a 48 years old man for the past 8 weeks. On our 4th date I asked him where he wanted us to go. I told him that I wasn't looking for a one night stand or friends with benefits and that I was looking for a relationship. He said he was looking for the same thing eventually. In this conversation he also labelled me as his 'special friend'. I do know that he is a divorced man with two children (18 and 13). His divorce was finalised a year ago but the relationship broke down in 2019. When we are on dates we have a lovely time, we talk loads, he's even told me about how his dad cheated on his mum and that's why they divorced when he was 3 years old and also how he lived a life with his ex wife where everything was about her and how he used to go along with what his ex wife wanted just for a peaceful life. He has said that he wants to take me and him slow. I said I'm willing to take things slow as well which is why we see each other once a week. He has said to me on several occasions 'teach me what it's like to be in a relationship ' and on one occasion he said 'i don't know what I'm doing when It comes to dating anymore'. This guy is so affectionate when we're on dates and he normally suggests different places where we can go for the next date. All in all he seems like a decent man towards me. We've slept together twice and on both occasions he's very considerate of what I want in the bedroom. He always thanks me for a lovely date or on the two occasions we slept together he also thank me for staying the night with him. There's just one thing that he said a week ago in conversation which I've been thinking about lately. He said he was talking to his mum and she told him to go to the dr's as he's losing weight and he's all dark under his eyes (which I've noticed myself) where he hasn't been getting sleep lately. She suggested that maybe his divorce was taking it's tole on him. This is now making me think should I be dating a man who had a divorce a year ago and who's maybe still healing from it? A friend of mine had suggested that maybe me and him dating is helping him heal from his divorce. I'm not sure what to think as I've never dated a man who's had a divorce. Most men I've dated have never been married. He doesn't mention his ex wife a great deal unless he's mentioned his two kids. He's not one of those men who moan loads about his ex as I've dated men like that in the past. Should I just walk away if he's still healing? I don't want to walk away as he's such a lovely man.

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 13/10/2025 17:31

You could be his rebound woman but only he can tell you if you are. To be honest, I’m amazed you didn’t get the absolute ick from being called ‘a special friend’ or being asked to ‘teach him what’s it’s like to be in a relationship’. Those two comments smack of ‘I told you I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to relationships’. The perfect excuse when he wants to end it.

If you really like him, ask what he means by those comments. If he can’t really explain, I’d walk away.

ClickClickety · 13/10/2025 17:52

Seeing each other once a week isn't much. Does he co-parent the kids? What does he do when he's not got them?

TwistedWonder · 13/10/2025 18:06

It’s difficult as having been through a divorce myself you really want to be ready to date but it really is a slow process to be totally on right headspace.

And yes most divorced people to end up having a rebound but don’t know at the times that’s what it is .
He sounds a decent guy who is very unsure of how to manoeuvre this new world. Yes some of his wording is a bit icky but he’s new to this.

Personally I’d give him a chance but be very aware of any red flags. Give him a few more dates and have some honest and open conversations.

ChristmasFluff · 13/10/2025 18:12

It seems like the 'going slow' only extends to the number of times you see him per week, since you've dived straight into a sexual relationship despite you saying you don't want to be FWB.

He's basically saying he wants casual at the moment. I strongly suspect he'll keep you around until he meets someone who knocks him off his feet, and then he'll be all for regular dates and settling down.

Daisydoggs · 13/10/2025 18:14

Having been through a divorce, it does take a long time to move on. The fact that you have realised that there are serious red flags is a really good thing. Proceed, if you want to, with caution…

CaffeineAndChords · 13/10/2025 18:17

Proceed with caution.
Being with someone who’s either going through divorce/is recently divorced is really fucking hard. X

Original poster
Jo2025 · 13/10/2025 18:28

Yes he co parents the children. He has them on every other weekend and sometimes sees them during the week. He goes to church twice a week, he's just moved into a flat so it needs some general painting and decorating doing to it so I know that he does that as well. He does appear to be an introvert so he has said he likes some time to himself.

OP posts:
Savoretti · 13/10/2025 18:55

Agree with PP you need to see him
more than once a week to build something otherwise it’s just occasional dates which are easy to make really lovely and special

Original poster
Jo2025 · 13/10/2025 21:16

ClickClickety · 13/10/2025 17:52

Seeing each other once a week isn't much. Does he co-parent the kids? What does he do when he's not got them?

Yes he co parents the children. He has them on every other weekend and sometimes sees them during the week. He goes to church twice a week, he's just moved into a flat so it needs some general painting and decorating doing to it so I know that he does that as well. He does appear to be an introvert so he has said he likes some time to himself.

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 13/10/2025 21:21

Do you have DCs OP? It does sound like you’re on a different page really. You want a proper going somewhere relationship and he wants a nice friendship with a bit of sex as a bonus. I’ve never had a relationship worth its salt where I saw them once a week

ShouldITrust · 13/10/2025 22:24

It sounds like his divorce took a while to be finalised if he separated in 2019. Personally I started a relationship 1 year after separating and was still in that when my divorce came through. A divorce can be stressful but it doesn’t mean he’s not ready to date so if you are enjoying his company I’d give it more time.
What I would suggest is finding out his expectations re how much you might see him in future when that feels appropriate. Both my other half and I only have time to see each other once a week and it works for us. It’s harder when you are mismatched. I’ve been in that situation & it felt too pressured.

Reddog1 · 13/10/2025 22:31

I’d give him a chance I think. Cautiously.

2019 was quite some time ago. From what you’ve said I think he’s introverted and out of practice, rather than pining for his ex or struggling to rebuild.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 13/10/2025 22:48

Unpopular opinion(?)

I would (and did) walk away because it was too messy for me BUT I was mid 30s... after dating 5 or 6 divorces / separated men i realised the "damage" they were carrying wasnt for me. Even the "nice guy" ones were a mess emotionally and I was essentially collateral damage in the aftermath / wake of the divorce.

that said as people get older and they get more baggage so it may be the trade off is worth it for you... but it wont be an easy road. Its the recent divorce plus 2 x teenagers so i'd say its not for feint of heart...

Beaniebobbins · 13/10/2025 23:12

It’s not the divorce that would bother me it’s him saying that he did everything his ex wife wanted and just went along with it for a quiet life. This is ringing alarm bells for me. Was what she wanted maybe some help with the kids and a bit of cleaning? I think this might be the sort of thing that my STBXH would say. A lot of blame shifting and no self awareness. It’s something I think I see a lot here too and with people in real life and so it makes me think it might not that be unusual.

Irenesortof · 13/10/2025 23:30

Jo2025 · 13/10/2025 21:16

Yes he co parents the children. He has them on every other weekend and sometimes sees them during the week. He goes to church twice a week, he's just moved into a flat so it needs some general painting and decorating doing to it so I know that he does that as well. He does appear to be an introvert so he has said he likes some time to himself.

Show quote history

Have you been to his flat OP? If he says you can’t because of the decorating, that’s a red flag.

Thingyfanding1 · 13/10/2025 23:34

He might have only divorced a year ago but divorces take years. He’s probably had plenty of time to heal.

Original poster
Jo2025 · 14/10/2025 00:14

Irenesortof · 13/10/2025 23:30

Have you been to his flat OP? If he says you can’t because of the decorating, that’s a red flag.

Show quote history

Yeah I've been to the flat and it definitely needs decorating.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 14/10/2025 04:44

I’d also give him a chance cautiously. I don’t see any red flags. The ‘special friend’ bit, is he scared of labelling your relationship?

WaryHiker · 14/10/2025 05:12

So, a recently divorced man who barely sees his kids, badmouths his ex-wife, and says vomit-inducing things like, "Teach me to be in a relationship"?

You wouldn't see me for dust.

Irenesortof · 14/10/2025 11:50

He seems very scared and probably not ready for a relationship. But if it feels right to you and you want to put some effort into working things out, why not carry on for a bit and see what happens.

Original poster
Jo2025 · 14/10/2025 19:16

WaryHiker · 14/10/2025 05:12

So, a recently divorced man who barely sees his kids, badmouths his ex-wife, and says vomit-inducing things like, "Teach me to be in a relationship"?

You wouldn't see me for dust.

He sees his kids as much as he can he said. He never bad mouths his ex wife either.

OP posts:
Losthusbandstbx · 08/03/2026 01:15

Jo2025 · 13/10/2025 17:24

I'm a 42 year old woman who's been dating a 48 years old man for the past 8 weeks. On our 4th date I asked him where he wanted us to go. I told him that I wasn't looking for a one night stand or friends with benefits and that I was looking for a relationship. He said he was looking for the same thing eventually. In this conversation he also labelled me as his 'special friend'. I do know that he is a divorced man with two children (18 and 13). His divorce was finalised a year ago but the relationship broke down in 2019. When we are on dates we have a lovely time, we talk loads, he's even told me about how his dad cheated on his mum and that's why they divorced when he was 3 years old and also how he lived a life with his ex wife where everything was about her and how he used to go along with what his ex wife wanted just for a peaceful life. He has said that he wants to take me and him slow. I said I'm willing to take things slow as well which is why we see each other once a week. He has said to me on several occasions 'teach me what it's like to be in a relationship ' and on one occasion he said 'i don't know what I'm doing when It comes to dating anymore'. This guy is so affectionate when we're on dates and he normally suggests different places where we can go for the next date. All in all he seems like a decent man towards me. We've slept together twice and on both occasions he's very considerate of what I want in the bedroom. He always thanks me for a lovely date or on the two occasions we slept together he also thank me for staying the night with him. There's just one thing that he said a week ago in conversation which I've been thinking about lately. He said he was talking to his mum and she told him to go to the dr's as he's losing weight and he's all dark under his eyes (which I've noticed myself) where he hasn't been getting sleep lately. She suggested that maybe his divorce was taking it's tole on him. This is now making me think should I be dating a man who had a divorce a year ago and who's maybe still healing from it? A friend of mine had suggested that maybe me and him dating is helping him heal from his divorce. I'm not sure what to think as I've never dated a man who's had a divorce. Most men I've dated have never been married. He doesn't mention his ex wife a great deal unless he's mentioned his two kids. He's not one of those men who moan loads about his ex as I've dated men like that in the past. Should I just walk away if he's still healing? I don't want to walk away as he's such a lovely man.

Speaking as a divorced man who’s been binned for being too nice and affectionate due to her having “no instant spark” 1 year he’s probably still healing a little bit but if he has his own life/job id stick with him. Good men are hard to find. Even if you are helping him heal don’t listen to external noise just because you help him heal doesn’t mean you’re a rebound I think it strengthens the bond you already have. He’ll be devastated if you leave him, especially as he sounds genuine and gentle. There’s a good chance if you really want him you’ll be able to keep him. Do you have strong feelings for him?

LucyLoo1972 · 08/03/2026 01:53

Jo2025 · 13/10/2025 18:28

Yes he co parents the children. He has them on every other weekend and sometimes sees them during the week. He goes to church twice a week, he's just moved into a flat so it needs some general painting and decorating doing to it so I know that he does that as well. He does appear to be an introvert so he has said he likes some time to himself.

do you share his Christian faith?

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 08/03/2026 02:54

Beaniebobbins · 13/10/2025 23:12

It’s not the divorce that would bother me it’s him saying that he did everything his ex wife wanted and just went along with it for a quiet life. This is ringing alarm bells for me. Was what she wanted maybe some help with the kids and a bit of cleaning? I think this might be the sort of thing that my STBXH would say. A lot of blame shifting and no self awareness. It’s something I think I see a lot here too and with people in real life and so it makes me think it might not that be unusual.

Yeah, that he did everything his wife told him to (with resentment because according to him, everything apparently revolved around her) and the "Teach me how to be in a relationship" bespeaks a major immaturity and lack of self awareness. It also suggests a dependent mindset, where he'll suck you in to take over his emotional and mental labour and become his life manager.

Very passive, with a tinge of entitlement to women's time and energy, and perhaps also resentment towards them when they are forced into managing him. I bet his wife divorced him because of this.

I reckon this guy needs to be on his own to sort himself out and learn to like himself and lean on himself, rather than outsourcing this to yet another woman.

I personally wouldn't be interested in this project. I like self actualized men who have their life shit together and aren't looking for Mummy.

Everynamehasgone99 · 08/03/2026 02:59

Sorry, have I read a totally different OP to everyone else? The man sounds fine! So he got divorced - that happens. Should divorced people not be trusted ever again? Not be allowed to date at all in case they hold some memories of their ex? Does this apply to people who were in long term relationships that broke up too, or are relationship breakups only painful if the couple signed a piece of paper to say they were married?

A year is a long time. And they havent been together for 6 years. And what makes you assume he hasn't healed from the divorce? Not all divorces are traumatic. Many are mutual and civilised. It sounds like he doesnt have anger towards his ex and isnt slagging her off which would be a real red flag.

Yeah he sounds a bit cringe in terms of the language he uses, but being cringe isnt a crime. He might genuinely just be a decent guy trying to navigate a change in his life. Ready to find a new partner. It doesnt mean you will definitely end up together forever but i can't see any red flags here. If you like him, give him a chance. Everyone has exes. He sounds like a good guy (and I always think the worst of men!).