Male friend victim DA? **Trigger Warning**

[AnyExperienceHelpful]

We (DH and I) have a male friend, late 40/early 50. He has been with his wife since early 20’s and they have kids together. Over the last 10 years or so we are seeing what we think is a worrying pattern of behaviour, which is clearly affecting his mental health and self esteem.

some examples are;
He is the sole bread winner and she refuses to work (it was agreed when kids were young but sometime ago plans were put in place on the basis she would get a job and then she refused. All children are now teens/adults).

She regularly checks his phone (he is concerned about what friends put on the group chats as it will trigger her. There’s nothing concerning on the group chats as far as I can tell. I asked DH to show me)

A few years ago his brother tried to support him when he tried to leave her. Since then his wife and the children haven’t seen his brother at all and he has seen him a handful of times. Each time it’s cause arguments.

He isn’t allowed to go out/away with friends, this has been gradual but something always happens when he is supposed to go out (even if that’s an argument).

There is a lot of pressure to work from home, to the point it is impacting on his career.

There are other smaller things (name calling, blaming him for everything, never saying sorry, calling multiple times a day etc.) For years we just thought she was quite “inflexible” but now it has got to a point where a number of the male group are worried about him but are not sure if they are overreacting/should say do anything/if so what?” Etc. I wondered if anyone had been through this with a friend/relative and had any suggestions?

https://share.google/BZBGI0ok0ogGh5OVe share.google/BZBGI0ok0ogGh5OVe]]

Give this charity a call for advice next week.

They can help guide you on how to navigate this.

Personally all I think you can do is make it clear you are there for him if he wants to talk to you and that you are there to support him if he choses to leave.

Thank you both. Does it sound like there is something to worry about? My DH doesn’t want to approach the subject if we are overreacting/there is nothing wrong.

There are various reasons that I believe MF (male friend) knows this is wrong, such as he is slowly telling us bits about what is happening at home but I can’t be sure.

It's tough with male victims, the abuse can and does often go undetected, and there's a fear of looking weak and pathetic.

I had a friend that ended up abusing her DH. We are no longer in contact.

It started off as being jealous of his friends and hobbies. Then it was jealousy and questions on who he was seeing and speaking to at work.

Then it was blaming him for everything that went wrong with the kids or at home. She permanently played the "mental health" card and expected him to come home from work so she could rant at him. He was expected to be her personal counsellor and was always creating drama that he had to soothe her down from. It was a real "me me me" show. He was expected to work overtime (she didn't work ) and on his one day off , she went to bed and he was expected to take the kids out all day and do the shopping and cooking. He also cooked after he came home from work every evening. She'd reject cuddles, kisses, comfort and expect him to mind read her emotions. She'd chuck things at him, swear at him, call him offensive names in front of the kids.

I honestly don't think she was even aware what she was doing was abuse. I think she was that wrapped up in her own mental health problems and self made woes and he'd become so compliant in "saving" her that it just made her more and more self absorbed and more and more entitled.

He tried to leave. They ended up back together unfortunately. I don't know how.

It's awful because all 3 children have problems and are rather strange bless them. They're not well rounded kids. I think there was a bit of Munchausens type behaviour from her to them also. I think social services were involved at one point but probably saw him as the protective factor.

I'd just open up a conversation with the chap and see how much he wishes to talk. Your DH can voice that it's not normal within a healthy relationship to be treated that way and let him now explicitly that his phone is on and the door is open if his mate needs to talk.

To add, the woman in my post also isolated her DH and forbid his parents from seeing the children. She also monitored his phone to make sure he wasn't talking to them. Her parents then moved away and she realised she needed babysitters so dangled the carrot in front on her in laws so that she could then palm the kids off on them when he was at work.

It's awful when people get away with this behaviour and I do think women tend to get away with it quite successfully because it's a) not really recognised as abuse and b) it's not seen as dangerous because it's often less violent (although not always )My heart would be ripped to shreds if my son was treated like that.

@CrispsPlease thats really helpful thank you. There are definite similarities from what I can tell. Also using the kids as a reason to force him to come home. I am worried about the impact this has had on them, because they must be aware of at least some of it but also they are being used as part of what she is doing (if we are right).

It is really hard and it feels very “stiff upper lip British” both how he is managing it (says he has a duty/responsibility to her and the kids) but also from us who are worried to raise it.

@CrispsPlease yes I have a son too and would be devastated of this happened to him. I’m a big believer that emotional abuse is often more damaging than physical because you often don’t realise it’s happening until they have taken away huge parts of who you are.

Let's not get into comparisons of abuse being more or less damaging than others. That's pretty offensive to people who have lived through it.

If you're going to help this man then you need to be very, very careful with your language.

@TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun thank you for that. You are entirely correct I should watch my words far more carefully and it was a huge generalisation. I hope the general theme was clear “emotional abuse goes undetected for longer and therefore has often already had a huge impact by the time you realise it is happening”. Rather than one is better/worse than the other

@TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun I spoke to MenKind today (for almost an hour). They were brilliant, they validated my concerns, gave me some things to think about and told me the approach to take when chatting to home, plus some suggestions to make to him about planning to leave. They have also given me the details of two other organisations who can help him.

DH and I will gently start the process of discussions and offering unconditional support. It sounds like it could be a long road but she said the fact he is talking about it is a positive sign that he realises something is wrong and that he may need to make changes.

Thank you for the recommendation.

He is the sole bread winner and she refuses to work (it was agreed when kids were young but sometime ago plans were put in place on the basis she would get a job and then she refused. All children are now teens/adults

If she hasn't worked for so long it's easier said then done to get a job...

I'm just praying you're friends with my DB and it's him your talking about, because she's isolated him from us🙏🏼
I hope you manage to get through to him and help him get out.

I'm so glad you got some helpful advice from them, I know someone who called them himself and he managed to get out with their guidance.

It's an absolute minefield talking about abuse with someone in that situation (I've been in a refuge myself) so good luck with it, I really hope your friend makes it out safely. You sound like an amazing friend, he's going to need a support system around hin so he doesn't go back.

If you are part of a friendship group, I assume you see them together a lot at social gatherings, how do they seem when together? What does she talk about?

name calling, blaming him for everything, never saying sorry, calling multiple times a day etc

is this all in front of you? What names does she call him?