Living separately and staying married?

[unusualarrangement]

It’s not me but it’s a dear friend. Obviously I’m not qualified to advise her but I can see she is being chipped away bit by bit and she needs some clarity. Ten years married and she still loves him very much.

He turned 40 and decided he needed to move out around the corner as he was having some kind of MH crisis and didn’t know what he wanted from the relationship. By coincidence she had just got a massive promotion at work which she had worked hard fir (I’m saying this as I know of three women who’s marriages collapsed when they started to do well at work)

Roll on 18 months and he’s “still not there” yet she sees him more than ever as he’s at her house every day making dinner etc. The child doesn’t really notice any difference. It’s getting to her as she wants either a husband who doesn’t dissappear at bath time for the night and expects her to still go to watch him play football because he wants the child there. Or she needs to get divorced and he is shocked if she mentions that. He goes as far as booking trips well in advance.

His mother never praised him and didn’t go to his graduation he e sects my friend to give him cuddles and reassurance.

theres alot to unpick isn’t there? Her counsellor has told her she needs to wait for him to get there. He is getting counselling.

how long can this situation go on for does she do a Helena Bonham Carter or upset the apple cart? They get on no arguing and no financial issues.

I would get counselling together, after 18 months he is either in or out, I can see how it’s frustrating for your friend, she needs to know where he’s at in the relationship/marriage. Personally I would give him till Christmas to decide, it’s not fair on all of them carrying on in limbo, it’s not a healthy relationship if it’s chipping away at her.

He sounds as though he has got the best of both worlds: the benefits of a family and the freedom of being single.
When he disappears in the evening I assume he also.has the freedom to see other people.

Is his mental health problem diagnosed by medical professionals because he sounds like yet another man using it as an excuse to behave badly to his wife.

My advice to her would be to take legal advice re starting divorce proceedings.

That’s for your friend and her husband work out. All the best to them.

Yes it’s just horrible to see the situation picking away at her bit by bit

He doesn't want a marriage just a living separate girlfriend situation and that is terrible. He is using her for dinners and all that. She could threaten to divorce him? full marriage or just split and co parent amicably?

Is he paying towards the family home? Must be a high earner!

He is they both have good jobs.

i hope she is claiming child maintenance from him if she’s the one doing bedtime every night.
I would never ever put up with this. Shit or get off the pan. He gets all the benefits of family life - dinner made for him and eats it with his child, then when the mother is doing bedtime stories he can go to the local pub on a tinder date and bring back whoever to sleep over at his. Not a chance pal.

My friend went through very similar script with her ex, same mental health excuse, same coming in and out of the family home as he pleased, same dangling a string rhat they might get back
together (they even conceived a third child during this time) fast forward five years and he never moved back in, and is married to someone else

He’s the one making the tea and picking up from school.

Another woman. There always is.

I know of a number of much older couples who are on second marriages and have chosen to stay living separately, and it’s certainly something I would consider doing later on in life if my husband (who is 17 years my senior) dies; but, in my view, that’s very different to this much younger couple who are still on their first marriage. She needs to give him an ultimatum; get counselling and move back in, or cut him loose. He is currently having his cake and eating it. I’d be inclined to wonder why he prefers to have his nights alone too 🧐🧐🧐

But he is getting his evenings and weekends completely free to do as he pleases?

Her counselor is a shitty one. It's been 18 months he's used her for companionship and dinners and it's long past time to fish or cut bait. She's allowing herself to stagnate in a dead marriage with a guy who doesn't want her, but wants her service, rather than move on and reestablish a life for herself. Putting off the one it's le is not going to help their kid either. She's a fool to put up with this.

She is just building up more equity/savings/pension to share with him at a later date. I'd call it a day if I were in her shoes.