Supporting son at university

[DuchessSophy]

This post touches on suicide, just to warn people. Appreciate some may need to avoid it in consequence. Please don’t read it if it may upset you!

Not 100% sure where to put it & have name changed for it as I don’t want this sadness to follow me around mumsnet. May be a bit slow to respond to any posts in consequence as I don’t want to muddle up my usernames!

Basically my close family has an unfortunate history of suicide in recent years- 2 young men and 2 women in the last 20 years. This is not something I discuss with people irl - most are not aware, even close friends- but of course family including my kids are aware. My children’s memories of those who have passed are limited though.

As a result I am really paranoid about suicide. This is particularly so in the case of young men as I tried desperately to help in both family cases but was not able to. (Not believed, not taken seriously, too young to understand how best to help.) I am aware as a result that I see ‘suicide risk’ where others see ‘a bit down right now’. I have had some therapy for this but it got too expensive to continue!

A little while ago the child of an acquaintance- about my son’s age- also very tragically took his own life. Absolutely devastating. Just horror really.

My son is now in his first year at university at the opposite side of the country. He has struggled with low mood in the past. I find it difficult to assess to what extent this is just normal - but I think it is true to say he is not the most social person and can be lonely as a result. He’s also sensitive and a bit ‘in his head’. I worry a lot about him.

I would very much like some advice on the best way to support him, from a distance, while not being overbearing or suffocating. I am conscious my paranoia is kind of screaming ‘risk!’ in my head all the time and that is not helpful!

What is the best way to maintain open conversations with him- to make him feel I am here if he needs to talk? To encourage him in small steps that may help? To ensure he knows he is not alone? Any advice appreciated as sometimes the memories of my past experiences are so overwhelming that I struggle even to speak to him without panicking- it may be that my fears are making me less communicative with him than would otherwise be the case because I am frightened of what I may find if I ask.

(Not the point of the post but it strikes me sometimes that those who take their own lives have no idea of the devastation they leave behind. This is not a criticism, just a fact. I wonder if suicide rates might actually be lowered if there was more publicity about this.)

Try looking up ZSA - Zero Suicide Alliance. They do free online education and one of their options is for families of Uni students.

I don't know you well enough to say whether your concerns for your son are genuine, or whether you're projecting your fears on him. But if you need to act on your worries, I think this might help:

I think the reason why people feel more comfortable talking to professionals about their suicidal thoughts or plans, is because they don't go into a panic when it's been mentioned.

I'm a psychologist and when I have a client with certain dark thoughts, I tend to:

• Be very direct. I don't ask: have you been having any not-so-nice thoughts? I ask: have you had any thoughts of harming yourself in the past few weeks? Do you have any plans to intentionally end your life? If you could press a button right now to disappear from existence completely and no one would remember you or be sad about it, would you press it?
• Not act shocked or emotional when people talk about their suicidal thoughts. My emotions don't matter right now. People don't want to feel the weight of guilt for having made you feel upset or afraid. That only makes them hold back next time around. I want to encourage them to be as open as they can be. I need to regulate my emotions and my responses accordingly.
• Never ever tell them that they shouldn't end their life because X, Y, Z reasons. People aren't stupid. They know that suicide isn't a good way to go. They know there are risks. They know they will leave loved ones behind. They don't need yet another person telling them not to do it, because if that was enough to change their course, they wouldn't be having this conversation to begin with. It's not that they don't know. It's that they know very well, but are so desperate that they see no alternatives to end their suffering.

What do people need? A willingness to hear what they have to say, without judgement or emotional reactions. Understanding. Not agreeing that suicide is the best way out, but understanding that their mind has lead them here because of their desperation. Understanding that life feels so incredible heavy that they no longer see any other way out. Understanding that they are not the only ones to have every felt this way and it doesn't make them abnormal or wrong. Understanding that, if you were feeling the way they are feeling, you might consider suicide as well because we are all human and we have our limits. What they need is people who won't let their heavy thoughts knock them down, and who will sit with them through the heaviness of their emotions without judgement. But also people who maintain a clear head. And after the emotions have been heard and validated, will also take this situation seriously and say: I know I can't stop you from doing this if you really want to. But I also have a duty as your parent/friend/partner/therapist to make sure you get all the help you need before resorting to anything so drastic. So here's what we're going to do:...

Well done for even trying. I do have experience of suicide but don't have much to offer apart from maybe one thought: my university experience was wonderful and I loved it, but not everyone does. My message to him would be: It's ok to quit.

Of course, he may love what he's doing, so this may not be an issue.

Have a look at Papyrus website. They do amazing work in preventing suicide in the young and have plenty of advice and support.

I have the same fear, and 2 DDs at uni who I have worried about from time to time. I’m also a Samaritans listening volunteer - my way of tackling the fear was to try and learn more and do something positive to help, it’s been a challenging but incredibly rewarding experience. What I’ve learned is that you don’t make it more likely that someone will die by suicide because you’ve spoken about it. You make it less likely. You could think about being honest and open to an extent about your fears with your son. It’s ok to acknowledge that your experiences have made you overly fearful about those you love dying by suicide. It’s ok if acknowledging it makes you emotional. It’s part of modelling to your DS that sometimes we all struggle with stuff, we all have emotional damage we carry through life and learn to live alongside. You can explain to him that because of this you are more worried about the possibility of him experiencing low mood than another parent might be, in the same way that a parent who has lost a loved one to a drugs overdose would be very alert to the risk of substance abuse, or a parent whose child tragically died of meningitis might focus on fundraising and awareness raising as a way to cope with their grief. You ideally are aiming not to put all your baggage on him, but explain why this is an area of heightened concern for you, and to help you not be hypervigilant about his emotional state, you need to make sure he understands that his wellbeing is always going to be the most important thing to you and that he should never hesitate to come to you if he is struggling in any way - that you are always just going to want to hear honestly what he is feeling rather than have him try to protect you or avoid disappointing you. You could also discuss with him other sources of support, his family, his friends, online resources, Samaritans, etc. You might also want to give him a little physical token as a reminder of your conversation - I gave my DDs a keyring that reads “The world is a better place for having you in it” and told them that if they ever felt like that wasn’t true, they could call me and I would come to them. Then - and this is the really hard but really important part - I tried to move on from the fear and not be hypervigilant about their mood, what they were doing, etc. I am not always successful in this but I try!, and I really try to contain what leaks out to them. You cannot 100% suicide proof your children, unfortunately, but the people I talk to who seem to me to be at the highest risk of dying by suicide are the ones who cannot share their reality with anyone. That isolation - whether it’s genuine isolation or they are surrounded by people but cannot share with anyone - is such a risk. And you are actively trying to make sure that your son doesn’t feel that. That’s hugely important. It’s just balancing that alongside not letting your own experience and fear cause you to overrespond. Best of luck, OP, and if you are struggling, remember Samaritans are here to listen to people who have gone through the incredibly complicated grief of losing people to suicide as well as those who are suicidal. Sometimes just having someone listen can make a world of difference.

I think about the darkest times we have faced in the last couple of years, including an intentional overdose, and what has worked best for us has been for DS and I to maintain a kind of open channel for memes and silly videos.

While as a 19yo man he doesn’t like to talk about his emotions much, that open channel where we send each other things we know the other will relate to has been invaluable. It’s a way of telegraphing the love even when words are hard, and it’s helped him to open up when he needs to.

Basically, it’s not just the big conversations that matter. Small, regular things are just as important for keeping people connected and knowing that they matter.

In terms of keeping in touch - message regularly with general chit chat from home but not constant "How are you?" messages. He is more likely to reply to those with info about his day or even just with an emoji. If you ask how he is or show you are anxious he is less likely to reply.

Just messaging with info about your day or something you've seen he might like then he will feel cared for but not checked up on.

Also send little things via Amazon or whatever that you know he would like to cheer him up & let him know you are thinking of him.

Thank you so much for these messages. They are so helpful and I am really grateful for all of them- I will re-read them all very carefully. I know social media can be toxic but it can also be really kind- thank you.

I hope maybe these pieces of advice may also help others!