I met the boy who i thought was the love of my life at 21. We were so happy together and we had a great relationship, he treated me so well and i couldn't ask for more. I was so in love. Fast forward 4 years and I moved town to buy our first house together. A few weeks before we get the keys he is walking back from a night out and he gets beaten up. Injuries wernt anything serious but enough to cause a broken nose and a black eye. I help support him through this but all I got is, he dosent want to talk about it and wont ever explain the situation fully, I leave it as I know he dosent want to talk but knows I am here if needed. We get the keys for the house as expected,the house needs alot of work so he gets very stressed ( none of us really estimating the level of work this house needs but his parents telling us we should buy it and they can help us renovate) he starts yelling at me, blaming me for things and saying im.not pulling my weight with the house which I have no clue on things like this and he knew this from the start. I spent every day after work at the house and all my days off teaching myself how to paint plaster all the things I can do to help ease the pressue. I rush everything as I just want our dynamic to go back to normal and just be stress free without the worry of rennovating. The house is near on complete and we move in properly. I think this will be the end of him stressing out at me as we have nothing left to stress about. Then came the yelling because Ive not loaded the dishwasher right. Being called names due to being stood the wrong side of trolley in the supermarket, throwing a dinner away as he dont like my cooking. Slamming doors, throwing things. Saying im a baby when I cry about the things hes saying. Saying ive ruined his weekendd if im upset or the tiniest bit off in mood. I try to make everything perfect. Do the dishwasher his way. Cook the food like he does. Not have a thing out of place in the house as I know it can cause a breakdown. He calls me stupid and a baby and that I should just go crying running back to mummy and daddy. When we fight he won't let me out the room. He baracades the door and pushes me back down when I try and get past. He is shouting at me calling me names but I cant get him to calm down but I also cant get out the room i just close my eyes and curl up in a ball and wait for him to cry thats normally when he calms doen . He uses fast driving to show me he is angry at me. There are holes in walls broken objects everywhere. Fast forward I become pregnant. My first son he had a terminal illness so half way through pregnancy I had to make the toughest decision to put him out of his pain. My partner was very supportive during this and I couldn't have asked for more. I thought things were on the up. When I fell pregnant again a year later I got poorly I developed ocd. Convinced my unborn child would have the same condition as my first or I would loose him over an illness or something I have caused.i wasn't a good partner I would make him wash his hands multiple times an hour just so I could convince my mind nothing bad would happen. I was so strict on the cat with toxoplasmosis fears and washed everything multiple times a day and I made him doing certain rituals. He did everything I asked and as the pregnancy went on my ocd became better and it was much less ritualised as we got closer to knowing this baby will be fine. Baby is born perfectly healthy and I think we have made it. We have been through hell but we have made it. Then the postpartum depression hits. I first felt sad one evening. I explained this to my partner and all I got was well you wanted a baby so why are you sad and I will take him off you get fully custody and you will never see him again. I knew then he wasn't the person I could talk to about how I was feeling. He criticised the amount I was doing around the house. The lack of physical intimacy.he criticised I wasn't doing enough. Even though I was at home on maternity leave looking after little one all day. But I was struggling. I was still convinced something would happen and my baby would become ill and I would loose him like I did my last. I became more ill. At one point he Strangled me when I said I wanted to die. He said he did it to prove to me that thats not what I really wanted. He would lock me in the house. Just walk out on me and the baby and baracade the rooms during fights. I was helped by doctors who helped me to become better through medication and therapy. They were aware of everything as I contacted them the second I felt myself feeling sad as I knew I would be prone to post natal depression due to what I was like in pregnancy. I guess the question I want to ask is, a couple of years on and im all okay, but the fighting with my partner is still bad. I feel like ive fallen out of love because I dont feel safe. I resent him for the past and how I was treated even though my postpartum and prenatal ocd /depression means I am just as much to blame. I hate fighting he enjoys it but I just dont feel in love becuae the feeling of feeling safe is gone. And ive realised that is the most important feeling to me in a relationship. I've not been easy during my pregnancies but I am positive that I do not cause fights at any other time other than this period which I will hold my hands up too. So why are the fights like this still happening why is he initiating and getting so angry when I haven't done anything to cause this and everything is okay now, is it possible to fall out of love due to this situation or should I try and fall back in love when mentally ive checked out? I feel myself being drawn to other people just because they are calm and supportive. I broke up with my partner the second I felt myself feeling this way about others. However he still wants me back. I am unsure as although I dont love him anymore I really used to. We have a son together and I rely on him financially due to lack of childcare. I know I wasn't an easy person to be with during my toughest times. Should I go back or should I move on? Please help