A new low

[NC3276]

I realise I’m in an abusive relationship and I said it out loud to my mum yesterday.
There’s plenty of things wrong in my marriage but tons of good bits. I’m stuck in a cycle of abuse.

My husband has done some awful things in the past but somehow yesterday stings a whole lot.

Im not feeling very well (a cold) and at lunchtime my husband decided he was tired and going to have a nap. I said to him could he look after our elder two children so I could nap instead as I am up all night with our youngest (small baby and he sleeps in the guest room so is never woken) and I’m unwell and I can barely stand up.
He refused, shouted at me, swore at me and slammed the door. Let the house from 1pm-6pm.
When I was putting the kids to bed at 7ish he demanded I apologise for ruining the day. For harassing him when he was trying to rest.

He’s awful but even for him this unbelievable level of selfishness is shocking. I haven’t truly said how I feel to him because firstly he’s erratic and can be an unsafe person. Secondly I don’t even know where to begin at how much his treatment of me makes me hate him.

its like I’m living with someone who’s not human? He’s normal a lot of the time but then sometimes (when he’s tired or drunk or somethings gone wrong at work) it’s like a scene from men in black where the human body rips apart and a monster inside is revealed.

He never thinks he’s a monster. He always spins it. I’m over exaggerating. I caused the problem. I should be apologising.

He wants me to apologise for yesterday and it’s completely mind blowing that I asked for help, got shouted at and he’s owed an apology. How can he compute this sort of stuff? Is it guilt that he can’t face so it’s easier to change the narrative in his head?
I know I shouldn’t waste energy trying to work him out but I’m constantly trying to see how he can act so un-human at times, speckled through acting normal for 80% of our lives. It’s like he has two personalities. Sometimes I think he can’t even remember when he’s been in evil mode. I’m just reeling from living with Jekyll and Hyde.

Thanks for listening anyway

Well done for telling your mum. Can you make a plan to leave? Blaming you and expecting and apology is classic DARVO and aimed at making you doubt yourself.

I haven’t truly said how I feel to him because firstly he’s erratic and can be an unsafe person.

Has he been violent to you OP?
Even if he hasn't you are obviously frightened of him.

The pattern of normal, even pleasant behaviour , interspersed with periods of nasty and violent behaviour is common
In abusive relationships.

You really should end your marriage.
Getting advice on your legal rights would be a start. And also Women's Aid if you are in fear of your H.

He's not very nice OP. He needs to go.
I used to have one like this. Life is much better without the monster.

“Nigel, hell will fucking freeze over before I apologise to you for yesterday. Unlike you, I have no issue with apologising when I am in the wrong. Yesterday, I was not. I am not debating this with you any further. I want you to source and book some psychotherapy to address your incredibly selfish behaviour. If you do not do this, I will file for divorce. Up to you”
Rinse and repeat. I do not think he will book himself any sort of therapy but you cannot stay in a relationship with such a selfish arsehole.
Obviously if you are are scared for your safety, don’t do the above. Contact women’s aid and make a plan to get out.

I have no answers for you and presumably no “normal”‘person will be able to understand how he can switch from normal to inhuman. Maybe a therapist if you can possibly afford or access one.
As you point out, it’s a waste of your precious mental resources. It does matter why, what matters is the impact on you and your children. You are brave for speaking out. Please continue to find your voice, seek help and extract yourself and your children who deserve so so much better. Good luck and please keep yourself safe in any way you can manage (but staying with him and conceding to everything is unlikely to do this as DV is known to escalate!) I’m so sorry you’re with him

Well done for acknowledging this. Could your mum put you and the kids up for a while?

To work him out, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It’s such a helpful book.

Going forward. Please contact Women’s Aid and/or www.rightsofwomen.org.uk for advice.

Store yours and the kids’ passports, birth certificates, marriage certificate, and any treasured possessions and photos you have somewhere safe that he cannot access- your mum’s maybe or a friend’s house.

DO NOT LET HIM KNOW ANY OF THIS.

With help, which you can get, you and the children can leave him and live safely and happily elsewhere. As pp said, life is so much nicer without the monster.

How or why is irrelevant. You don't feel safe, your instinct is telling you it isn't safe.

Just focus on getting you and the children away.

If it is worth fixing you can do that at a later date

What you need to realise in order to take the excellent advice from previous posters is that the person who behaves so badly is the real him, and the other person is the act and the lie. He is Hyde, and can mostly maintain an illusion that he is Jekyll, but that will change with time.

Also a drink that is 20% poison and 80% juice will still kill you.

He CAN remember what he does, but it suits him not to. It's part of messing with your head.

Please listen to your own intuition as well as to MN, and get yourself and your children safely out of this as soon as possible. This is as good as it will ever be. It only ever gets worse.

@NC3276 you say he is “normal” 80% of the time . Are you sure ?
Do you think it’s not that you have learned not to question him and walk on egg shells and the 20% of the time you either question him , ask for help or like yesterday you were unwell ( it was about you ) he kicks off .

He is a bully and manipulating and gaslighting you. .
Make a plan silently with your mum to leave asap . Before he destroys you .
Ask may other on here sadly you will never figure him out and he will never change .

He sounds like my partner who has bipolar who is nice 95% of the time but the 5% he is like another person. That 5% is killing me slowly. I’m planning my escape because I can’t live like this.

You need to plan your escape. Start putting money aside and just keep your head down and try to get through this until you can leave. You have to think that your guy has a mental illness of some type and he’s not going to change. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. This is going to be normal for them.

I’m also learning not to question my partner, not to offer any input to him because he knows best and otherwise I’ll trigger him. I’m getting what I need to from this relationship financially and then I’m leaving the country. We literally have one life and there’s no point wasting it with an abusive loser.

First, it’s good you recognise it for what it is.
It’s also good that you’ve shared with your mum.
But - you’re talking about the ‘good bits’ as well, so think about this differently: Sure, we all have ups and downs in a relationship. But no amount of good things can balance out the really bad stuff!
And you’re trying to work out what’s going on in his head - which might be fruitless. If he has no guilt or self awareness, there’s not going to be a change.
So - make your plan. Whatever you decide, sooner normally works better than later. For you and the kids…

Well done for telling your mum what’s going on. Is she supportive? Is she able to help you practically?

You do not have to live like this. He won’t change - the best case scenario is he remains like this without getting worse.

Of course there will be challenges in leaving, but for the sake of yourself and your children, it’s the only thing to do.

Do you have a job? Do you have access to money?