I just need to write this down as I haven't told anyone.
A couple of days ago my son handed me his dad's phone to unlock so he could play on it. I opened it and there were messages with lovehearts and kisses on an app called Telegram. I'd seen this app previously on his phone and asked about it and he'd said it was used by the company running the streaming service he used to download all the most recent films etc. I gave it no more thought. I trusted him 100%. I never in a million years thought he'd ever be unfaithful in any way.
Anyway, I quickly closed the app and handed my son the phone. I kept telling myself I must have got it wrong and I would have a proper look later. I knew though really he wouldn't be messaging a woman on a different app to the usual WhatsApp/ text if it was innocent. I struggled through the day biding my time until he asked me to charge his phone as the socket was next to me where I sat on the sofa while he had a fag and a wee.
I quickly opened the app and saw pretty quickly it was exactly what it looked like. I quickly scrolled through and took pics of the conversations so I could read them later. There were loads of voicenotes too, video calls had happened and tonnes of explicit pictures.
It is obviously a sex thing as he'd been speaking to her on Reddit and they'd got into the explicit sex talk straight off the bat. He was also paying her for content so it was obviously a transactional thing. She had a lot of standard responses too, "handsome", "baby", "youre so hot" on repeat.
Later on though she'd mentioned work and they'd then both shared they were support workers. They'd then shared voicenotes obviously talking about work etc, not just sex. He'd messaged her saying she was obviously a great support worker and he hoped she was OK etc. Like they were chatting about their lives etc. A lot of it was voicenotes so I don't know exactly what was said.
They then discussed meeting up at some point in November. He was asking if she was serious and she said she was.
I don't know if she was though and this was just part of the "service" she provided. Nonetheless he was obviously keen to meet.
When our son was in bed I asked him straight up if he loved me. He was very shocked and said of course he did etc. I said tell me the truth, I need to know. No lies, let's just be honest with each other. He continued insisting he did. So I told him what i'd seen.
He was gutted and said there's no excuse for what he'd done. He wanted to feel wanted and desired. We didn't have sex very often and he was horny. He was so sorry and he'd never do it again.
I said was he actually going to meet up. He said he'd considered it but he wouldn't have done. Obviously his word means nothing though and if I'd never found out who knows how this would have escalated.
He said he loved me and his family and he wanted us. I told him he needs to be truthful as I don't want to be having the same conversation in a year. I don't want to hate him, he's the father of my child. We ended up cuddling which I cried and I told him I loved him and I didn't want to split up.
I love him so much, my heart is broken and I feel like I'm dying. I keep having intrusive thoughts of "I think I'm dying" and "I want to die." Since then we've had social stuff and I seem to be able to put a face on but as soon as it's just us I hide and cry and fall apart. He hasn't said anything since. He obviously doesn't know what to do. He keeps telling me he loves me and I obviously don't want to say it back.
This morning when I was getting my son ready for school I was crying (luckily my son doesn't understand negative emotions due to his autism) and he called through asking what the matter was and am I OK. Wtf?? I said I'm fine and later he asked why I'd been crying and I said the obvious. He said oh, are you a bit sniffly, do you have a cold? I could scream!
I've been in bed all day crying on and off. He obviously doesn't know what to do. And I don't know either.
I haven't told anyone as despite what he's done I don't want my family and friends to hate him. We've been together 12 years. I love him so much. I'm in so much pain and I feel so trapped.
His last message to her was "I'm (name)" after some chatting about their days and her leaving a voicenote. So obviously they were getting to know each other. This was a week ago and she hadn't responded so obviously he hadn't sent her any money since. I think it's transactional and she's got plenty of men she's saying the same stuff to but at the same time why is she discussing her personal life if it's just sex?
Please be gentle with me if you have read this. I love this man so much and I just wish I'd never seen the messages. This is just too much.