When your going through a shit time but they are now the victim!?

[SunshineSally99]

Is really love some perspective here on if this is ok because my head is all over and something is not sitting right with me

im going through a shit time and have been suspended from work due to false allegations. Therefore I am stressed, upset, fretful and feeling like it’s the end of the world.

my partner has said quite a few hurtful things to me in this space of time and basically has “called me out for my poor treatment of him” during this time. He says I have snapped at him a few times which may be the case but that he is not there to have my frustrations taken out on him. This was over 3 days.

However, during our conversations he has called me comments like negative, telling me I think the world is against me, telling me I’m only making myself feel worse and my thoughts add to my own problems, telling me I’m refusing to listen to him and he’s not sure if I have the capacity right now to understand and then saying to me I’m sick of the same shit on rinse and repeat… that one really got to me.

he said that he’s had enough of my tone but when I ask when I’ve done this he can’t give me a time or an example he just says it’s there. I’ve explained I’m sorry but I don’t realise I’m doing it so I need him to tell me and his response is why should I?

he then calls me up one morning and says good luck finding someone to put up with the shit you put them through and hangs up!? He then says that he doesn’t feel like we can work through this and he doesn’t know if he wants to.

I said I need space due to needing to focus on work right now as this isn’t helping. He continues for days for try and reach out despite not apologising for any of those comments above and says to me he needs to know now if I’m leaving him as he’s not sitting there being left with an “axe over his head” and despite being the one who first threw it out there that he doesn’t know if he wants to sort out issues we have.

I pointed out that it’s not ok and I don’t agree with someone carrying on like normal when you’ve refused to acknowledge the shitty comments youve made for no reasons.

I again say I need time to get through work before I can focus on our issues. He says I’ve just sidelined him. I explained I said I needed space after the comments he shared with me. He said that he didn’t realise space meant he couldn’t check up on me or check in to see how I was doing but he wants to know as he won’t be sitting there indefinitely.

He’s pissed off because he was worrying about how this could
impact his career too (same workplace) and my response was this doeent really have to affect you, it will only affect you if you let it…. he then calls me up last night and says even now I’m dismissing my behaviour or words because I told him that the work stuff had an immediate impact on me and that he shouldn’t be worried how it affects him because reality of it is… loosing my job has immediate consequences for me and my family and not him.

he then says now he doesn’t want to see or speak to me until I’ve dealt with work and until I can recognise that my behaviour throughout all of this has been poor and all of his comments are justified because he knew underneath he mewnt well and had good intentions.

guys.. wtf

im going through the worst point in my life and I understand I may be snappy or irritable but I havnt called him names, I havnt threatened to leave, I havnt given his mixed signals and yet im
the one that needs to be held to account.

Your bf seems to make everything about him, but lacks empathy with the difficult time you are currently having. There doesn't appear to be any part of him that is supporting you,rather adding to your stress.
Does he always want to be the focus of your attention? It looks like he was trying to get a reaction to bring your focus back on him. A good partner would make allowances for how stressful your situation is and try and ease how you feel. I would get rid and find someone more supportive.
Please be kind to yourself, I hope these false allegations are sorted soon, share your anxiety with ppl who truly care about you.💕

It sounds like the relationship is working for neither of you right now and taking a break was probably the right call.

Attention seeking bastard

I’d be interested in hearing his point of view here. Have you considered what he’s been saying to you or have you just rejected it and assumed the world is out to get you?
Of course it affects him if you work together and you’ve been suspended. It affects his professional reputation.
It sounds like you’re catastrophising and he’s pointing it out to you. In your situation I can see why you would be, but snapping at him for checking in on you or expecting him to apologise when he’s shared his views isn’t helpful.
Unless this is going to be a drip feed of abuse, which usually happens if a OP hears views they don’t like, I think you should try to communicate calmly with him. Accept you’re in a difficult situation and taking it out on your partner probably isn’t helpful.

Tell him to piss off, he’s a selfish prick

His point of view is… he was trying to be helpful. So telling me I’m being negative in the middle of an arguement wasn't coming from a supportive place because you can say it in a different way

or telling me it’s the same old shit on rinse and repeat apparently that was his frustration of me going over and over the same story, but shouldn’t you be able to vent to your partner without judgement?

and I don’t snap at him for checking in. It always boil down to work when I say something about work he always defends them…

so yes it is his professional reputation but realistically who’s job would be lost? Whose bills wouldn’t be paid? Whose career is at stake?

because in my mind he will still have a job and an income.. the difference being is it’s just awkward for him at work to be around those people involved. So that’s my take?

My dad was like this, whenever my mum was going through something eg illness, bereavement, he’d make sure and do something to get all the focus back on him. Sorry you’re having to deal with this op.

Your partner sounds exceptionally unsupportive.
Most normal people would make some allowances when someone is going through a tough time, not pile more stress on.
OK, so there may need to be a limit but it sounds like he reached his as soon as he could to make it all about him instead...

Edited for typo

well aftwr discussing it with him further yesterday and think we’ve actually boiled it down to around 3-5 occasions I snipped apparently.. and then some of that is down to I guess his perception.

I said to him I’ve been off work 3 weeks and ive spent 2 of those in words with you.. I’ve not seen him now for a week which is mainly down to my choice but yeah..

it’s no longer about my tone he’s now saying that I dismissed his feelings about the impact on his career and openly admitted I did dismiss it because your asking me to try and worry about your career hypothetically but I’m the one in the position here of loosing my job. So yes, I did dismiss it and you was asking me for something on that day I wasn’t able to give you and I’m being honest because I was in the depths of it.

there is a lot more too it aswell but can’t put too much on here

He’s a selfish child. How will your job issues impact him? How is checking in with you regularly’giving you space’? This is not all about him, but he is trying to make it that way. Totally selfish.

The example he gave is it would be hard to work with people that have mistreated me. Which I get but it won’t cost it your job…

he was worried he would get blow back or they would treat him differently too.

he also said it’s hard to be in the same room as the people who have obviously suspended me.

so yeah, I’m in agreement with you but clearly people don’t agree.