Please give some advice

[Anom88]

I’m in a bit of a predicament. I spilt up with my kids dad around 7 months ago mainly due to cocaine use as this was not a safe or happy environment for my kids or myself. Since then he’s turned his life around, is completely off drugs and has sought help for his anger and adhd. I moved out with the kids and we are a new home and doing well. He sees them at my house often, he is gutted I left and I know he wants me back. I’ve been back in forth in my mind for months, I still love him and wish we could be a family but I don’t trust him yet and it’s not been long enough to make that decision and I would be taking a huge risk getting back together right now. We had a mortgaged home and we were engaged.. together 6 years. He wants to talk about our future tomorrow and I feel sick with worry. I went out last weekend and got very drunk - don’t get out often lol.. and I kissed another man - one of his friends… I feel incredibly guilty, I haven’t been able to eat or sleep properly since. I just don’t know what to do.. I think I was angry and also really drunk and just kissed him- I don’t even like him in that way. Should I tell him or do I keep it quiet? Obviously if he took drugs again I wouldn’t want to be with him but he’s made such progress and it feels he’s doing everything he can to get his family back. I think I wouldn’t be bothered if it was a random guy but the fact it’s his friend is awful and I don’t know how I will live myself if we ever got back together. Please be kind I’m feeling really fragile just now x

Put the kiss aside. It's not ideal, but it's not the big issue here - his cocaine use is.

Presumably you had had many, many conversations about his use before you left. None of those hit home and he's only a few months into being (possibly) sober. You can't uproot your kids again and get back with him. He'll get complacent, hide his use and then try and justify it, and you'll be back where you were but worse. He needs to prove himself for a much longer time period so currently there's no need to talk about a future - just talk about the logistics of seeing the kids, finances and the practical stuff and leave everything else out.

No don't get back together yet. Does he support the kids finically? Why does he see the kids at your house? Can't he have them alone on a weekend to give you a proper break?

Its too early to make a decision re getting back together, and frankly neither of you are ready, so telling him about getting off with his friend is not the issue here is it?

In 7 months your ex partner has come off drugs, sought help for anger issues and adhd, and wants to discuss a future? The red flags here are drugs and anger - that's the issue.

Meanwhile, you've settled your children in a new home, managed to maintain contact for them in a safe environment.

I can't see him reacting well to your getting off with his pal to be honest.

@Wherethewildthings yeah I agree with all you’ve said and it’s not been a long enough time period to see change. And yeah I’ve dealt with lies for many years and it broke me. I’m finally happy in my own home with my kids, I miss him but I need to stay strong.
@Littlemrsconfetti i don’t fully trust them to be at his house but it’s something I’ve been thinking about as I work 13 hour days and never get a break when I’m at home and really could do with some time to myself.. the house he is in needs to be sold so I don’t know where he will end up living.. I’m just consumed with guilt about this kiss even if we never get back together I feel like I need to tell him but I also don’t want to 🙈 x

I too left a man with anger and addiction issues this year....its hard I get it. But I feel like you have really blurred the boundaries by having him in your new home. You havent fully got that separation thing going on because he's still in your life spending time in your space with the dc.

Also you dont trust him with the dc at his house? Yet your considering getting back together?

Im not being harsh op but you left him for a reason. Remember that. I was in my relationship for much longer than you and it took me a long time to leave. Well done for leaving but you need to move forward not back.

Fwiw I think the kiss is irrelevant

I think its very convenient that he's about to have nowhere to live.... 🤔

@THISbitchingwitch well done for leaving too it’s hard! He has no beds etc at his as I took them when I left.. my 2 year old boy has autism and hates change so I guess I was trying to keep routine for him also my ex adhd he is forgetful and careless and leaves tools etc laying around and I was always getting on at him for that when we lived together. At least I know what’s in my house etc but you’re right I do need that separation from him… I will discuss this with him tomorrow.

@Manchestermummax3 it was our family home I need it sold as now I get UC they have said If I don’t act to get the house sold then they will stop my benefits as it’s a depravation of income or something like that.

We are in a VERY similar situation.

How often does he see / want to see DC and how long for?

At the moment xp sees our dcs maybe twice a week for no more than 4 hours. He hasn't asked for any more. No overnights. As with you he has no beds for them.

I find he sees them when he has nothing else on

@THISbitchingwitch he asks to see them a lot to be fair… I work shifts so he does watch them at my house - picks them up from nursery and gives them dinner, bedtime etc as when I’m working I don’t get home till 8/9pm… he came today for a couple hours and is watching them tomorrow so I can run some errands.. once our house is sold I think it will be easier but he’s not doing anything about selling it and can’t afford to buy me out I don’t think.

He probably doesn't think it needs selling because he thinks your getting back together

@THISbitchingwitch ive asked him to sell it more times than I can remember. I will need to go back to the lawyers to push the sale unless he can buy me out but doubt it!