Since having baby sex just feels rubbish now and I don't even fancy him much??

[Avanton]

Sorry if this is TMI but I just need to get it out somewhere. Ever since I had my baby nearly a year ago things in the bedroom have just gone completely downhill. Before I got pregnant we were all over each other and honestly couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I used to feel really confident with him and it was fun and easy. Since the baby I just don’t feel like that anymore at all.

He doesn’t really try anymore, like he’ll kiss me sometimes but it’s half hearted and if we do end up doing it it’s just quick and awkward. I can’t seem to get into it and I end up overthinking everything. I feel like I’m watching myself instead of feeling it if that makes sense. I don’t know if it’s because I’m knackered or because I’ve gone off him a bit.

He’s a good dad mostly and he does night feeds when he’s home but it feels like we’re just living like mates who share a baby. He’ll be on his PlayStation for hours at night while I’m washing bottles or sorting the baby clothes and then by the time he comes to bed I’m just done. I keep thinking maybe if we had a proper night together it would help but when we do try I just can’t get into it.

Last week I tried to make an effort, shaved my legs, put a bit of tan on, got some new pyjamas that weren’t covered in baby sick. I thought right I’ll try and feel like me again. We started kissing and then the baby monitor went off right as things were getting going and I just completely lost it, started laughing and that was it, game over. He just rolled over after and went to sleep.

I don’t know if it’s hormones or just the tiredness or if this is what happens to everyone after having a baby. I keep worrying that maybe we’ve lost it for good and I don’t even know how to fix it. I look at him sometimes and feel like I love him but don’t really fancy him anymore and that makes me sad because he’s my first proper love and we’ve been through a lot.

Is this just normal after having a baby or is it a sign we’re done? I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it and I don’t want people thinking we’re weird. I just want to feel close to him again and not like I’m living with my flatmate who happens to be my baby’s dad.

For the love of god edit your title.

The title needs a comma before ‘baby’!

This is very normal. For me and other friends I spoke to, the feelings did come back, but there’s not a guarantee.

It’s weirdly reassuring that other people have felt the same because I’ve been thinking there must be something wrong with me. I don’t really talk to my friends about this kind of thing so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one.

That’s good to hear that it can come back again, I really hope that’s the case. I don’t want to give up on us or anything, I just miss feeling close to him and like we actually fancy each other.

Also sorry about the title lol I probably worded it a bit wrong, I didn’t mean it in a horrible way about him. I’d edit it if I could but I’m on my phone and can’t figure out how to change it.

Absolutely normal!

Doesn’t stop it being shit, though :(

Not sure I could fancy someone on their PlayStation for hours every night while you are parents to a baby especially. Sounds like he’s checking out a bit?

Totally normal. It took me two years to feel like my body was my own again. It took even longer, until the kids were more independent, to want to be touched sexually. You are totally touched out, everyone wants something from you, you don’t feel desirable and you don’t have a chance to connect mentally with your partner. All of this is a huge libido dampener.

Definitely stick it out. Make an effort to connect because you can only control your own actions, and hopefully he’ll follow suit. But also give yourself some grace to just be a ‘mummy’ right now. It’s still early days and you can’t be everything to everyone all the time.

Totally normal. I think a lot of it’s hormonal. My husband honestly grossed me out for a while after my second. I would hurry to get my pyjamas on so he didn’t see me nude and get ideas! Took a couple of years to get excited about him again, though I think that’s because I breast fed for all that time. It’s hard on both of you, but it’s not your fault.

Its commonplace, how much decent sleep are you each getting?

I’ve said on here many times that the ultimate aphrodisiac for women postnatally is a decent night’s sleep knowing you won’t be disturbed and with no demands.

Do you have handy grandparents who can do an overnight babysit for a couple of nights (one to just sleep, one for opportunity)? Also is sex comfortable or are you carrying injuries/scars from stitching etc (which take a hell of a lot longer to really heal than anyone tells you)?

You also need to talk about it and both be explicit rather than each assume the other knows what you are thinking. It can also help to plan a specific night or day even if that doesn’t happen - it takes the pressure off the other days. It sounds boring but honestly with babies/toddlers in the house it can work better than expecting a return to spontaneity for a while. Sometimes also it pays to just give it a go - there is an aspect of use it or lose it to sex drives. Ultimately though if you try these and its not enjoyable its not the end of the world to give it a break for a bit. Sex therapists often advise “no sex, just intimacy” for a while - ie make the time to spend together, to hug or cuddle but knowing that that is all there will be and build up gradually as you do in a new relationship.

It's hormonal. It's to stop you immediately conceiving again while first baby is so dependent. A defunct survival mechanism.