Is he just going along with things for the sake of it or just getting used to dating again after 15 years.

[Jo19832025]

Hi, I'm a 42 year old woman who's been dating a 48 year old man for the past 8 weeks. For date 1, 2 and 3 he always kissed and cuddled me at the end of the date and was really affectionate. But when It came to the kissing he always made it passionate, giving me the impression he wanted more. By the 4th date I found myself asking him what he wants from dating me. I told him that I wasn't looking for a one night stand or friends with benefits and that I'm looking for a relationship. He then said he was looking for the same thing. Because we met on a dating site I asked if he was dating anybody else which he said he wasn't. With this he said he wanted to make us official and he asked me to come to his place for our next date to stay the night. So for the 5th date I did exactly that. This date wasn't just about having sex that night, we did other things as well i.e walk around his local town and get takeaway etc. I thought at this point he might of not wanted to see me again as he's had the sex so if that's all he wanted then I'll never see him after this. I was surprised as we've been on date 6 and 7 after this, with the 6th date being at a Italian restaurant and the 7th date we got takeaway and he stayed the night at my place. We have an 8th date lined up for this evening as well which involves going out for food again. In between dates we don't text every single day as I figured out early on that he doesn't seem to be that sort of person to be texting all the time, after all he's 48 not 18. Having said that, he will message now and again to see if I've had a good day, and of course I reply and sometimes I'll be the one to text him to see how his day as gone and he always replies. So far this all seems good but I've had this niggling feeling inside of me and I'm not sure if it's me being anxious and maybe a little paranoid due to negative things in past relationships or if it's my gut instinct telling me he's not really interested and he's just going along with whatever. When we meet up for dates it is only once a week as he said that he likes his down time at the beginning of the week, he likes to do other things in the week i.e go to church for his bible class, he also has two daughters (13 and 18) that he has said he likes to see as much as he can. I would love to see him more than once a week but I don't want to push it too much if he has a a busier life than myself (I don't have children).I'm trying to be patient by sticking to the once a week dates. When it comes to arranging the dates he doesn't appear to take the lead. We normally go out on dates on a Friday or Saturday evening so we normally arrange things by text message on a Thursday. He doesn't appear to have a problem in contacting me every Thursday but in the conversation he never asks for a next date. It literally is just a text to see how my day has gone. On a few occasions it looks like he's trying to end the conversation as he'll stop replying and he'll just put a thumbs up emoji. With this I'll pick the conversation back up and ask if we are going on another date and he appears to be fine as he'll go along with arranging the next date with me. With this up and coming 8th date I was the one who text first and yet again he's gone along with it. I'm not sure if he's just going along with arranging these dates for the sake of it or is he not a natural leader? The only date he did appear to take the lead a bit more on was when I was due to stay the night at his place. Was he doing that as he new we would be having sex that evening? It might be worth mentioning though that I've picked up in several conversations that when he was with his ex wife (they divorced a year ago) he said he used to go along with whatever she wanted to do in her life for 15 years that he was married to her. Because of this, is he just used to someone else taking the lead? He has said to me on several occasions" teach me to know what it's like to be in a relationship". He had also said on our first date "i don't know what I'm doing when It comes to dating ". What do you think of this? Is he just going along with things for the sake of it or is he just not a natural leader? Is he too used to the life he lead with is ex for 15 years and maybe just trying to get used to the whole dating thing again? He does appear to be a little on the introverted side as well but we always have a nice time when we are actually on dates.

From your story I do think that he just doesn't have a leader-type personality. He's a follower.
Which is not a wrong thing to be, but I wonder how happy you'll be down the road with someone like that. Because it also means he may lack enthousiasm, won't take any initiative, and probably won't be a very passionate person.
If you're struggling with his lack of initiative now, around date number 8, then it doesn't look good.

On a side note, your past dating trauma really does shine through in your post. You assumed he'd lose interest after sex? You sounded surprised that he didn't just ghost you. I know online dating can be rough, but wow. Your expectations are so low they are below ground!

I would recommend that in dating, you don't focus on the motivations and thinking of the other person, and instead focus on how YOU feel about the relationship. Is this what you want in a partner?

If not, the reasons why are irrelevant. Just like a recruiter wouldn't care why a person wasn't a fit for the available job.

Dating is so much simpler when done like this.

Op do you actually like him? so often in these situations in the past I would obsessively wonder what the other person was thinking - ignoring how I was feeling - which was usually unhappy, unfulfilled, slightly unsatisfied

I suspect you are not happy because you want a man who is actually openly interested, keen, chasing, enthusiastic!

Lets think about just that word - enthusiastic! you say - he stops talking - YOU chase, you 'pick up the conversation' - YOU suggest a date. There is nothing here to suggest he has much enthusiasm - or would think wow I can't wait to see her again, oh ill message and make sure I get some of her time.

In dating you have to have high standards! as in life. there is so much slop and crap and men who are up for it if its offered on a plate with no effort on their part

do you think this man would put the slightest effort in if you didn't 'pick up' or force conversation where it's dropped off?

I wouldn't even bother trying to find out - I'd walk away and think about what you really really want, not what is just easily available from a low effort man.

You have typed out an enourmous amount of blow by blow wondering about what is on his head at each point, and the only positive thing you really say about him is "we always have a nice time when we are actually on dates." You also seem happy to accommodate him (not wanting to bother him if he's busy, accepting he won't contact you often,) but are not really considering if he makes you happy.

He has said you should teach him to be in a relationship so I think if he’s not meeting your needs then you should have a conversation with him and see if he can meet them. 8 dates in is still quite early days and he is just not used to modern dating where there’s often an expectation of daily contact, exclusivity conversations etc.

Also why would you have sex with someone you assumed would dump you afterwards?

Exactly what @ChristmasFluff and @waterrat said. There's absolutely nothing in your extremely long post about how you feel about him, and what you want. Focus on your own wishes, and don't spend so much emotional energy trying to second-guess someone else's, in any relationship. The only behaviour you can control here is your own, as is usually the case. What do you want?

This sounds excruciating to me, especially the bit where you slept with a man you appear to have expected to dump you immediately afterwards. Did you actually want to sleep with him? Do you want a relationship that involves a single date per week and a token exchange on Thursday, as if he's set a reminder on his phone to contact you? Do you want to be dating someone so passive and routine-bound?

Personally, I'd say ditch him asap and find someone who's delighted to be around you and enthusiastic about dating you.

Edited to remove accidental strike-through.

He sounds very passive. Some men are. If you are not someone who likes to rake the lead, he may not be for you.

If you like him, tell him that if he wants to keep seeing you he needs to show more enthusiasm, to take the lead on planning dates and to avoid a rut of once a week. Maybe go put for coffee mud week and ask him to come up with a list of things he's always fancied doing and suggest you start doing them together. Just going for dinner is quite dull. You could go to concerts, plays, comedy nights, sports fixtures, for hikes in the hills, to galleries, country homes and gardens, a day by the sea etc etc.

Communication is key.

Talk to him. Tell you'd like to see him twice a week and for him to make date arrangements too.

Set the bar now.----

It’s very early days and communication is key. Neither of you are wrong, you just need to communicate better with your expectations and boundaries.

oh lord please don't go 'telling' a man he needs to make an effort

honestly - I can promise you that as soon as you stop wasting your time with such low aspirations from life and relationships things really will just be better! You will find yourself in much better situations because you believe in yourself more.

He sounds like a bit of a wet lettuce and not for me. I would expect more spark, interest, communication and initiative. There’s nothing wrong with him per se but you need to think about whether he is what YOU want. If you’re content and happy with how things are, carry on but it sounds like you aren’t.

I think he sounds alright!